Last weekend was Harlow’s dance recital weekend and let me start by saying, she did FANTASTIC. But that’s not the subject of this post. This post is about stress management, setting boundaries and what is appropriate for kids in high performance activities. And to be clear, Harlow is a great dancer who has improved a lot over the years, but she is not currently on the track to be become a professional dancer. I know several kids who are, so I know the difference between professional training and an extracurricular activity. That could change, but at the moment, that’s where we are at.
Wow! Although it put you in an awkward spot, I think it was incredibly mature of Harlow to recognize and ask for what she needed in that moment! We talk about giving children body autonomy and being taught how to set boundaries, and that's what she did. She knows herself, and she knows that you have her back... what a beautiful thing!
Yes you are very right! Looking back, she taught me a lot in that moment. I think it made me prioritize her needs over mine (or my mom's and my mother-in-law) which was the right thing to do. And to their credit, no one faulted her for it!
Fellow dance mom here! I don’t think it was necessarily sacrificing family etiquette - which I totally agree with as an important thing to teach our kids - but rather, if she’d had to rush out to greet them and play nice or worse, snapped at you or them because she was stressed, that would have been the family etiquette fail, and your time to get her home, changed, and fed would have been that much more rushed. Your text to them was the right call for sure. Better for the family and Harper (and you!) to celebrate her after all the performances were done for the day.
For my daughter, we take everything for the whole day with us, including a sack lunch and snacks, so there’s no need to rush home in between shows and we can better manage any costume mishaps or other issues that may arise throughout the day, including the stress level/nerves for my daughter.
Overall, though, it sounds to me like you handled it all very well, as did Harper. Good job, Mom! :)
I think you are right! Harlow's meltdown would have been worse if people were there, because she would have felt more stressed and I would have been trying harder to reign in her emotions, which she needed to let out. She knew and I'm glad I listened.
Fellow Dance Mom! When we go to recitals and competitions I take everything for the day, including food and basically camp out. I’ve realized when we rush my daughter gets stressed so this way everything is there that she needs. We wait to see family until the whole day is over.
I definitely think everything was handled appropriately! Good on Harlow for recognizing that she was at a breaking point and voicing what she needed to reset! That is a super tight turnaround and the natural performance adrenaline only adds to it. Like Beth mentioned, I think the only thing you could have done differently was brought everything with you to the first show and planned to chill closer by (if you couldn't stay AT the theater). However, you don't know what you don't know, so the pivot was the best way to handle it.
I don't think it's encouraging diva-like behavior, at all. At the end of the day, while all the relatives put forth effort to be there, Harlow is the one who has put in the time and effort for these performances. It's HER day(s), so what she needs to be able to perform to the best of her ability is most important. It sounds like everyone understood :)
See, I’m the family logistics person and probably would have realized the timing issues up front and dealt with family appropriately. As someone else mentioned, I might have come up with a plan to have performance 2 stuff with me to avoid the trip home in the first place and brought something to eat or grabbed something close by. I’M the one who would be stressed out about timing and making everything work, so I would’ve tried to solve that for myself 😂
I definitely did not build in time for the show going over or for how long pick up would take between the two shows. But I will know for next year! Although, she might still choose to go home. Even if it was 20 minutes, she needed that time to decompress.
oh my, i feel this post IN MY SOUL! My daughter does 7 dances, and is the opening number this year. aside from extra regular practices we have 4 nights of rehearsals that are all night events the 4 nights before the recital. then she is in all 4 shows - sat noon (opening number and all 7 dances) and 6 p.m. (opening number and 3 dances); sun noon and 6 p.m. same as the day before. each show takes 3-4 hours and we live out of town. So by recital weekend we are both exhausted.
Things that may be different - we take our things - costumes, makeup, hair stuff, etc. first night of rehearsal. We have a big duffel bag that has a clothes rack to put up and hang the costumes. we leave it there all week and through the weekend.
We take snacks/drinks in a cooler and leave it by her stuff. we also take stuff for meals like lunchmeat, cheese, crudite...or run to get like subway or something in between. we also take blankets and squishmallow for a pillow and can nap there or in the car inbetween shows.
There are like photo booth set ups that she will meet grandparents/aunts/etc. intermissions or after for a quick photo op, but it is usually a very quick thing. here's your flowers, great job, picture, done. There is no "hanging out", we just don't have time until after the last show on sunday. and by that time she is so tired and emotional (sad that it's over) that she just wants mom and dad and that's it.
Oh also! She usually changes into a pair of leggings/comfy shorts, sandals (easy to slip on), and recital tshirt or dance company sweatshirt for the finale when they all come back on stage at the end to bow. so she has comfy clothes to go home in or nap.
ANYWAY, all of this to say, i think what Harlow did is appropriate for her mental health in that situation.
