Bedtime was always one of the biggest topics on my blog when the kids were little. Sleeping training, how to establish a bedtime routine, transitioning your toddler from a crib to a big kid bed and how to get them to stay there voluntarily… There was no shortage of articles and advice on how much was the right amount of sleep, what time kids should be in bed and what to do if they couldn’t fall asleep on their own. I had it handled pretty well for awhile. We’d put them to sleep and have a full night ahead of us, for just Mike and me. Evenings after bedtime were the perfect time to binge watch grown-up TV and movies. We could even call a sitter, go out and the kids would not even know that happened!
But man, have times changed. Now, with a 9yo and a 12yo, they have almost the same bedtime we do. Harlow gets ready for bed at 8:30pm and usually falls asleep by 9pm. Mazzy stays up until god knows when. My goal is usually to make sure she’s asleep by 11pm. But sometimes, I fall asleep around 10pm and I’m not sure what happens after that.
I know this sounds crazy, but Mazzy’s got after school activities and then dinner and then homework and I don’t blame her for wanting a little free time to relax. Sometimes, she wants to come in our room for a little cuddle and some TV too. It feels important for her to have that time! But bedtime has gotten so late and I feel like I’m really neglecting my motherhood duties on the nights that I don’t see that she is fast asleep before I get myself in bed.
I think being in a larger apartment and Mazzy having her own room has worsened this situation, because back when she shared a room with Harlow, I had to manage both of their bedtimes together. And the apartment was so small, I knew exactly what was going on. If the light was on, when Mazzy was finished with her homework, etc. Now, Mazzy really is managing her own time. And not always well!
So. My question is… is this normal? How old are your kids and what does their bedtime look like? What time are they finally asleep? Are you hypervigilant about it? Or are they more on their own at this point? How do you make sure your kids are doing what they have to do to get their work done and get ready for bed when they have their own room?
There is such a HUGE difference between teens and elementary school kids. For one thing, their inherent natures (I have one kid that clearly should be a farmer, and another who should be a club DJ) really manifest. With 14 and 17 (who is driving, with an 11-12 curfew for another thing that isn't present when younger), I have programmed my mesh wifi system (Eeros) to shut off the wifi to each of their devices (you can assign each thing to a different user) at different times - 10 for the 14yo, 10:30 for 17yo during the week, 11 and 11:30 on the weekends. That has been the best thing I have done - yes, they still have data on their phones to text or talk, but 90%+ of the time, they read and then go to sleep once those options (Xbox, netflix, etc.) are removed. Since so many of the comments center around access to tech, this may be a helpful solution. (I really like the Eeros - set it up myself - but Google has a good product as well for mesh wifi.)
My daughter is only 22 months so I can’t really speak from a parenting experience but when I was Mazzy’s age I remember going to bed around 11ish and it was usually bc my Dad would let me stay up to watch old TV shows with him on Nick at Nite. It’s some of the fondest memories I have from growing up and I don’t think my school work or anything suffered bc of it! So if Mazzy is still doing well in school and it doesn’t seem to be affecting her physically I think it’s totally OK for her to stay up!
My son is 13 and requires a lot of sleep. 10-11 hours is ideal, but 8-9 seems to be what we can do during the school year. School nights, we push for lights out no later than 10, although 9:30 is preferable. He wakes up between 6:30 and 7am. On the weekend, I seem to have no control, lol. He goes to bed way after I do. But, if we have something planned that I need him up for or need him to be a decent human, I'll push for an earlier bedtime. Summer break is almost here and I know he will want to stay up super late and sleep half the day. But, he has a babysitting job this summer, so he will have to learn to manage getting to bed at a decent time. We'll see how it goes.
I have an 11 and 9 year and they share a room and I make sure they’re in bed every night by 9 but then I wash my hands of them haha. I know they’re awake past 11 most nights. But they’re reading and bonding and they’re able to get up and function at school every day. When I see they’re over tired from perhaps too many late nights, I will have a lights off by 9 or 10 for a night to help them catch up. And I let them sleep in on weekends. As a night owl myself, I empathize too much with being forced to lay awake in bed, lights off, when you’re not tired. Can’t do that to them.
We have 9.5 and 11.5 yr old boys with a shared room. Since infancy, the youngest is an early-riser/poor sleeper and wakes up 5-6 no matter when he goes to bed. The older will put himself to bed when he’s tired and can sleep in if he needs the sleep. With both in elementary and no homework, we enforce a 9pm bedtime. I see a huge difference in their behavior when they haven’t gotten enough sleep. For my older son, the difference between 9pm and 10pm is huge. It’s like he’s a different kid! Less emotional, less backtalking, less likely to pick on his little brother, general willingness to behave like a human. He starts middle school next year. I have heard that they don’t send homework home, but I know there will be lots of activities. Thankfully when he’s tired he doesn’t fight bedtime. One theme I’m seeing in the comments is electronics. We have a no electronics in the bedroom rule and I’m hoping to enforce that going into these early teen years for as long as possible. The only equivalency I can think of to my own adolescence is dragging the phone on a really long cord into my bedroom and closing the door. Mom would just pick up the phone somewhere else in the house and tell us get off. How times have changed! Now it’s the automated wifi shut down instead. In general though, electronics health is an important issue that contributes so directly to sleep health. I think it’s important to make that connection and to establish tools and strategies that support them.
Very normal. When my kids were smaller I had a strict 8pm bedtime. They could stay up and read until 9, but they were in bed. And I miss that. It allowed my husband and I to have more time together. I miss that.
But I think it’s important to take your cues from the kids. Are they too tired in the morning? If not it’s ok. If they are they need to buy in to lights out and electronics off earlier
This is an interesting topic especially at a time when personal devices interfere with the bedtimes of not only children but also that of adults.
What do you feel about the importance of pre-bedtime rituals in ensuring a proper and consistent bedtime? Such rituals could be like a family talk, going over a checklist for the next school day , reading a bedtime story, or watching some TV, etc.
My youngest just graduated from high school a couple weeks ago. I am so looking forward to him being in college and having a better school schedule. You are not bad at this. Starting in middle school the homework load is insane. So many school activities. The 4 years of high school are even more intense. Both of my kids had sports, music, theatre etc that would take up any time before and after school. Add in jobs, friends, wow. To fit in music or theatre electives my students took “0” hour classes which were held before the regular 1st class of the day. Their high school started at 7:25am, which is way too early for teenagers who need to sleep, imo. That 0 hour class meant they started school at 6:25am!! They had to get up at 5:10am!! He did percussion in marching band and drumline, that was a 0 hour class at 6:25am with 3 hour rehearsals twice a week from 6-9pm. Finding time for homework, eating dinner and getting enough sleep - it was rough. And this is a child who was miserable with not enough sleep. He left percussion and focused on theatre, but high school is a hard 4 years. My oldest just finished his sophomore year of college and his schedule is so much better. Everyone jokes about college kids don’t sleep, I think that my college student choses his class times, has chunks of time to study and do work during the day, still has free time to socialize, relax and can go to bed “late” because he doesn’t have to get up at 5:10am for school day start time. I don’t have an answer because we definitely struggled with it. Timers help to keep on track. The pomodoro method is helpful (concentrated work for 20 min, 10 min break, back to work). I just saw you commented you were doing this wrong, and you are not - it is hard! And foreshadowing, high school gets harder!! Good Luck to Mazzy and you!
