My plan was to write about something other than social media this week. But after the Facebook whistleblower on 60 Minutes, the article in The Wall Street Journal claiming Facebook hid research about how Instagram negatively affects teen girls, and the social media outage on Monday, the impact of our obsession and dependency on all of these apps has been on my mind.
Great read. Thanks for sharing your good and bad experience with social media. I am one that did not even know Instagram went down:) As a consumer, I often struggle with the "real" vs "curated" feeds I am being fed. You have always been pretty transparent about your "team" and what it takes to create your platform. Others I follow are not so transparent and I have to remind myself often that a single person is not creating this image, renovation, landscape makeover or life they are emitting. They have a team behind the camera for content, marketing, shopping, caring for children, etc. It is easy to feel like you can't keep up or are inadequate for not accomplishing as much. I think that is the real downside of social media - making everyone feel like they are not enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, not fancy enough, it is endless. But behind the photo shopping, the perfect set up, and the right angle is just a real life human. I miss that part of social media the most. Everything has been monetized and perfected, which just leaves me skeptical of its genuine impact. I have actually un-followed a lot of folks on Instagram this year for that reason. However, I am really enjoying this blog and your posts. It still feels "real", unlike so many other aspects of social media.
Like you, I am a former ad person who has a high familiarity with how persuasion/attention works (we indirectly worked together on a Puffs post many years ago :-)), and I have deleted FB and Insta off my phone and have signed out on my computer, and have told my friends who work there what I've done. I completely understand your point of view - you have built a wonderful business and a very positive space that I enjoy. I wish supporting you (and all the other organizations I follow) didn't ladder up to supporting FB/Insta. I probably wouldn't have been as drastic if I found the company's response to be at all reasonable and responsible. This latest non-response was really the last straw for me in terms of treating a true problem of the product as if it were a PR problem. You even talk about it yourself, that your posts are getting lost in the algorithm and you need to more directly ask for people to interact with you. But you're (rightly) not creating "outrage"-driven content, and so you're pushed down? For me, none of this is new, it's in much sharper focus. I haven't deleted my account - yet - because I have small businesses that I follow and a PTA I am president of that need my "follow" and support. I hate that I can't curate what I see - I just want chronological posting. But if they don't take this seriously, and truly make structural changes, not just PR glosses - I'm gone. I still need to have a paid subscription over here - it's on my to-do list! I'm glad you shared your POV. Thanks.
Great, thoughtful post. I’ve had a love-hate relationship with social media for a while now. I’ve always love Instagram because I love photos and photography and I’m a photographer who likes to share her snaps. But it’s changed so much. I still post photos and use stories and make a reel once in a while but it’s not the same. I rarely go on FB these days, usually just to check and reply to comments.
And I try to keep an eye on my kids as much as possible. But my older two are 18 and 21 so I just try to have discussions with them from time to time and check in on how they are doing with it.
I wholeheartedly agree! I’m basically on social media to look at pictures of my friends’ kids, pets, vacation, and food. Along the way I followed some bloggers and influencers (including you!!). As of late, though, my FB feed is full of news/political commentary/misinformation/doomsday and it stresses me out. I feel like my Instagram feed is dominated by ads that reinforce all my insecurities. I’m not on TikTok but will watch a video here and there. So I’m trying to step back a little. I followed a bunch of dogs on Instagram to try and break things up some. And trying to remind myself every day that I really do love my life. I have a good job, live in a cool place, have awesome kids, and a loving extended family.
My kids will definitely not have social media before they are in high school. I don’t trust myself to monitor it well enough.
I imagine the current news might feel like you’re being told you work for Big Tobacco and you didn’t know it. That must feel unsettling. I think your move here to this space has tremendous value as you consider the future. You’ve written about that.
The toxic relationship that Facebook and instagram create within our own selves is very real. Similarly, when one finally realizes they are in an abusive relationship, leaving takes time and logistical maneuvering. Sometimes you still have to have a relationship with the abuser even if it’s minimal; say in the case of two people who must learn to coparent and raise a child together. The question is, how do we do this in a way that is as healthy as possible.
I Marie Kondo’d my spirit late this summer. I took myself on retreat and I really sat down and thought about what in my life brought me joy (even while living in a pandemic) and what didn’t. I realized that Facebook and Instagram were a problem. My posts felt more like screaming into the void or expressing that day’s irritation. I was trying to get one particular person to wake up and get her kids vaccinated because this one person mattered to someone I care about deeply. This wasn’t how I wanted to spend my time.