I can totally relate to both you and Harlow in this situation. I am also a people pleaser and would have felt like I was letting my kid treat family poorly - BUT, that is a very tight time frame and seeing/entertaining family would have only added stress for both you and Harlow.
I grew up dancing and can also relate to Harlow's very real anxiety here where you are stressed about costume changes, call times, costume malfunctions, etc. It can be very stressful, and I'm sure after the day was done, she was able to smile and relax a bit (and then give Grammy the attention she deserves!). I agree with your friends that she was setting appropriate boundaries and also recognizing that she was not going to be her best self until she checked off that day's shows.
So brava to you and Harlow for a successful 3 show run! Keeping track and executing all those tasks for an entire weekend is a feat!
I don’t think it’s diva like behavior at all! I agree with others that she set a healthy boundary that was in her (and honestly everyone else’s) best interest. Since she seems to know her limits pretty well, and feels comfortable letting you know, maybe you guys can come up with a game plan ahead of time for situations like this so you get the option to set the boundaries and expectations with family ahead of time instead of in the moment (when possible, of course-sometimes you don’t know until you know). All around I think you handled it really well! And I think Harlow is going to feel really cared about and heard and understood 💙
Good for Harlow, sensing what she needed and asking for it. Good for you, respecting her instincts and allowing her to advocate for herself. We are all built differently and have different needs. We all feel overwhelmed at some point, but for some - whether they be introverted, or have sensory challenges, or other - that threshold is lower. Coaching kids (and adults!) to recognize what they need and advocate for it is the goal 🎯 . It shows maturity and emotional intelligence. So happy for her and you guys 👏🏼
I love how you (and Harlow!) handled everything pay show #1.
- What Harlow said was perfect - this is what I need, no reason to sugar coat it. It sounds like she was clear, not rude or demanding.
- Your text to the family was great - it's okay for them to know that Harlow was stressed. You gave a plan b option that allowed Harlow to see the family.
- You're not at fault for not anticipating the issue! You never know how things were backstage, and it sounds like there were unexpected delays and changes - without those, Harlow could've come out a different kid!
My daughter is now grown and on her own, but she danced when she was young, and was involved in other spectator sports as well. When she was young and still at home, I was definitely much more in the people pleasing mindset, and often had a hard time knowing when it was ok to NOT do that. Looking back, and with hindsight being 20-20, I think it’s WONDERFUL that Harlow knows already how important it is to set boundaries. And she seemed to know instinctively how to do it! Kudos to her for the boundary setting & to you for instinctively allowing her to do it even though it was hard not to people please.
I don't think it's an either/or - I think you had a plan, but circumstances changed outside of your control, and despite making a good decision with the knowledge you had at the time, you pivoted based on changes and what your child needed. I would say Harlow win and mom win. Both you and Harlow learned how to adapt plans in reaction to unexpected alterations and stressors. Her self-awareness in knowing what she needed, trust in you to communicate directly, and confidence that she would be heard is all a sign of maturity and a kickass relationship. Two out of my three have sensory issues, one with some added anxiety, and while they partake in activities, they often need decompression time. Touch during stress is an absolute no. Quiet and away from expectation of conversation is vital. They also sometimes really need space to have a controlled meltdown (especially if anything uncomfortable such as clothing is involved). They want to join in but the overload is real, and we have had to learn how to manage their environments pre-, during and post-all sorts of things so that they can feel like they did their best but also had agency over it all. The more present grandparents have learned this over time, and adjusted expectations and planning accordingly, the less present one not so much, which is a stressor in itself. Other family members who have children who respond to their environments and emotions differently can use words like "pandering" and they are entitled to think that, though I will not be taking it on board. But in my opinion it's a journey with each child, and if the child feels heard and enabled when in the midst of challenge, that can never be anything other than a good thing. In other news, that schedule sounds insane and very well done to all of you.
Harlowe teaches us a valuable lesson, again! She is wise beyond her years. Sounds like everything went exactly as it was supposed to. It was a growing moment for all involved-thank you for sharing and allowing us to learn alongside you. <3
PS: It's a shame the pink outfit is itchy because it's soo cute! Wish I could wear it ;)
I don't think it's enabling or diva-like at all. It's important for her to focus on her performances, not just for her but for the rest of the dancers (mom of adult daughter who was a competitive dancer for a decade). This just takes a little advance planning, and your next performance will go smoothly. Sit with her a few days before the performance and plan out everything, including how to manage the break. Have a lunch made. Change out of uncomfortable costume at the theatre. Plan a time with grandparents for flowers and celebration after the final show where everyone can relax and enjoy. My daughter was also like Harlow in that she hated to rush, and having a plan made all the difference. Lesson learned for everyone!
It’s no one’s fault. The schedule is insane for those in multiple classes! Would it have been nice to be able to plan with the grands ahead of time? Yes, but all your parents LOVE Harlow and always want what’s best for her.