Everyone is different and has to pick their battles. I have three teenage sons, and sleep is a battle I'm willing to have---knowing how tempting it can be to stay up late and how much their brains need sleep, especially as they start driving. They've known this is a priority to us from the beginning so it really hasn't been much of a battle.
My 14 yr old has a 9:30 bedtime and our 16 yr old has a 10:30 bedtime on school nights. They both go an hour later in the summer, and Friday and Saturday are mostly up to them. When discussing these, my 16 yr old shared that what mattered to him most was having at least an hour without his little brother also up, which I totally understand.
More important, imo, is having device free bedrooms. Computers are in our dining room and all phones get plugged in at bedtime in the kitchen. Kids are used to working with headphones if needed. I think losing a few hrs sleep every so often is less of a big deal than getting into the habit of scrolling at bedtime.
We make exceptions often, based on how reliable they've been about unplugging, etc.
My oldest is 19 and we ask him to think about what time he has to be up the next day and plan on at least 8 hrs, but then it is up to him.
Ohhhh this is such a good question and conversation! I love how different everyone’s answers are; it really does seem to depend on the kid and what they need, too.
I have an 11, and 12 year old. They NEED sleep in order to be decent human beings. Lol during school they go to be around 8:30 and fall asleep when they fall asleep. Summer varies, but if we have something early they go to bed early. I can’t imagine what would happen to them if they went to bed after 10 and had to wake at 6 for school. Hopefully one day they’ll get it figured out!
I do enjoy my time with my husband after they go to bed so maybe not too soon. 😁
I can’t really weigh in on specific times because we homeschool and don’t have to be up at 6am most days, and also because my child is 5. But I will say that we started a conversation when she was 3 or 4 about how much sleep your brain needs in a 24 hour period and about keeping our minds and bodies safe and also that if we start getting less sleep than needed that our bodies have a harder time learning to fall asleep and it’s a very vicious cycle. We’re not perfect about it but I do feel like in a world where everything is chaos one of the things I need to protect the most is good sleep. It’s follows you to adulthood!
Well, first every kid is different. My child since birth has had a much later internal bedtime. I noticed it early and it hasn’t changed. Doesn’t matter when she goes to sleep, waking before 8 or 9 is hard for her. No amount of routine has been able to shake this or make her fall asleep sooner.
Looking back, I have also been that way since birth which no amount of routine as been able to change. There is a sleep disorder that causes this, may be just what it is. Treatment is working around your clock. Lol
So we’ve had to adjust. She’s now 10.5 years old.
With 6am wake up calls for school… means it’s not great any morning. We usually try to be in bed by 9 and she’ll be asleep by 10 or 10:30. Making her go to bed earlier makes it worse, she has too much energy, mentally and physically, that stays pent up if she forced to have “quiet time” before 9.
During the summer she is up much much later, but when I think of what is an appropriate time to wake in the morning, 8 or 9 is fine. which means, if she falls asleep by midnight, she is getting 8-9 hours of sleep. So I worry a little less about policing bedtime.
What I try to do, is limit screen time after a certain point. After that it’s up to her. As long as she’s getting enough sleep I don’t worry too much.
I also have a child who has slept less than he average for every stage past newborn. She stopped naps before 1yo.
She makes up for this by essentially having an on/off switch. I legit thought she was dead at times as a newborn. As time has gone on, I’ve realized she’ll sleep through anything. Fire alarms, storms that shake and rattle the house, roofers removing and replacing a roof. When she’s asleep, she is dead to the world, and trying to wake her before a certain time is really almost impossible.
All I can suggest is have Mazzy make her own bedtime routine and stick to it. It’s a good life habit, one with immense health benefits. She gets to make the decision herself, within reason, and you just… monitor. Check in and step in if you need to. (And looking back at myself as a teen, you made need to every once and while, lol). Yay for good habits and independence!
My older two are 14 and 16 and manage their own bedtime. Most the time I’m asleep before they are. This works out perfect for them and we have no issues. My youngest is 12 1/2 and I have his iphone set up to lock him out at 1015. He then knows it’s time to go to bed. We do this because he still wakes up early in the morning at around 7 and we want him to get enough rest.
I have a 10 year old and throughout the school year (3rd and 4th grade) she was in bed no later than 8 and lights out soon thereafter. Now that summertime is upon us we will loosen that depending upon what we have gong on, but will try for the most part not to vary too much because we are all early risers. I know as she gets older it will be more difficult to manage, but for now this has been our basic schedule the last two years. Also, during the school year I intentionally try not schedule after school activities that end later than 7 so that we don't have harried evenings.
Ilana, I was going to suggest this as a topic for you! I’m totally having the same struggle. Bigger apartment now, 12yo in her own space, and going to bed embarrassingly late (I shouldn’t admit this but school is over and I think she was watching movies on her iPad until wee hours last night). It doesn’t help that she and I are biological night owls. I feel terrible about it and beat myself up about needing to do better, to teach her better habits. It’s really hard!
This is such a good conversation. My son will be 10 next month and if he doesn't get 9 it's ok for a few days but then EVERYTHING IS HARD. We still try for start getting ready for bed at 8 and then read. What I'm not seeing in the conversation is that we still sit with him. He insists. I know he will grow out of it but he gets ready for bed and then my husband or I will sit in a chair by his bed and we will read while he does. We call lights out, do hugs and then play a sleep story from Calm. It's a routine that works for us so we'll do it until he grows out of it. But mornings are pretty easy. He is up at 6:30 regardless of when he went to bed. He gets his Zbars, watches videos and just starts his day on his own terms. Will be interesting to see how this grows and changes as he grows.
I have an 11.5 year old starting 6th grade in the fall so I think we will probably change things up then, but he and my almost 9 year old who will be in 4th have had an in bed by 8:30 asleep by 9 routine this past year. They share a room and it was previously 8, but we started to have some sports where we weren't getting home until 8 or later, so I let them stay up a little this year and it was okay. We get up at 6:30 and my younger has always been a crappy sleeper (he has ADHD, anxiety, and is twice exceptional so has SO much trouble turning his brain off) and I tried to maximize their sleep where I could.
I think this upcoming year, we will split it out a little - my younger will follow the same routine he did this year, but I'll allow my older to stay up until 9-9:30, as long as he's still able to get up for school without drama. It's tough. We are on a pretty heavy screens diet anyway (see above 2E kid) so no electronics in their room other than the Bluetooth speaker for music. It's hard to figure out and really each kid is unique in their sleep needs.
My oldest is almost 12, and he’s in bed at around 8:30, but he’s allowed to read or write or whatever quiet activity until he’s ready to sleep (usually around 9:30/10am, but he’s an early riser).
My daughter is almost 10, and she’s the same. She is in bed by 8, and can read until she’s ready to sleep (usually by 9).
My kids are homeschooled, so no homework.
I think that makes a big difference. I also used to put in my kids’ IEPs that they wouldn’t be doing any homework in elementary school. I’ve read countless studies against homework, and both my big kids are autistic (my youngest is as we) and after a day of masking and working hard to pay attention and sit still and whatnot in school, doing homework was just a recipe for meltdowns so we just stopped.
