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Jan 13, 2022Liked by Ilana Wiles

There’s a chapter in Annie Downs’ book “That Sounds Fun” about the importance of hobbies as adults and trying new things and being okay with being beginners at something. I also struggle with wondering if I haven’t done enough as a parent to help my kids their passions (they haven’t found their “thing” yet), but that chapter helped me stress about it less. Helping my kids know that it’s okay to do something just for the fun of it in the end seems fairly important as a life skill, too.

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It’s so funny because I was listening to an episode of Glennon Doyle’s podcast and she talks about this exact thing (minus the movie)… the fact that parents always define their kids… she’s the empathetic one, he’s the athletic one, she’s the dancer, he’s the funny one. And she talks about how her mom like of defined her and her sister like that and they subconsciously felt the need to stay in those confines, or fit those descriptions. When in reality, as adults, they realized that they both embody the opposite. And maybe they spent so much time thinking they couldn’t be or do anything else that it really restricted them. I don’t know if I’m explaining it right, but it was so eye opening and really made me reflect on how I talk to (and think about) my kids. Love how this movie ties into that- good thoughts! I enjoyed reading your post!

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Thank you for writing this! I feel the same way and my kids are younger than yours. Kids activities have become so professionalized that I worry if my second grader doesn't find her "thing" soon it will be too late. If she never becomes a professional dancer, exceptional athlete, world class musician- that's fine with me. But I worry that if she wakes up in middle school and decides to pursue something, it will be too late to learn because all the other kids will have been doing that activity since they were three. I hate feeling this way and I want to appreciate my kids exactly as they are but it's so hard to turn off the worry that I am making the wrong choices and they will miss out on something because of those choices.

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I love this question! I think it is far more important to help our kids become whole hearted, emotionally regulated people who can navigate the ups and downs of life. I think we can celebrate things that we see about our kids (my son is gifted with math) without pushing and creating the pressure to achieve.

My own therapist has been challenging me to replace the word “good” with the word “healthy”. Is your child healthy emotionally, because if they are (for the most part), then I think they are going to be amazing no matter how many sports or clubs they are a part of.

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As they get older, it gets more interesting. My boys (14 and 17, almost) have played 3 sports a year since they were four. We did NY resolutions this year and my oldest announced he wanted to learn how to play an instrument and my youngest said piano lessons. As a former music major myself, I’ve offered lessons each year and stopped a few years back; it’s cool to see they are now opting in. At the same time, with sports, I have no regrets that we mandated a team sport throughout childhood - it’s kept them fit, created relationships and given us access to much needed outdoor time over the past few years. So it may be a balance - it’s okay to mandate for maybe 1-2 years and then let it be a choice. Anyone who skis knows the first time on skis sucks but the next time can be magical - so as a parent, I think it’s okay to lean in a little bit as long as your vision isn’t a lifelong profession in that discipline.

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Jan 15, 2022·edited Jan 15, 2022

I think there may be too much focus or pressure on finding kids’ talents when it should be about giving them opportunities to develop life skills. And the talent or interests may follow… or not. We signed our daughter up for swimming lessons to gain skills for her safety and to enjoy being in the water. She struggled at first and saw classmates move up a level, but she kept trying and having fun. She also gets to develop her social skills as the swim class kids are different than her regular school classmates. While she loves to dance and enjoys different sports we’ve signed her up for, they’re really more about the social aspect for her as it means more time with her best friend.

I believe my mom took a similar practical approach for my sister and me. She was proud and sometimes impressed that we were comfortable performing in the school plays and show choir, but she saw these activities as helping us build poise and confidence in front of an audience. Honestly, I think she was happy that we didn’t want to pursue a performance career on Broadway, mainly because it would mean moving away from the Midwest and her.

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Music was my "thing". I travelled in Europe (I'm UK based) with youth orchestras and loved it. My parents never did anything like that, did not push me, I just enjoyed it and found my fit.

None of my kids has found their fit. At all.

I've offered the classes and they happily do the ones they want but have no drive to be more than happy. They drop things after time too. My daughter plays violin like me, but she doesn't love it like I did or find it easy so I told her it's OK to quit any time, because I actually love that she's not me - "I too raised an original"! But in saying that, though she hasn't quit, I guess, like you, I kinda assumed she would find a different thing. She loves to dance, but purely for loving to dance. She's not a "dance girl". My eldest used to do coding club and was great at it but aged out his class and post-lockdown never went back. I can't figure out how much is the impact of habits being broken by covid and how much is because they were never that bothered in the first place anyway. Now he makes awesome (but slightly tedious) YouTube videos on gaming.... which he says is his thing but is totally solitary and completely self-taught. My youngest won't do any clubs or classes except swimming which is non-negotiable because LIFE SKILL, at all in any way.