What I did like about Facebook and instagram was being able to keep up with my friends and some of the businesses I support. Logging off completely cold turkey wasn’t going to work for me because that would just make me feel isolated and I’d miss out on a lot.
You also inspired me to start my own substack. I’ve written newsletters since I was 11 years old. In my own fish pond I am known for my writing. I’m a natural storyteller and I get a lot of personal enjoyment out of the written and spoken word. People had been asking me for years to write a book or essays about anything really. During my retreat I decided I’d go on a Facebook and instagram pause and see how that felt.
My rules for my Facebook and instagram pause was that I could like and comment on anything my friends posted but not on posts from newspapers I follow or businesses I don’t have a relationship with. I also wouldn’t be posting or reposting anything myself. Those first few days my husband got at least 12 texts a day as I forwarded him every meme and article I would have usually wanted to repost or comment on.
Only a few days in and I realized my brain was starting to think in longer stretches. I hadn’t realized that I was consistently short with my thoughts because I would feel I would need to have them fit in the space of a Facebook or Instagram post. I was no longer feeling like I had a lot of thoughts about I don’t remember what. I had space, brain space. I was able to think about what I wanted to say and why that mattered to me.
I’ve never made my way to Tiktok because I’m 45 and have a 6 year old and Facebook and Instagram are about all I can handle. Tiktok felt too fast for me. I now don’t post much on Facebook or Instagram but I do still scroll. Even that feels like I need to reevaluate.
I have noticed you saying more often that the girls want you to put the phone down. Mazzy making you pay for the photo or trading you a photo for some time without the phone, I’ve noticed that. I saw when Harlow rolled her eyes at you, “taking another video” that Mikes weekend. It’s not as easy as just going cold turkey because some of those very memories are able to be made because you have the job you have.
I don’t know what the ultimate answer is but I do believe self reflection is key. I think giving ourselves time, space, and also grace when we evaluate how we spend our time is really important. I know Facebook saved me when I was in my breast feeding years. I know it has kept me connected to my friends during the pandemic. I also know that a while man who is so far out of touch like Zuckerberg is, who doesn’t share my values, he has no business having so much power and influence in my life or how I feel about myself. The destruction of my spirit should not be what pays for his mansion. I deserve better.
I have learned that I need to closely monitor the time I spend on socials and the way it makes me feel. I still have plenty of content that, like yours, is consistently enjoyable and thought provoking. And, when I start feeling anxious it is time to do something different.
I have started creating more content. And, I’m really thankful for the creative outlet. I’m also thankful for the small community I’ve created.
My girls are 12 and 10. They will not be getting on social networks anytime soon. Though I’m not sure when I will allow it. As of yet they haven’t asked.
I think it's an interesting area to navigate. Social media wasn't a thing for me until I was 13 with my own Myspace and Live Journal, not because my parents didn't let me have it until then but because it didn't exist prior! It's interesting to think about how my daughter will interact with technology and social media in a different way then me. I think millennials raising kids are in an interesting position because we know the comparisons, the HS drama (top 8s in Myspace were a weird thing to navigate), and the benefits of being able to stay in touch with friends across the globe so easily. For now, I choose to keep my daughter off social media since we have some unique privacy concerns. When she gets older, it'll be a whole new conversation and interesting to see how we'll navigate.
Thanks for your insight, I always find it helpful to see how others navigate to hear roads and you've certainly done a great job raising confident girls!
Thanks so much for this post. My daughters are still young, but I love hearing the experience from parents of older kids so I can think about how I would want to handle these situations in the future. My opinion is that social media and all it entails is here to stay, and the best thing we can do is teach our kids to manage it successfully and have open conversations about it. Technology definitely has its dark side, but it is also a very powerful tool when used appropriately.
The good vs bad of social media is very real. From a perspective of a person who grew together with the social media. When Facebook started I was entering my teens years, and well, I have been using since, I noticed that for a long time, I always felt that I didn't have enough money, because the algorithm kept showing me things that I couldn't buy that were pretty expensive clothes, technology and etc. and also, beautiful skinny girls (who is not me! I am a brazillian girl through and through) so I always failing. But I didn't notice until recently that it was seeing these kind of things daily that helped created this feeling.