I think you just have to do whatever works best for your kids, and knowing that it’s okay to change things up as needed is important.
My older kiddos are 11,11,13&14. We send them to their rooms at 9:30/10 on weekends and 9 on school nights. However after that we let them Decide when to actually go to sleep. 3 of the 4 are night owls so I think some nights it’s as late as 1am!
Our last 2 are 12 and 7. After years of back and forth with the older two, here is where we landed. You have to be in your room at (8:30 for the 7 and 9:30 for the 12) your time and I will turn the lights off at 10:00. I have one who reads/draws and falls asleep shortly after 9 most nights and the other does whatever tween boys do in their rooms. Some days they are still awake when I turn off the light but most nights not. On weekends they get to decide when they go to bed and the only rule is, when I go up you go up. We are pretty busy with sports and spend quite a bit of time outside, I know that I prefer to unwind with a book or a puzzle before bed and I want my children to know that their bed time routine does not have to look like mine and that they can trust their bodies to tell them when they are tired. While it may not be popular and I absolutely could not tell you how many hours of sleep my children get, they are healthy, can put themselves to sleep, and it works for us 😀
My kids are 13, 19, and 21... once they hit 11/12 their sleep time pretty much went out the window. When I was still staying up later I would go and check on them and make sure lights were out by a certain point but we moved into a bigger house and that seemed to be the end of me controlling bed time. They all seem to manage well enough. But I did struggle with it for some time.
My daughter has no bedtime on weekends/ summer. She’s 9 and stays up til like 2am at the latest. It definitely varies on her activity levels throughout the day. On school nights she goes to her room at 8, usually asleep by 9. I do have to use sleep meds for her. She has a horrible time of winding down. Luckily she has had minimal homework so far so there’s no issue. She is a natural night owl and mornings are terrible.
My oldest is about to be 13. During the school year we have to be up at 6am, school starts at 715. So I have her “in bed” around 8or so. I know she’s not asleep until closer to 10. Now that it’s summer, we decided her in bed time was 9, but I know she won’t fall asleep until about 10. But her phone screen time ends at 830.
This is becoming a challenge with my 12 yr old son. He has never had good sleep habits, ASD and complex ADHD do not help. However since puberty has started hitting, he is admitting to needing extra sleep and you can tell the next day if he’s not had enough because it’s like a volcano of vitriol from him. He is usually asleep by 9/9.30 but only if the device is shut off. We have Apple and Android which I have parental controls on which has helped with devices being turned off.
My 9 yr old son has always had pretty good sleep habits, albeit that he is awake at dawn. His bed time is 8.30 unless is swim club night which runs late so then it’s 9 however it’s winter here in Australia so the sun is gone by 5.30/6pm so I’ve noticed he tends to fall asleep sooner especially as we having unusually cold weather.
Mine are 8 & 12 sharing a room but just until we move in the next few weeks. My bedtime for both at the min is 9 but my 12yo when he can gets to stay up later. He is definitely gonna be a night owl when he has his own room he stayed with my mom over the weekend and didn't sleep till 2am and awake at half 8 maybe. I'll definitely need to come back and check out these comments in a few weeks when we've moved. My 8yo gets so cranky if she goes to bed late even 9 can be a push for her ideally she'd be in bed at 8pm and wakes at 7:30am every morning for school. They both stay up a little later on the weekends as our son wants to catch up with TV shows and movies with us so could be 11pm or midnight by the time they get to bed on weekends. 🙈 Which means less parents alone time. I'm kind of dreading trying to navigate the bedtime routines when they finish school for summer.
I think it’s ok to go to bed a bit later to give them time to relax in the evening. I always let mine sleep in on the weekend too. I read a couple of studies that said that adults don’t benefit much from trying to make up sleep on the weekend, but teens brains are primed for it. Also, I made a rule to plug their phones in to charge in my room at a certain time at night, so I knew they weren’t up all night chatting w friends or scrolling. You can also get apps that make their phones inaccessible after a certain time in the evening if it really became a problem.
I agree that too much homework leaves too little time for friends, family and relaxation. I feel like all of the teachers want to provide a rigorous education in their subjects, which is great, but when you have six to eight teachers assigning homework most nights it gets to be crazy! I know of some schools that schedule which subjects can give homework which nights of the week as well as limiting the amount so kids aren’t overwhelmed. That seems like a reasonable way to handle it. That being said, I know at this age their focus is interrupted by their phone every few minutes so it takes them longer than it should. Those apps that make their phone inaccessible for a set number of minutes at a time helped my daughter. She did it herself, so it wasn’t a punishment or anything. It just helped her learn a little self-control and time management.
Bedtime. The never ending conundrum! My kids (9 and 11.5) are typically getting in the shower by 8 and my goal is for lights out by 9 and hoping they’re asleep by 9:30. My sixth grade gets up at 6:20 and my 9yo at 6:45 so they need sleep! But they like to read and listen to audio books so I know that often goes on later than I think…
My daughter was always a night owl from toddlerhood. We made her bedtime at Mazzy’s age 9:30 knowing she wasn’t going to sleep for a while, but we needed our kids free time in the evenings—especially since we still had our infant son in our bedroom. When she turned 13, we made bedtime 11 because she wasn’t falling asleep. We were in a bigger apartment then
I’ve always been a night owl, and I have fond memories of watching the late show with my dad. My daughter is 10 and seems to be wired similarly. Weekends/summer I put away her iPad if she’s still awake when I go to sleep. I think that’s important. I am a high school teacher and you wouldn’t believe how many kids tell me they are regularly up till 3 in the morning on their phones. If my daughter wants to stay up and read or draw, that’s fine, but most of the time she just goes to sleep without the iPad.
My kiddos almost 5 and 10 are early risers and share a room bedtime is between 9 and 10 closer to 9 on school nights. Another really interesting topic to come out of this this how differently schools operates in different areas. My mind was blown that someone Mazzy's age had enough homework to last all evening! 🤯 My area must be SUPER lax with homework. My 10 yr old although in special ed, only has to read for 20 min for homework, but I don't think this is specific to special ed. My niece and nephew 16 and 14 don't have much either. They either complete in class or study hall. And if they have homework it's usually because the procrastinated until the end of term on something. I used to be pro homework but I see the benefits of a less strict approach. I think my anxiety would be through the roof if we had to worry about homework everynight there is already so much going on. Is lots of homework normal everywhere but where I live?
My 11 year old is not a morning person. She likes to do stuff at night - like play the piano, ride her hoverboard and do art. I think it is crazy because she is often chilling on the couch at 7:30 or 8 and looks so tired after her day at school and extra-curricular activities, but she gets a second wind and enjoys doing those things in the evening. I do lock her phone by 9pm, so I know even if she is up she's either doing the above mentioned activities, reading or taking a shower. Sometimes I go to sleep after her but often I'm relaxing in bed and she comes in to my room and says good night, around 10:30 or 11pm. My teen boys get themselves to bed, usually by midnight or 1am
I should mention my girls are a bit older. 14 and 16. My rule is this. You can set your bed time. But no matter what you will wake up and go to school the next day. And by wake up this means no complaints. If they can't do that then I make them go to bed earlier. My 14 year old often comes home from school and goes straight to bed. Then she ends up waking up at 1 or 2 am. But she still gets up and goes through school no problem. My 16 year old goes to bed around 9 and is up by 6 every morning. So the bedtime rule has worked. My kids go to bed on their own and they don't give me a hassle in the mornings.
