I Don't Remember Signing Up to be J.Lo's Assistant

Last weekend was Harlow’s dance recital weekend and let me start by saying, she did FANTASTIC. But that’s not the subject of this post. This post is about stress management, setting boundaries and what is appropriate for kids in high performance activities. And to be clear, Harlow is a great dancer who has improved a lot over the years, but she is not currently on the track to be become a professional dancer. I know several kids who are, so I know the difference between professional training and an extracurricular activity. That could change, but at the moment, that’s where we are at.

Still, Harlow dances a lot (she goes three days a week for a total of five classes) which means that this year, she was in five separate dances over the course of two days, spread out through three 3 hour shows— three dances in the Saturday morning show at 9:15am, one dance in the Saturday afternoon show at 1:15pm and one dance in the Sunday morning show at 9:15am. The Saturday morning show had hip-hop, musical theater and jazz, all before intermission, which meant we had to bring three costume changes, three kinds of footwear, three different hair accessories and she had to be mentally prepped to make some pretty quick backstage transitions between dances, all without messing up her hair. Parted, slicked back, low ponytail, obviously.

I thanked my lucky stars that hip-hop was first because that was the easiest and most comfortable costume for her to change into herself and go to the theater. Harlow likes to be early and she wanted to stop and get Starbucks on the way, so even though we went through a range of emotions in the morning while we got everything together, by the time we got there, she was calm, cool and collected with about ten minutes to spare. She does not get nervous to go on stage and looked like she was having a ton of fun up there. Especially during her musical theater dance, which is her favorite. Thankfully, her teachers facilitated the changes backstage and I never had to leave my seat. They all seemed to go off without a hitch and I was impressed every time she came out in a new outfit.

I was a little sad that musical theater was her second dance, because that was my favorite costume and I never got to see her in it, except on stage. And then jazz was third which was her least favorite costume— a pink sequined pant suit with bell bottoms— and the costume she needed to wear home. When I picked Harlow up after Show #1, she was clearly uncomfortable and in high stress. Uncomfortable because the costume was tight and itchy as hell, and in high stress, because the show ended later than expected, it took me longer than expected to pick her up (they brought her to a different pick up area than where I was told to get her) and she had all of her relatives waiting outside to see her, but also knew she needed to get home to eat lunch, change into her ballet costume for the afternoon show and then run back to the theater in a very tight timeframe. Thankfully, Harlow knew exactly what she needed in that moment and told me the second I saw her.

“This costume is really uncomfortable. I don’t want anyone to hug me when I walk out of here and I don’t want anyone coming back to our apartment for lunch. And no photos.”

I can’t say this was delivered in the kindest way possible, but the message was received loud and clear. And maybe this was how Harlow needed to say it to get me to take her seriously and not try to convince her otherwise. I’m a people pleaser and her grandparents and aunt had traveled in for this, so what happened next was not easy for me to do.

I quickly texted the group before we stepped outside, where they were all waiting with flowers: “Harlow is stressed and doesn’t have a lot of time between shows, so I think it would be better for everyone to get lunch on your own and come back to our place after Show #2.”

Everyone understood, but it pained me to send that text, because it felt like telling her relatives that she wasn’t interested in seeing them. I was also worried that I was enabling some diva-like behavior, but I really wanted her to be in her best headspace for her next performance, so I did as I was told. Is this why everyone says “yes” to stars like J.Lo? Because they are all way too invested in her ability to perform, and the threat of a meltdown has real repercussions that affect more than just the star herself? Am I so invested in Harlow having a successful performance on stage that I’m willing to sacrifice what I think is proper family etiquette?

But then later, when I recounted the incident to my friends, they said, “Good for her. She knew what she needed and was setting her boundaries.” It’s true, while I might have been sacrificing what I thought was the right way to treat Grandma, Harlow was saying she wasn’t willing to sacrifice her sanity to play nice. She also knew that she wasn’t going to be able to be a “good grandkid” during that transition and didn’t want to be put in that position.

Back at the apartment, I realized just how little time Harlow had for lunch, resetting and changing into her ballet costume. We got back at around 12:15pm, the next show started at 1:15pm, but the dancers were supposed to get there a half hour early, so that meant we needed to be back at the theater at 12:45pm and it takes us 10 minutes to walk there. Harlow does not have the easiest time with transitions (this is why she wakes herself up so early in the morning, she hates rushing), so once we got home, and she was actually faced with the task before her, she had herself a little meltdown. I was happy no one else was there and she got to do it in private. I think she needed to get that stress out of her system, and then right after, she got herself together, quickly got dressed, I made a very tight bun, sprayed the shit out of it, and then she did have a good 10 minutes to sit down by herself, relax and eat lunch. She needed every moment of that down time and I guess she knew that before I did, backstage at the end of Show #1.

So, my question is — was this actually my fault because I should have foreseen the issue and had a separate plan for the grandparents ahead of time? Or is this on Harlow to manage because this is part of what it takes to perform? When it comes to stress and performance anxiety leading up to shows, recitals and important games, what is acceptable behavior? Where do you draw the line between letting your kid set boundaries and enabling?

Incentive to Join the Shorties

If you haven’t already heard on Instagram, we’re currently renovating our summer house. Since I’m a little nervous about sharing the progress so publicly (thanks to Home Polish trauma), I’m going to be sharing more on my “close friends” Instagram story than my regular feed. There is already a locked story highlight available with a tour of the current work. You’ll also get access to a few more locked highlights that include an apartment tour from when we first moved in (along with the kids reactions to seeing it for the first time), Mazzy’s performance in Bye Bye Birdie and Harlow’s recital performances from last year. Close friends is probably where I will be posting videos of Harlow’s dance recital numbers from this year too.

To be added to close friends (affectionately called the “Shorties”), you just have to become a paid subscriber, look for your welcome email and then click the link to add your Instagram handle.

Other benefits of becoming a paid subscriber also include access to all my locked substack posts, which include a two part series on getting my eyes done (with before, during and after pics), my dyslexia series, a private link to Mazzy’s Bat Mitzvah montage, a downloadable PDF of my Iceland itinerary, the cell phone contract we had the kids sign, and all the posts in the Big Kid Support Group (click the link to see all the topics covered).

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