Now, as an adult, I have difficult to turn it off. I am continuously scrolling down and getting anxiety as I am scrolling, and I took a few weeks to figure it out that it was the social media doing that. If I went just to check my whatsapp, I stayed in the cellphone for 10 minutes on Instagram. And I was always continuously picking my cellphone to see if I had notifications.
So I started creating time limits to help me get out of the DAMN phone, and one thing that really helped is the apple watch. If it vibrates, I know I have a notification from my e-mail, instagram or Whatsapp, so I only pick my cellphone when I really need to, and since I am not someone who gets many notifications, it doesn't disrupt my day.
I don't have kids yet, but I don't how I will navigate this world and I have difficult to handle it.
Good post, I loved reading from your point of view of a person who works with it
Fellow Gen-Xer here, actually never had a FB, IG, Snapchat, TikTok or any other account. But I have teenage daughters, so this is very relevant and I really appreciate you taking the time to write this all out. I've seen younger (adult) family members of mine spend a lot of time on social media, to the detriment of their mental health in my opinion, in addition to it being such a time suck. And so much so that recently it seems to be affecting my relationships with them in real life. I've been joking about wanting "The Facebook" to die for what seems like over two decades now. At least with IG it seemed more genuine, and I could always see public accounts without too much hassle (thank goodness, since I definitely would have missed out on you Ilana, one of the good things to come out of social media). But yes, it seems to be changing and I'm so glad you found this new outlet for those of us who are feeling that it's just all too much. I miss the old days of just reading blogs. And having lunch with a friend without constant interruptions from an Apple Watch.
I've been backing off of posting my daughter's pics on social media lately (and those accounts are already private accounts), just because eventually she will need to forge her own identity and it probably won't help to have a ton of pics of her on the internet that she didn't choose. So my pics are getting to be more about my hobbies again, after about 6 years of pics of my kid. But I see the content creator side of it too, and it seems like it can be done with boundaries and consent if it's central to your job and how you make a living. Everything has pros and cons. Oh, and I will do the same thing you did as far as unmasking the reality behind that perfect IG pic or video, and teaching her what that post is really aiming to do.
Great read. Thanks for sharing your good and bad experience with social media. I am one that did not even know Instagram went down:) As a consumer, I often struggle with the "real" vs "curated" feeds I am being fed. You have always been pretty transparent about your "team" and what it takes to create your platform. Others I follow are not so transparent and I have to remind myself often that a single person is not creating this image, renovation, landscape makeover or life they are emitting. They have a team behind the camera for content, marketing, shopping, caring for children, etc. It is easy to feel like you can't keep up or are inadequate for not accomplishing as much. I think that is the real downside of social media - making everyone feel like they are not enough. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, not fancy enough, it is endless. But behind the photo shopping, the perfect set up, and the right angle is just a real life human. I miss that part of social media the most. Everything has been monetized and perfected, which just leaves me skeptical of its genuine impact. I have actually un-followed a lot of folks on Instagram this year for that reason. However, I am really enjoying this blog and your posts. It still feels "real", unlike so many other aspects of social media.
Like you, I am a former ad person who has a high familiarity with how persuasion/attention works (we indirectly worked together on a Puffs post many years ago :-)), and I have deleted FB and Insta off my phone and have signed out on my computer, and have told my friends who work there what I've done. I completely understand your point of view - you have built a wonderful business and a very positive space that I enjoy. I wish supporting you (and all the other organizations I follow) didn't ladder up to supporting FB/Insta. I probably wouldn't have been as drastic if I found the company's response to be at all reasonable and responsible. This latest non-response was really the last straw for me in terms of treating a true problem of the product as if it were a PR problem. You even talk about it yourself, that your posts are getting lost in the algorithm and you need to more directly ask for people to interact with you. But you're (rightly) not creating "outrage"-driven content, and so you're pushed down? For me, none of this is new, it's in much sharper focus. I haven't deleted my account - yet - because I have small businesses that I follow and a PTA I am president of that need my "follow" and support. I hate that I can't curate what I see - I just want chronological posting. But if they don't take this seriously, and truly make structural changes, not just PR glosses - I'm gone. I still need to have a paid subscription over here - it's on my to-do list! I'm glad you shared your POV. Thanks.