Bed time has always been that one parenting fight I'm willing to have with my kid and honestly it's just what works for us. My 12 year old goes to bed during the week at 9 but we also have an early alarm for school and work. I also know that she's often reading with a flashlight after that time. But no electronics are allowed in the bedroom once lights are out Weekends are pretty flexible as she gets older though. Tonight there is a sleep over happening here and they are planning an all nighter with my only rule to not be loud enough to wake me up! And sometimes that impromptu late night movie or tv show with her while we lay in bed is just so nice.
I try to get my turns-9-on-Monday daughter into bed by 9 on school nights. Honestly 8/830 would be better for her because I know she reads in bed. And she’s super grumpy when overtired. But life’s activities don’t always align with it and she doesn’t complain. On weekends it’s all dependent on what’s going on and what the next day looks like. We still try to stick to 9 because she doesn’t sleep in but we also aren’t super strict about it either.
We shoot for 10pm with our 11 3/4 year old daughter on school nights but sometimes it’s 11 cause of that whole life thing. I can’t go to sleep knowing she’s awake because she has some anxiety and sometimes won’t fall asleep. I’m not a nice person when woken up so I try to make sure she’s settled before I drift off. The fact she sleeps in when she doesn’t have a specific time to wake up helps us not worry about how late she’s up on a weekend. And thankfully she recognizes the need for a good night sleep and doesn’t like to push too late.
One thing we learned when working with a doctor on the sleep issues the oldest had was that at some point you have to stop fighting against their natural circadian rhythms and work bedtime around that. If they’re not able to actually fall asleep till 10pm, then there is no use fighting to put them to bed at 830. I try to keep that in mind when I balance out bedtime with life and commitments.
I feel like times have changed so much. As an adult I now go to bed between 8-9 and get up between 4-5. When I was younger it was almost exactly the same, I had such a hard time staying up until even 10 because I had to get up by 530 for school. Maybe your lifestyle as a child really does impact adulthood!
I have no clue when our 13yo so goes to sleep. All I know is that when we go upstairs to bed - usually around 10:00/10:30, we tell him it's time to get out of the bonus room (where he is playing video games and/or watching YouTube) and go to bed.
At which point, he turns it all off and goes to his room, to turn on YouTube either on his laptop, his phone, or his TV. He probably watches for at least another hour or two, I'm sure.
He wakes up for classes on time (he's been doing online school again this year), albeit grumpy, so I haven't enforced a bedtime. But he's going back to brick and mortar school next year, so the set bedtime will be returning.
I feel like it's more about the number of hours of sleep they're getting rather than the time they go to bed. Having said that, I value that adult free time I get after my 9yo goes to bed so much! It's my "revenge bedtime procrastination" period (which is a real thing that so accurately describes why I look forward to that time!).
Anyway, my son goes to bed around 9:00 p.m. and wakes up between 6:00 and 7:00, which is the appropriate number of hours for his age. He was recently going to bed at 8:30, but baseball practices/games that last until 7:00-8:00 changed that for us.
My almost 9 year old is in bed by 7:30 pm every night. She normally reads for an hour and then is asleep by 8:30. We normally stick to that schedule on weekends and summer, because she is a very early riser and is up by 6 am no matter what time she goes to bed. I am also an early riser and like to be asleep by 9 pm, so maybe it's genetic. Also, I should note that the bus comes for school at 7:10 and my kids are home from school by 2:15 pm. So this leaves over 5 hours for activities, sports, dinner etc.
I also have 2 college age stepdaughters so I have some experience with older ages. The biggest mistake my husband made was not taking away screens at night - I stayed out of it even though I completely disagreed. They got their first phones in middle school and after that they were completely different kids. They were up until all hours embroiled in internet drama, their grades dropped, they were falling into bed after school for naps. Obviously, there has to be some handoff of phone responsibility later in high school to prepare for college independence, but I think the most important thing is not how late they go to bed, but how late they have access to technology.
My kids are 4 years apart, now 18 and 22. I always had early bedtimes for them when I controlled it. In elementary school, it was 8:00. I think in middle school I started allowing 9:00. By 14/high school, I didn’t enforce it as much with my oldest because she was at a school that had lots of homework, so she would stay up for that sometimes (she had her sport every night for 2-3 hours, so that cut into that time). It did, however, affect her, because lack of sleep made her a bit moodier and it sometimes affected her swim practices.
My son, we were a little more lax with. He didn’t have the work she did and while we would tell him it was bedtime, we didn’t punish him if he didn’t go to sleep. Physiologically, teens are night creatures. That’s why there are so many arguments for making school later for high school, because they naturally want to stay up late and sleep late.
Can I tell if our differences in how we enforced it caused their habits of my son sleeping until I get him up at 10 or 11 or later and my daughter getting up easily if there’s something she wants to do? I don’t know because it’s also a big part of their personalities. She is very focused and goal-oriented and waking up easily will do her well as she heads to med school. But he is ADHD and enjoys just letting the world turn around him while he watches. 🤷🏼♀️
Ava is 14 and just finished 8th grade. Her bedtime was supposed to be 11pm this year but it rarely happened! She was up later than that almost every night with homework and I finally gave up the fight. After school activities played a big role in a later start to homework, dinner, etc, too.
We have 3 teens (my stepkids) and an almost 2nd grader in our house on weekends. The teens do whatever for bedtime, unless there is an early morning for the 13 year old (youngest teen) the next day. I can relate to the loveliness of early bedtimes for littler kids with my 1st/2nd grader - it's so nice to have time to ourselves. And just having watched the transition from kid to tween to teen with my stepkids, I think it's different for every kid. They each have their own level of responsibility, schedule, and # of hours of sleep to function properly. Having observed that, and contrary to what I would have done if I hadn't observed it (which is go with the research and stick with the plan), I think we will try different things with the youngest one to figure out what works.
My son is 10 and has been an insanely early riser since he was an infant. 6am is sleeping in for him...he's regularly awake for the day between 5-5:30am. So, he's asleep by 8pm every night. This makes it hard for him to join clubs or sports or even swimming lessons since everything here seems to start at 6pm or later. I was the same as a kid, and eventually turned into a teen who could sleep until noon.....and then turned back into the party pooper friend who couldn't hang past 10pm. 😂
My 11.5 year old has always had trouble falling asleep quickly for a few years now we do our bedtime routine with all the kids starting around 7:30-8. We aim for lights out for my youngest (5) at 8pm, my older daughter (8) who shared a room with her can read and she turns her light off usually by 8:20. My boys (10 & 11.5) share a room and they talk and play for a bit and then my 10 year old conks out and the oldest reads. I never check on him but I sometimes still hear him rummaging around, going to the bathroom at 10. I don’t think he stays up later than that. While I would prefer it to be earlier, he seems to manage it well.
During the school year I had it setup on my daughter’s phone that during the week her phone turned off at 9pm and 10pm on weekends. If she chose to stay up after that it was on her but it wouldn’t be on her phone. Now that it’s summer break it’s later and I leave that up to her to enjoy her time as she wants unless I need her up at a certain time the next day. I’m a night owl as she is and we have good chats late at night that I think happen because it’s just me and her time.