The only thing I would say is to send her with sweats to change out of her costumes for the walk home.
You are the parent and are always thinking through what is best for your kids!
Wow! Although it put you in an awkward spot, I think it was incredibly mature of Harlow to recognize and ask for what she needed in that moment! We talk about giving children body autonomy and being taught how to set boundaries, and that's what she did. She knows herself, and she knows that you have her back... what a beautiful thing!
Yes you are very right! Looking back, she taught me a lot in that moment. I think it made me prioritize her needs over mine (or my mom's and my mother-in-law) which was the right thing to do. And to their credit, no one faulted her for it!
Fellow dance mom here! I don’t think it was necessarily sacrificing family etiquette - which I totally agree with as an important thing to teach our kids - but rather, if she’d had to rush out to greet them and play nice or worse, snapped at you or them because she was stressed, that would have been the family etiquette fail, and your time to get her home, changed, and fed would have been that much more rushed. Your text to them was the right call for sure. Better for the family and Harper (and you!) to celebrate her after all the performances were done for the day.
For my daughter, we take everything for the whole day with us, including a sack lunch and snacks, so there’s no need to rush home in between shows and we can better manage any costume mishaps or other issues that may arise throughout the day, including the stress level/nerves for my daughter.
Overall, though, it sounds to me like you handled it all very well, as did Harper. Good job, Mom! :)
I think you are right! Harlow's meltdown would have been worse if people were there, because she would have felt more stressed and I would have been trying harder to reign in her emotions, which she needed to let out. She knew and I'm glad I listened.
Fellow Dance Mom! When we go to recitals and competitions I take everything for the day, including food and basically camp out. I’ve realized when we rush my daughter gets stressed so this way everything is there that she needs. We wait to see family until the whole day is over.
I definitely think everything was handled appropriately! Good on Harlow for recognizing that she was at a breaking point and voicing what she needed to reset! That is a super tight turnaround and the natural performance adrenaline only adds to it. Like Beth mentioned, I think the only thing you could have done differently was brought everything with you to the first show and planned to chill closer by (if you couldn't stay AT the theater). However, you don't know what you don't know, so the pivot was the best way to handle it.
I don't think it's encouraging diva-like behavior, at all. At the end of the day, while all the relatives put forth effort to be there, Harlow is the one who has put in the time and effort for these performances. It's HER day(s), so what she needs to be able to perform to the best of her ability is most important. It sounds like everyone understood :)
See, I’m the family logistics person and probably would have realized the timing issues up front and dealt with family appropriately. As someone else mentioned, I might have come up with a plan to have performance 2 stuff with me to avoid the trip home in the first place and brought something to eat or grabbed something close by. I’M the one who would be stressed out about timing and making everything work, so I would’ve tried to solve that for myself 😂
I definitely did not build in time for the show going over or for how long pick up would take between the two shows. But I will know for next year! Although, she might still choose to go home. Even if it was 20 minutes, she needed that time to decompress.
oh my, i feel this post IN MY SOUL! My daughter does 7 dances, and is the opening number this year. aside from extra regular practices we have 4 nights of rehearsals that are all night events the 4 nights before the recital. then she is in all 4 shows - sat noon (opening number and all 7 dances) and 6 p.m. (opening number and 3 dances); sun noon and 6 p.m. same as the day before. each show takes 3-4 hours and we live out of town. So by recital weekend we are both exhausted.
Things that may be different - we take our things - costumes, makeup, hair stuff, etc. first night of rehearsal. We have a big duffel bag that has a clothes rack to put up and hang the costumes. we leave it there all week and through the weekend.
We take snacks/drinks in a cooler and leave it by her stuff. we also take stuff for meals like lunchmeat, cheese, crudite...or run to get like subway or something in between. we also take blankets and squishmallow for a pillow and can nap there or in the car inbetween shows.
There are like photo booth set ups that she will meet grandparents/aunts/etc. intermissions or after for a quick photo op, but it is usually a very quick thing. here's your flowers, great job, picture, done. There is no "hanging out", we just don't have time until after the last show on sunday. and by that time she is so tired and emotional (sad that it's over) that she just wants mom and dad and that's it.
Oh also! She usually changes into a pair of leggings/comfy shorts, sandals (easy to slip on), and recital tshirt or dance company sweatshirt for the finale when they all come back on stage at the end to bow. so she has comfy clothes to go home in or nap.
ANYWAY, all of this to say, i think what Harlow did is appropriate for her mental health in that situation.
I can totally relate to both you and Harlow in this situation. I am also a people pleaser and would have felt like I was letting my kid treat family poorly - BUT, that is a very tight time frame and seeing/entertaining family would have only added stress for both you and Harlow.