Great, thoughtful post. I’ve had a love-hate relationship with social media for a while now. I’ve always love Instagram because I love photos and photography and I’m a photographer who likes to share her snaps. But it’s changed so much. I still post photos and use stories and make a reel once in a while but it’s not the same. I rarely go on FB these days, usually just to check and reply to comments.
And I try to keep an eye on my kids as much as possible. But my older two are 18 and 21 so I just try to have discussions with them from time to time and check in on how they are doing with it.
I wholeheartedly agree! I’m basically on social media to look at pictures of my friends’ kids, pets, vacation, and food. Along the way I followed some bloggers and influencers (including you!!). As of late, though, my FB feed is full of news/political commentary/misinformation/doomsday and it stresses me out. I feel like my Instagram feed is dominated by ads that reinforce all my insecurities. I’m not on TikTok but will watch a video here and there. So I’m trying to step back a little. I followed a bunch of dogs on Instagram to try and break things up some. And trying to remind myself every day that I really do love my life. I have a good job, live in a cool place, have awesome kids, and a loving extended family.
My kids will definitely not have social media before they are in high school. I don’t trust myself to monitor it well enough.
I imagine the current news might feel like you’re being told you work for Big Tobacco and you didn’t know it. That must feel unsettling. I think your move here to this space has tremendous value as you consider the future. You’ve written about that.
The toxic relationship that Facebook and instagram create within our own selves is very real. Similarly, when one finally realizes they are in an abusive relationship, leaving takes time and logistical maneuvering. Sometimes you still have to have a relationship with the abuser even if it’s minimal; say in the case of two people who must learn to coparent and raise a child together. The question is, how do we do this in a way that is as healthy as possible.
I Marie Kondo’d my spirit late this summer. I took myself on retreat and I really sat down and thought about what in my life brought me joy (even while living in a pandemic) and what didn’t. I realized that Facebook and Instagram were a problem. My posts felt more like screaming into the void or expressing that day’s irritation. I was trying to get one particular person to wake up and get her kids vaccinated because this one person mattered to someone I care about deeply. This wasn’t how I wanted to spend my time.
What I did like about Facebook and instagram was being able to keep up with my friends and some of the businesses I support. Logging off completely cold turkey wasn’t going to work for me because that would just make me feel isolated and I’d miss out on a lot.
You also inspired me to start my own substack. I’ve written newsletters since I was 11 years old. In my own fish pond I am known for my writing. I’m a natural storyteller and I get a lot of personal enjoyment out of the written and spoken word. People had been asking me for years to write a book or essays about anything really. During my retreat I decided I’d go on a Facebook and instagram pause and see how that felt.
My rules for my Facebook and instagram pause was that I could like and comment on anything my friends posted but not on posts from newspapers I follow or businesses I don’t have a relationship with. I also wouldn’t be posting or reposting anything myself. Those first few days my husband got at least 12 texts a day as I forwarded him every meme and article I would have usually wanted to repost or comment on.
Only a few days in and I realized my brain was starting to think in longer stretches. I hadn’t realized that I was consistently short with my thoughts because I would feel I would need to have them fit in the space of a Facebook or Instagram post. I was no longer feeling like I had a lot of thoughts about I don’t remember what. I had space, brain space. I was able to think about what I wanted to say and why that mattered to me.
I’ve never made my way to Tiktok because I’m 45 and have a 6 year old and Facebook and Instagram are about all I can handle. Tiktok felt too fast for me. I now don’t post much on Facebook or Instagram but I do still scroll. Even that feels like I need to reevaluate.
I have noticed you saying more often that the girls want you to put the phone down. Mazzy making you pay for the photo or trading you a photo for some time without the phone, I’ve noticed that. I saw when Harlow rolled her eyes at you, “taking another video” that Mikes weekend. It’s not as easy as just going cold turkey because some of those very memories are able to be made because you have the job you have.
I don’t know what the ultimate answer is but I do believe self reflection is key. I think giving ourselves time, space, and also grace when we evaluate how we spend our time is really important. I know Facebook saved me when I was in my breast feeding years. I know it has kept me connected to my friends during the pandemic. I also know that a while man who is so far out of touch like Zuckerberg is, who doesn’t share my values, he has no business having so much power and influence in my life or how I feel about myself. The destruction of my spirit should not be what pays for his mansion. I deserve better.