My 9 year old goes to bed by 8:30 and my 11 (almost 12) year old around 9:00-9:15. I was the kind of kid/teen that needed their sleep (still do!) and my kids take after me. My 9 year old can run on less sleep than my 11 year old but I stress how important it is. They don't fight me on it so far, lol. Technology gets plugged in at bedtime and no access to it.
I was always kind of strict about bed times, but covid threw it all out the window. After 2 years, they have kind of settled themselves TBH. My 13.5 son has always enjoyed his sleep. He spends a ton of time in his room, and generally puts himself to bed by 9:30pm. My 12 son on the other hand, has always needed less sleep. He'd stay up past 11 every night if we let him. We push him to bed between 9-10pm, depending on the night.
There is such a HUGE difference between teens and elementary school kids. For one thing, their inherent natures (I have one kid that clearly should be a farmer, and another who should be a club DJ) really manifest. With 14 and 17 (who is driving, with an 11-12 curfew for another thing that isn't present when younger), I have programmed my mesh wifi system (Eeros) to shut off the wifi to each of their devices (you can assign each thing to a different user) at different times - 10 for the 14yo, 10:30 for 17yo during the week, 11 and 11:30 on the weekends. That has been the best thing I have done - yes, they still have data on their phones to text or talk, but 90%+ of the time, they read and then go to sleep once those options (Xbox, netflix, etc.) are removed. Since so many of the comments center around access to tech, this may be a helpful solution. (I really like the Eeros - set it up myself - but Google has a good product as well for mesh wifi.)
My daughter is only 22 months so I can’t really speak from a parenting experience but when I was Mazzy’s age I remember going to bed around 11ish and it was usually bc my Dad would let me stay up to watch old TV shows with him on Nick at Nite. It’s some of the fondest memories I have from growing up and I don’t think my school work or anything suffered bc of it! So if Mazzy is still doing well in school and it doesn’t seem to be affecting her physically I think it’s totally OK for her to stay up!
My son is 13 and requires a lot of sleep. 10-11 hours is ideal, but 8-9 seems to be what we can do during the school year. School nights, we push for lights out no later than 10, although 9:30 is preferable. He wakes up between 6:30 and 7am. On the weekend, I seem to have no control, lol. He goes to bed way after I do. But, if we have something planned that I need him up for or need him to be a decent human, I'll push for an earlier bedtime. Summer break is almost here and I know he will want to stay up super late and sleep half the day. But, he has a babysitting job this summer, so he will have to learn to manage getting to bed at a decent time. We'll see how it goes.
I have an 11 and 9 year and they share a room and I make sure they’re in bed every night by 9 but then I wash my hands of them haha. I know they’re awake past 11 most nights. But they’re reading and bonding and they’re able to get up and function at school every day. When I see they’re over tired from perhaps too many late nights, I will have a lights off by 9 or 10 for a night to help them catch up. And I let them sleep in on weekends. As a night owl myself, I empathize too much with being forced to lay awake in bed, lights off, when you’re not tired. Can’t do that to them.
We have 9.5 and 11.5 yr old boys with a shared room. Since infancy, the youngest is an early-riser/poor sleeper and wakes up 5-6 no matter when he goes to bed. The older will put himself to bed when he’s tired and can sleep in if he needs the sleep. With both in elementary and no homework, we enforce a 9pm bedtime. I see a huge difference in their behavior when they haven’t gotten enough sleep. For my older son, the difference between 9pm and 10pm is huge. It’s like he’s a different kid! Less emotional, less backtalking, less likely to pick on his little brother, general willingness to behave like a human. He starts middle school next year. I have heard that they don’t send homework home, but I know there will be lots of activities. Thankfully when he’s tired he doesn’t fight bedtime. One theme I’m seeing in the comments is electronics. We have a no electronics in the bedroom rule and I’m hoping to enforce that going into these early teen years for as long as possible. The only equivalency I can think of to my own adolescence is dragging the phone on a really long cord into my bedroom and closing the door. Mom would just pick up the phone somewhere else in the house and tell us get off. How times have changed! Now it’s the automated wifi shut down instead. In general though, electronics health is an important issue that contributes so directly to sleep health. I think it’s important to make that connection and to establish tools and strategies that support them.
Very normal. When my kids were smaller I had a strict 8pm bedtime. They could stay up and read until 9, but they were in bed. And I miss that. It allowed my husband and I to have more time together. I miss that.
But I think it’s important to take your cues from the kids. Are they too tired in the morning? If not it’s ok. If they are they need to buy in to lights out and electronics off earlier
This is an interesting topic especially at a time when personal devices interfere with the bedtimes of not only children but also that of adults.
What do you feel about the importance of pre-bedtime rituals in ensuring a proper and consistent bedtime? Such rituals could be like a family talk, going over a checklist for the next school day , reading a bedtime story, or watching some TV, etc.
2 girls here 9&10 school nights in bed by 815pm-830pm (they wake up at 615am)
When they are off school or weekends, 930pm or 10pm. ❤️
My youngest just graduated from high school a couple weeks ago. I am so looking forward to him being in college and having a better school schedule. You are not bad at this. Starting in middle school the homework load is insane. So many school activities. The 4 years of high school are even more intense. Both of my kids had sports, music, theatre etc that would take up any time before and after school. Add in jobs, friends, wow. To fit in music or theatre electives my students took “0” hour classes which were held before the regular 1st class of the day. Their high school started at 7:25am, which is way too early for teenagers who need to sleep, imo. That 0 hour class meant they started school at 6:25am!! They had to get up at 5:10am!! He did percussion in marching band and drumline, that was a 0 hour class at 6:25am with 3 hour rehearsals twice a week from 6-9pm. Finding time for homework, eating dinner and getting enough sleep - it was rough. And this is a child who was miserable with not enough sleep. He left percussion and focused on theatre, but high school is a hard 4 years. My oldest just finished his sophomore year of college and his schedule is so much better. Everyone jokes about college kids don’t sleep, I think that my college student choses his class times, has chunks of time to study and do work during the day, still has free time to socialize, relax and can go to bed “late” because he doesn’t have to get up at 5:10am for school day start time. I don’t have an answer because we definitely struggled with it. Timers help to keep on track. The pomodoro method is helpful (concentrated work for 20 min, 10 min break, back to work). I just saw you commented you were doing this wrong, and you are not - it is hard! And foreshadowing, high school gets harder!! Good Luck to Mazzy and you!
Everyone is different and has to pick their battles. I have three teenage sons, and sleep is a battle I'm willing to have---knowing how tempting it can be to stay up late and how much their brains need sleep, especially as they start driving. They've known this is a priority to us from the beginning so it really hasn't been much of a battle.
My 14 yr old has a 9:30 bedtime and our 16 yr old has a 10:30 bedtime on school nights. They both go an hour later in the summer, and Friday and Saturday are mostly up to them. When discussing these, my 16 yr old shared that what mattered to him most was having at least an hour without his little brother also up, which I totally understand.
More important, imo, is having device free bedrooms. Computers are in our dining room and all phones get plugged in at bedtime in the kitchen. Kids are used to working with headphones if needed. I think losing a few hrs sleep every so often is less of a big deal than getting into the habit of scrolling at bedtime.