I grew up dancing and can also relate to Harlow's very real anxiety here where you are stressed about costume changes, call times, costume malfunctions, etc. It can be very stressful, and I'm sure after the day was done, she was able to smile and relax a bit (and then give Grammy the attention she deserves!). I agree with your friends that she was setting appropriate boundaries and also recognizing that she was not going to be her best self until she checked off that day's shows.
So brava to you and Harlow for a successful 3 show run! Keeping track and executing all those tasks for an entire weekend is a feat!
I don’t think it’s diva like behavior at all! I agree with others that she set a healthy boundary that was in her (and honestly everyone else’s) best interest. Since she seems to know her limits pretty well, and feels comfortable letting you know, maybe you guys can come up with a game plan ahead of time for situations like this so you get the option to set the boundaries and expectations with family ahead of time instead of in the moment (when possible, of course-sometimes you don’t know until you know). All around I think you handled it really well! And I think Harlow is going to feel really cared about and heard and understood 💙
Good for Harlow, sensing what she needed and asking for it. Good for you, respecting her instincts and allowing her to advocate for herself. We are all built differently and have different needs. We all feel overwhelmed at some point, but for some - whether they be introverted, or have sensory challenges, or other - that threshold is lower. Coaching kids (and adults!) to recognize what they need and advocate for it is the goal 🎯 . It shows maturity and emotional intelligence. So happy for her and you guys 👏🏼
I love how you (and Harlow!) handled everything pay show #1.
- What Harlow said was perfect - this is what I need, no reason to sugar coat it. It sounds like she was clear, not rude or demanding.
- Your text to the family was great - it's okay for them to know that Harlow was stressed. You gave a plan b option that allowed Harlow to see the family.
- You're not at fault for not anticipating the issue! You never know how things were backstage, and it sounds like there were unexpected delays and changes - without those, Harlow could've come out a different kid!
What drama! It’s a dance recital…. Please!
This comment was really unnecessary. This was obviously a big deal to Harlow and Ilana and she was asking for advice, not trolls
My daughter is now grown and on her own, but she danced when she was young, and was involved in other spectator sports as well. When she was young and still at home, I was definitely much more in the people pleasing mindset, and often had a hard time knowing when it was ok to NOT do that. Looking back, and with hindsight being 20-20, I think it’s WONDERFUL that Harlow knows already how important it is to set boundaries. And she seemed to know instinctively how to do it! Kudos to her for the boundary setting & to you for instinctively allowing her to do it even though it was hard not to people please.
I don't think it's an either/or - I think you had a plan, but circumstances changed outside of your control, and despite making a good decision with the knowledge you had at the time, you pivoted based on changes and what your child needed. I would say Harlow win and mom win. Both you and Harlow learned how to adapt plans in reaction to unexpected alterations and stressors. Her self-awareness in knowing what she needed, trust in you to communicate directly, and confidence that she would be heard is all a sign of maturity and a kickass relationship. Two out of my three have sensory issues, one with some added anxiety, and while they partake in activities, they often need decompression time. Touch during stress is an absolute no. Quiet and away from expectation of conversation is vital. They also sometimes really need space to have a controlled meltdown (especially if anything uncomfortable such as clothing is involved). They want to join in but the overload is real, and we have had to learn how to manage their environments pre-, during and post-all sorts of things so that they can feel like they did their best but also had agency over it all. The more present grandparents have learned this over time, and adjusted expectations and planning accordingly, the less present one not so much, which is a stressor in itself. Other family members who have children who respond to their environments and emotions differently can use words like "pandering" and they are entitled to think that, though I will not be taking it on board. But in my opinion it's a journey with each child, and if the child feels heard and enabled when in the midst of challenge, that can never be anything other than a good thing. In other news, that schedule sounds insane and very well done to all of you.
Harlowe teaches us a valuable lesson, again! She is wise beyond her years. Sounds like everything went exactly as it was supposed to. It was a growing moment for all involved-thank you for sharing and allowing us to learn alongside you. <3
PS: It's a shame the pink outfit is itchy because it's soo cute! Wish I could wear it ;)
I don't think it's enabling or diva-like at all. It's important for her to focus on her performances, not just for her but for the rest of the dancers (mom of adult daughter who was a competitive dancer for a decade). This just takes a little advance planning, and your next performance will go smoothly. Sit with her a few days before the performance and plan out everything, including how to manage the break. Have a lunch made. Change out of uncomfortable costume at the theatre. Plan a time with grandparents for flowers and celebration after the final show where everyone can relax and enjoy. My daughter was also like Harlow in that she hated to rush, and having a plan made all the difference. Lesson learned for everyone!
It’s no one’s fault. The schedule is insane for those in multiple classes! Would it have been nice to be able to plan with the grands ahead of time? Yes, but all your parents LOVE Harlow and always want what’s best for her.
The only thing I would say is to send her with sweats to change out of her costumes for the walk home.
You are the parent and are always thinking through what is best for your kids!