Instead of watching other people doing fun or adventurous things, go out and do them if you can. Then there’s no envy and less time on social media.
I have learned that I need to closely monitor the time I spend on socials and the way it makes me feel. I still have plenty of content that, like yours, is consistently enjoyable and thought provoking. And, when I start feeling anxious it is time to do something different.
I have started creating more content. And, I’m really thankful for the creative outlet. I’m also thankful for the small community I’ve created.
My girls are 12 and 10. They will not be getting on social networks anytime soon. Though I’m not sure when I will allow it. As of yet they haven’t asked.
I think it's an interesting area to navigate. Social media wasn't a thing for me until I was 13 with my own Myspace and Live Journal, not because my parents didn't let me have it until then but because it didn't exist prior! It's interesting to think about how my daughter will interact with technology and social media in a different way then me. I think millennials raising kids are in an interesting position because we know the comparisons, the HS drama (top 8s in Myspace were a weird thing to navigate), and the benefits of being able to stay in touch with friends across the globe so easily. For now, I choose to keep my daughter off social media since we have some unique privacy concerns. When she gets older, it'll be a whole new conversation and interesting to see how we'll navigate.
Thanks for your insight, I always find it helpful to see how others navigate to hear roads and you've certainly done a great job raising confident girls!
Thanks so much for this post. My daughters are still young, but I love hearing the experience from parents of older kids so I can think about how I would want to handle these situations in the future. My opinion is that social media and all it entails is here to stay, and the best thing we can do is teach our kids to manage it successfully and have open conversations about it. Technology definitely has its dark side, but it is also a very powerful tool when used appropriately.
The good vs bad of social media is very real. From a perspective of a person who grew together with the social media. When Facebook started I was entering my teens years, and well, I have been using since, I noticed that for a long time, I always felt that I didn't have enough money, because the algorithm kept showing me things that I couldn't buy that were pretty expensive clothes, technology and etc. and also, beautiful skinny girls (who is not me! I am a brazillian girl through and through) so I always failing. But I didn't notice until recently that it was seeing these kind of things daily that helped created this feeling.
Now, as an adult, I have difficult to turn it off. I am continuously scrolling down and getting anxiety as I am scrolling, and I took a few weeks to figure it out that it was the social media doing that. If I went just to check my whatsapp, I stayed in the cellphone for 10 minutes on Instagram. And I was always continuously picking my cellphone to see if I had notifications.
So I started creating time limits to help me get out of the DAMN phone, and one thing that really helped is the apple watch. If it vibrates, I know I have a notification from my e-mail, instagram or Whatsapp, so I only pick my cellphone when I really need to, and since I am not someone who gets many notifications, it doesn't disrupt my day.
I don't have kids yet, but I don't how I will navigate this world and I have difficult to handle it.
Good post, I loved reading from your point of view of a person who works with it
Fellow Gen-Xer here, actually never had a FB, IG, Snapchat, TikTok or any other account. But I have teenage daughters, so this is very relevant and I really appreciate you taking the time to write this all out. I've seen younger (adult) family members of mine spend a lot of time on social media, to the detriment of their mental health in my opinion, in addition to it being such a time suck. And so much so that recently it seems to be affecting my relationships with them in real life. I've been joking about wanting "The Facebook" to die for what seems like over two decades now. At least with IG it seemed more genuine, and I could always see public accounts without too much hassle (thank goodness, since I definitely would have missed out on you Ilana, one of the good things to come out of social media). But yes, it seems to be changing and I'm so glad you found this new outlet for those of us who are feeling that it's just all too much. I miss the old days of just reading blogs. And having lunch with a friend without constant interruptions from an Apple Watch.
I've been backing off of posting my daughter's pics on social media lately (and those accounts are already private accounts), just because eventually she will need to forge her own identity and it probably won't help to have a ton of pics of her on the internet that she didn't choose. So my pics are getting to be more about my hobbies again, after about 6 years of pics of my kid. But I see the content creator side of it too, and it seems like it can be done with boundaries and consent if it's central to your job and how you make a living. Everything has pros and cons. Oh, and I will do the same thing you did as far as unmasking the reality behind that perfect IG pic or video, and teaching her what that post is really aiming to do.