We make exceptions often, based on how reliable they've been about unplugging, etc.
My oldest is 19 and we ask him to think about what time he has to be up the next day and plan on at least 8 hrs, but then it is up to him.
Ohhhh this is such a good question and conversation! I love how different everyone’s answers are; it really does seem to depend on the kid and what they need, too.
I have an 11, and 12 year old. They NEED sleep in order to be decent human beings. Lol during school they go to be around 8:30 and fall asleep when they fall asleep. Summer varies, but if we have something early they go to bed early. I can’t imagine what would happen to them if they went to bed after 10 and had to wake at 6 for school. Hopefully one day they’ll get it figured out!
I do enjoy my time with my husband after they go to bed so maybe not too soon. 😁
I can’t really weigh in on specific times because we homeschool and don’t have to be up at 6am most days, and also because my child is 5. But I will say that we started a conversation when she was 3 or 4 about how much sleep your brain needs in a 24 hour period and about keeping our minds and bodies safe and also that if we start getting less sleep than needed that our bodies have a harder time learning to fall asleep and it’s a very vicious cycle. We’re not perfect about it but I do feel like in a world where everything is chaos one of the things I need to protect the most is good sleep. It’s follows you to adulthood!
Well, first every kid is different. My child since birth has had a much later internal bedtime. I noticed it early and it hasn’t changed. Doesn’t matter when she goes to sleep, waking before 8 or 9 is hard for her. No amount of routine has been able to shake this or make her fall asleep sooner.
Looking back, I have also been that way since birth which no amount of routine as been able to change. There is a sleep disorder that causes this, may be just what it is. Treatment is working around your clock. Lol
So we’ve had to adjust. She’s now 10.5 years old.
With 6am wake up calls for school… means it’s not great any morning. We usually try to be in bed by 9 and she’ll be asleep by 10 or 10:30. Making her go to bed earlier makes it worse, she has too much energy, mentally and physically, that stays pent up if she forced to have “quiet time” before 9.
During the summer she is up much much later, but when I think of what is an appropriate time to wake in the morning, 8 or 9 is fine. which means, if she falls asleep by midnight, she is getting 8-9 hours of sleep. So I worry a little less about policing bedtime.
What I try to do, is limit screen time after a certain point. After that it’s up to her. As long as she’s getting enough sleep I don’t worry too much.
I also have a child who has slept less than he average for every stage past newborn. She stopped naps before 1yo.
She makes up for this by essentially having an on/off switch. I legit thought she was dead at times as a newborn. As time has gone on, I’ve realized she’ll sleep through anything. Fire alarms, storms that shake and rattle the house, roofers removing and replacing a roof. When she’s asleep, she is dead to the world, and trying to wake her before a certain time is really almost impossible.
All I can suggest is have Mazzy make her own bedtime routine and stick to it. It’s a good life habit, one with immense health benefits. She gets to make the decision herself, within reason, and you just… monitor. Check in and step in if you need to. (And looking back at myself as a teen, you made need to every once and while, lol). Yay for good habits and independence!
My older two are 14 and 16 and manage their own bedtime. Most the time I’m asleep before they are. This works out perfect for them and we have no issues. My youngest is 12 1/2 and I have his iphone set up to lock him out at 1015. He then knows it’s time to go to bed. We do this because he still wakes up early in the morning at around 7 and we want him to get enough rest.
My daughter is 9 y/o and is in bed at 8:00 pm reads a little and is usually asleep by 8:30pm. She trys to make it to 9pm but never makes it.
I have a 10 year old and throughout the school year (3rd and 4th grade) she was in bed no later than 8 and lights out soon thereafter. Now that summertime is upon us we will loosen that depending upon what we have gong on, but will try for the most part not to vary too much because we are all early risers. I know as she gets older it will be more difficult to manage, but for now this has been our basic schedule the last two years. Also, during the school year I intentionally try not schedule after school activities that end later than 7 so that we don't have harried evenings.
Ilana, I was going to suggest this as a topic for you! I’m totally having the same struggle. Bigger apartment now, 12yo in her own space, and going to bed embarrassingly late (I shouldn’t admit this but school is over and I think she was watching movies on her iPad until wee hours last night). It doesn’t help that she and I are biological night owls. I feel terrible about it and beat myself up about needing to do better, to teach her better habits. It’s really hard!
This is such a good conversation. My son will be 10 next month and if he doesn't get 9 it's ok for a few days but then EVERYTHING IS HARD. We still try for start getting ready for bed at 8 and then read. What I'm not seeing in the conversation is that we still sit with him. He insists. I know he will grow out of it but he gets ready for bed and then my husband or I will sit in a chair by his bed and we will read while he does. We call lights out, do hugs and then play a sleep story from Calm. It's a routine that works for us so we'll do it until he grows out of it. But mornings are pretty easy. He is up at 6:30 regardless of when he went to bed. He gets his Zbars, watches videos and just starts his day on his own terms. Will be interesting to see how this grows and changes as he grows.
I have an 11.5 year old starting 6th grade in the fall so I think we will probably change things up then, but he and my almost 9 year old who will be in 4th have had an in bed by 8:30 asleep by 9 routine this past year. They share a room and it was previously 8, but we started to have some sports where we weren't getting home until 8 or later, so I let them stay up a little this year and it was okay. We get up at 6:30 and my younger has always been a crappy sleeper (he has ADHD, anxiety, and is twice exceptional so has SO much trouble turning his brain off) and I tried to maximize their sleep where I could.
I think this upcoming year, we will split it out a little - my younger will follow the same routine he did this year, but I'll allow my older to stay up until 9-9:30, as long as he's still able to get up for school without drama. It's tough. We are on a pretty heavy screens diet anyway (see above 2E kid) so no electronics in their room other than the Bluetooth speaker for music. It's hard to figure out and really each kid is unique in their sleep needs.
My oldest is almost 12, and he’s in bed at around 8:30, but he’s allowed to read or write or whatever quiet activity until he’s ready to sleep (usually around 9:30/10am, but he’s an early riser).
My daughter is almost 10, and she’s the same. She is in bed by 8, and can read until she’s ready to sleep (usually by 9).
My kids are homeschooled, so no homework.
I think that makes a big difference. I also used to put in my kids’ IEPs that they wouldn’t be doing any homework in elementary school. I’ve read countless studies against homework, and both my big kids are autistic (my youngest is as we) and after a day of masking and working hard to pay attention and sit still and whatnot in school, doing homework was just a recipe for meltdowns so we just stopped.
I think you just have to do whatever works best for your kids, and knowing that it’s okay to change things up as needed is important.
My older kiddos are 11,11,13&14. We send them to their rooms at 9:30/10 on weekends and 9 on school nights. However after that we let them Decide when to actually go to sleep. 3 of the 4 are night owls so I think some nights it’s as late as 1am!
Our last 2 are 12 and 7. After years of back and forth with the older two, here is where we landed. You have to be in your room at (8:30 for the 7 and 9:30 for the 12) your time and I will turn the lights off at 10:00. I have one who reads/draws and falls asleep shortly after 9 most nights and the other does whatever tween boys do in their rooms. Some days they are still awake when I turn off the light but most nights not. On weekends they get to decide when they go to bed and the only rule is, when I go up you go up. We are pretty busy with sports and spend quite a bit of time outside, I know that I prefer to unwind with a book or a puzzle before bed and I want my children to know that their bed time routine does not have to look like mine and that they can trust their bodies to tell them when they are tired. While it may not be popular and I absolutely could not tell you how many hours of sleep my children get, they are healthy, can put themselves to sleep, and it works for us 😀
My kids are 13, 19, and 21... once they hit 11/12 their sleep time pretty much went out the window. When I was still staying up later I would go and check on them and make sure lights were out by a certain point but we moved into a bigger house and that seemed to be the end of me controlling bed time. They all seem to manage well enough. But I did struggle with it for some time.
My daughter has no bedtime on weekends/ summer. She’s 9 and stays up til like 2am at the latest. It definitely varies on her activity levels throughout the day. On school nights she goes to her room at 8, usually asleep by 9. I do have to use sleep meds for her. She has a horrible time of winding down. Luckily she has had minimal homework so far so there’s no issue. She is a natural night owl and mornings are terrible.
My oldest is about to be 13. During the school year we have to be up at 6am, school starts at 715. So I have her “in bed” around 8or so. I know she’s not asleep until closer to 10. Now that it’s summer, we decided her in bed time was 9, but I know she won’t fall asleep until about 10. But her phone screen time ends at 830.
This is becoming a challenge with my 12 yr old son. He has never had good sleep habits, ASD and complex ADHD do not help. However since puberty has started hitting, he is admitting to needing extra sleep and you can tell the next day if he’s not had enough because it’s like a volcano of vitriol from him. He is usually asleep by 9/9.30 but only if the device is shut off. We have Apple and Android which I have parental controls on which has helped with devices being turned off.
My 9 yr old son has always had pretty good sleep habits, albeit that he is awake at dawn. His bed time is 8.30 unless is swim club night which runs late so then it’s 9 however it’s winter here in Australia so the sun is gone by 5.30/6pm so I’ve noticed he tends to fall asleep sooner especially as we having unusually cold weather.
Mine are 8 & 12 sharing a room but just until we move in the next few weeks. My bedtime for both at the min is 9 but my 12yo when he can gets to stay up later. He is definitely gonna be a night owl when he has his own room he stayed with my mom over the weekend and didn't sleep till 2am and awake at half 8 maybe. I'll definitely need to come back and check out these comments in a few weeks when we've moved. My 8yo gets so cranky if she goes to bed late even 9 can be a push for her ideally she'd be in bed at 8pm and wakes at 7:30am every morning for school. They both stay up a little later on the weekends as our son wants to catch up with TV shows and movies with us so could be 11pm or midnight by the time they get to bed on weekends. 🙈 Which means less parents alone time. I'm kind of dreading trying to navigate the bedtime routines when they finish school for summer.
I think it’s ok to go to bed a bit later to give them time to relax in the evening. I always let mine sleep in on the weekend too. I read a couple of studies that said that adults don’t benefit much from trying to make up sleep on the weekend, but teens brains are primed for it. Also, I made a rule to plug their phones in to charge in my room at a certain time at night, so I knew they weren’t up all night chatting w friends or scrolling. You can also get apps that make their phones inaccessible after a certain time in the evening if it really became a problem.
I agree that too much homework leaves too little time for friends, family and relaxation. I feel like all of the teachers want to provide a rigorous education in their subjects, which is great, but when you have six to eight teachers assigning homework most nights it gets to be crazy! I know of some schools that schedule which subjects can give homework which nights of the week as well as limiting the amount so kids aren’t overwhelmed. That seems like a reasonable way to handle it. That being said, I know at this age their focus is interrupted by their phone every few minutes so it takes them longer than it should. Those apps that make their phone inaccessible for a set number of minutes at a time helped my daughter. She did it herself, so it wasn’t a punishment or anything. It just helped her learn a little self-control and time management.
Bedtime. The never ending conundrum! My kids (9 and 11.5) are typically getting in the shower by 8 and my goal is for lights out by 9 and hoping they’re asleep by 9:30. My sixth grade gets up at 6:20 and my 9yo at 6:45 so they need sleep! But they like to read and listen to audio books so I know that often goes on later than I think…
My daughter was always a night owl from toddlerhood. We made her bedtime at Mazzy’s age 9:30 knowing she wasn’t going to sleep for a while, but we needed our kids free time in the evenings—especially since we still had our infant son in our bedroom. When she turned 13, we made bedtime 11 because she wasn’t falling asleep. We were in a bigger apartment then
I’ve always been a night owl, and I have fond memories of watching the late show with my dad. My daughter is 10 and seems to be wired similarly. Weekends/summer I put away her iPad if she’s still awake when I go to sleep. I think that’s important. I am a high school teacher and you wouldn’t believe how many kids tell me they are regularly up till 3 in the morning on their phones. If my daughter wants to stay up and read or draw, that’s fine, but most of the time she just goes to sleep without the iPad.
My kiddos almost 5 and 10 are early risers and share a room bedtime is between 9 and 10 closer to 9 on school nights. Another really interesting topic to come out of this this how differently schools operates in different areas. My mind was blown that someone Mazzy's age had enough homework to last all evening! 🤯 My area must be SUPER lax with homework. My 10 yr old although in special ed, only has to read for 20 min for homework, but I don't think this is specific to special ed. My niece and nephew 16 and 14 don't have much either. They either complete in class or study hall. And if they have homework it's usually because the procrastinated until the end of term on something. I used to be pro homework but I see the benefits of a less strict approach. I think my anxiety would be through the roof if we had to worry about homework everynight there is already so much going on. Is lots of homework normal everywhere but where I live?
My 11 year old is not a morning person. She likes to do stuff at night - like play the piano, ride her hoverboard and do art. I think it is crazy because she is often chilling on the couch at 7:30 or 8 and looks so tired after her day at school and extra-curricular activities, but she gets a second wind and enjoys doing those things in the evening. I do lock her phone by 9pm, so I know even if she is up she's either doing the above mentioned activities, reading or taking a shower. Sometimes I go to sleep after her but often I'm relaxing in bed and she comes in to my room and says good night, around 10:30 or 11pm. My teen boys get themselves to bed, usually by midnight or 1am
I should mention my girls are a bit older. 14 and 16. My rule is this. You can set your bed time. But no matter what you will wake up and go to school the next day. And by wake up this means no complaints. If they can't do that then I make them go to bed earlier. My 14 year old often comes home from school and goes straight to bed. Then she ends up waking up at 1 or 2 am. But she still gets up and goes through school no problem. My 16 year old goes to bed around 9 and is up by 6 every morning. So the bedtime rule has worked. My kids go to bed on their own and they don't give me a hassle in the mornings.
Bed time has always been that one parenting fight I'm willing to have with my kid and honestly it's just what works for us. My 12 year old goes to bed during the week at 9 but we also have an early alarm for school and work. I also know that she's often reading with a flashlight after that time. But no electronics are allowed in the bedroom once lights are out Weekends are pretty flexible as she gets older though. Tonight there is a sleep over happening here and they are planning an all nighter with my only rule to not be loud enough to wake me up! And sometimes that impromptu late night movie or tv show with her while we lay in bed is just so nice.
I try to get my turns-9-on-Monday daughter into bed by 9 on school nights. Honestly 8/830 would be better for her because I know she reads in bed. And she’s super grumpy when overtired. But life’s activities don’t always align with it and she doesn’t complain. On weekends it’s all dependent on what’s going on and what the next day looks like. We still try to stick to 9 because she doesn’t sleep in but we also aren’t super strict about it either.
We shoot for 10pm with our 11 3/4 year old daughter on school nights but sometimes it’s 11 cause of that whole life thing. I can’t go to sleep knowing she’s awake because she has some anxiety and sometimes won’t fall asleep. I’m not a nice person when woken up so I try to make sure she’s settled before I drift off. The fact she sleeps in when she doesn’t have a specific time to wake up helps us not worry about how late she’s up on a weekend. And thankfully she recognizes the need for a good night sleep and doesn’t like to push too late.
One thing we learned when working with a doctor on the sleep issues the oldest had was that at some point you have to stop fighting against their natural circadian rhythms and work bedtime around that. If they’re not able to actually fall asleep till 10pm, then there is no use fighting to put them to bed at 830. I try to keep that in mind when I balance out bedtime with life and commitments.
I feel like times have changed so much. As an adult I now go to bed between 8-9 and get up between 4-5. When I was younger it was almost exactly the same, I had such a hard time staying up until even 10 because I had to get up by 530 for school. Maybe your lifestyle as a child really does impact adulthood!
Oh, the days when we had set bedtimes...
I have no clue when our 13yo so goes to sleep. All I know is that when we go upstairs to bed - usually around 10:00/10:30, we tell him it's time to get out of the bonus room (where he is playing video games and/or watching YouTube) and go to bed.
At which point, he turns it all off and goes to his room, to turn on YouTube either on his laptop, his phone, or his TV. He probably watches for at least another hour or two, I'm sure.
He wakes up for classes on time (he's been doing online school again this year), albeit grumpy, so I haven't enforced a bedtime. But he's going back to brick and mortar school next year, so the set bedtime will be returning.
I feel like it's more about the number of hours of sleep they're getting rather than the time they go to bed. Having said that, I value that adult free time I get after my 9yo goes to bed so much! It's my "revenge bedtime procrastination" period (which is a real thing that so accurately describes why I look forward to that time!).
Anyway, my son goes to bed around 9:00 p.m. and wakes up between 6:00 and 7:00, which is the appropriate number of hours for his age. He was recently going to bed at 8:30, but baseball practices/games that last until 7:00-8:00 changed that for us.
My almost 9 year old is in bed by 7:30 pm every night. She normally reads for an hour and then is asleep by 8:30. We normally stick to that schedule on weekends and summer, because she is a very early riser and is up by 6 am no matter what time she goes to bed. I am also an early riser and like to be asleep by 9 pm, so maybe it's genetic. Also, I should note that the bus comes for school at 7:10 and my kids are home from school by 2:15 pm. So this leaves over 5 hours for activities, sports, dinner etc.
I also have 2 college age stepdaughters so I have some experience with older ages. The biggest mistake my husband made was not taking away screens at night - I stayed out of it even though I completely disagreed. They got their first phones in middle school and after that they were completely different kids. They were up until all hours embroiled in internet drama, their grades dropped, they were falling into bed after school for naps. Obviously, there has to be some handoff of phone responsibility later in high school to prepare for college independence, but I think the most important thing is not how late they go to bed, but how late they have access to technology.
My kids are 4 years apart, now 18 and 22. I always had early bedtimes for them when I controlled it. In elementary school, it was 8:00. I think in middle school I started allowing 9:00. By 14/high school, I didn’t enforce it as much with my oldest because she was at a school that had lots of homework, so she would stay up for that sometimes (she had her sport every night for 2-3 hours, so that cut into that time). It did, however, affect her, because lack of sleep made her a bit moodier and it sometimes affected her swim practices.
My son, we were a little more lax with. He didn’t have the work she did and while we would tell him it was bedtime, we didn’t punish him if he didn’t go to sleep. Physiologically, teens are night creatures. That’s why there are so many arguments for making school later for high school, because they naturally want to stay up late and sleep late.
Can I tell if our differences in how we enforced it caused their habits of my son sleeping until I get him up at 10 or 11 or later and my daughter getting up easily if there’s something she wants to do? I don’t know because it’s also a big part of their personalities. She is very focused and goal-oriented and waking up easily will do her well as she heads to med school. But he is ADHD and enjoys just letting the world turn around him while he watches. 🤷🏼♀️
Ava is 14 and just finished 8th grade. Her bedtime was supposed to be 11pm this year but it rarely happened! She was up later than that almost every night with homework and I finally gave up the fight. After school activities played a big role in a later start to homework, dinner, etc, too.
We have 3 teens (my stepkids) and an almost 2nd grader in our house on weekends. The teens do whatever for bedtime, unless there is an early morning for the 13 year old (youngest teen) the next day. I can relate to the loveliness of early bedtimes for littler kids with my 1st/2nd grader - it's so nice to have time to ourselves. And just having watched the transition from kid to tween to teen with my stepkids, I think it's different for every kid. They each have their own level of responsibility, schedule, and # of hours of sleep to function properly. Having observed that, and contrary to what I would have done if I hadn't observed it (which is go with the research and stick with the plan), I think we will try different things with the youngest one to figure out what works.
My son is 10 and has been an insanely early riser since he was an infant. 6am is sleeping in for him...he's regularly awake for the day between 5-5:30am. So, he's asleep by 8pm every night. This makes it hard for him to join clubs or sports or even swimming lessons since everything here seems to start at 6pm or later. I was the same as a kid, and eventually turned into a teen who could sleep until noon.....and then turned back into the party pooper friend who couldn't hang past 10pm. 😂
My 11.5 year old has always had trouble falling asleep quickly for a few years now we do our bedtime routine with all the kids starting around 7:30-8. We aim for lights out for my youngest (5) at 8pm, my older daughter (8) who shared a room with her can read and she turns her light off usually by 8:20. My boys (10 & 11.5) share a room and they talk and play for a bit and then my 10 year old conks out and the oldest reads. I never check on him but I sometimes still hear him rummaging around, going to the bathroom at 10. I don’t think he stays up later than that. While I would prefer it to be earlier, he seems to manage it well.
During the school year I had it setup on my daughter’s phone that during the week her phone turned off at 9pm and 10pm on weekends. If she chose to stay up after that it was on her but it wouldn’t be on her phone. Now that it’s summer break it’s later and I leave that up to her to enjoy her time as she wants unless I need her up at a certain time the next day. I’m a night owl as she is and we have good chats late at night that I think happen because it’s just me and her time.
My 9 year old goes to bed by 8:30 and my 11 (almost 12) year old around 9:00-9:15. I was the kind of kid/teen that needed their sleep (still do!) and my kids take after me. My 9 year old can run on less sleep than my 11 year old but I stress how important it is. They don't fight me on it so far, lol. Technology gets plugged in at bedtime and no access to it.
I was always kind of strict about bed times, but covid threw it all out the window. After 2 years, they have kind of settled themselves TBH. My 13.5 son has always enjoyed his sleep. He spends a ton of time in his room, and generally puts himself to bed by 9:30pm. My 12 son on the other hand, has always needed less sleep. He'd stay up past 11 every night if we let him. We push him to bed between 9-10pm, depending on the night.