I've questioned should I push more, should I not give them choice..... but then is it their "thing", really, or mine?

Where I've got to is, my kid does choir because singing makes her happy and dance because dance makes her happy and is the star of neither..... but is happy.

And if "knowing what makes her happy" (and what doesn't) is her "thing" maybe that's actually even more awesome?

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This is one of the themes of my next middle grade novel, Where You’ve Got to Be (HarperCollins 9/22). I think there’s way too much pressure on kids today to have a thing. As my 6th grade daughter, who’s feeling overwhelmed with activities, just asked me today, “what did you do in 6th grade, mom?” My answer: nothing!

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Jan 14, 2022·edited Jan 14, 2022

For me, I have selfish reasons for not wanting my child to put all their focus in a particular area at the moment. I personally don’t want to spend my weekends or evenings at soccer games, dance rehearsals, etc. The thought of schlepping all over creation, spending tons of money all while my child complains that they just want to stay home or that they don’t feel like it today, are what keep me from committing to too much too soon. You see, I was forced into a life of dancing school from the age of 3 until I was well into college. And while I love dance, who doesn’t?, I often resented all the after school and weekend commitments and just wanted to be with my friends or relax at home. I was never home. And what do I as an adult have to show for it? Nothing more than old photos and videos. A few trophies. I don’t want that for my daughter. If she’s very interested, I will for sure allow her to pursue anything she wants. But for now, we are more than fine with just a little of this and a little of that.

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founding

A kid who is good at lots of things but excels at nothing can be just as happy as a kid who is laser focused on one activity and strives to be the best. Ultimately, I think a child's passion should drive the pursuit and not a parent. A parent should be there to expose the child to opportunities, encourage their passions, guide their dreams and love them whichever path(s) they choose.

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I have this thought all the time. I don't really push my kids to do anything, I just let them pick and choose what they want. They times I have forced activities on them, it has not gone over well and I have regretted it. But with everyone else around us having kids doing 2-3 different activities I feel like I'm failing them, like I'm supposed to be pushing them and guiding them. I still don't know what the right thing is.

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I've noticed that middle son, who is incredibly athletic, wants to do all the things that my oldest did. He insisted that he really wanted to be in band and play an instrument but he had zero desire to practice or learn music. My oldest son NEVER had to be told to practice. He started with alto sax, added tenor sax and has since taught himself piano, guitar, clarinet, trumpet, and percussion. It blows my mind but I never pushed him do to any of it. My middle son is a perfectionist but just wasn't musical, did not enjoy it and had a mental breakdown trying to tell us he wanted to quit. All 3 boys are on swim team so we had trouble allowing him to add a travel soccer team to his schedule but he loves it and has fun. I love that my youngest is perfectly content to do his own thing ignoring his brothers and finding his own things. He loves gymnastics, soccer, swim, and music so there are connections to his brothers but he's uniquely himself. He's also my little fashion man who loves leggings or suits (complete with vest and tie). It is tough to balance encouragement and pressure while also allowing them freedom.

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I have always been an over achiever throughout. My kid is going to high school in next School year and I am struggling to keep a sane mind. I need to accept her as is and often times I end up comparing myself to her, which is so unfair and I hate myself for it

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My 10 year old actually brought this to our attention. She asked us why we sign her up for all these activities (3- 2 sports that are 1x per week and Girl Scouts) when she wants to just be and I had to think why it was I was actually signing her up for things. The main reason is exercise and interaction with peers, especially during the winter and the social after effects of isolation and quarantine but some of it is that I want her to have exposure so she isn’t behind when she decides what her thing is. But I never want her to feel pressure which she has somehow put on herself and we have unintentionally put on her. It’s so hard, what is good for them vs. defining them. I hope I figure it out!

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My mom had a dream of having a piano-playing ballerina daughter. Turns out, I didn't really have the passion (or talent) for both despite taking classes. But as I got older, I appreciate taking classes, I was able to use those skills when I worked in theater and have great appreciation for ballet dancers. When I left theater, I had a fear of losing my identity. But I'm actually okay to not have one single thing/skill that I am great at. I am really content of being a seasonal hobbyist (now it's rollerblading) because I am enjoying it a lot rather than pressure on myself to be good at one thing.

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I was just talking about something similar with my mom. I've started playing with watercolors lately and did a couple cool things and she kind of mused, "I wonder if you could..." And I cut her off because I had the same thought and then realized What a capitalistic American thing. To find something that's just enjoyable and immediately try to figure how to get money out of it, or make it stressful trying to turn it into a business. My kids are very creative and entertaining and I worry I should have them in classes etc, but I also want them to just enjoy these outlets. A lot of accomplished artists and musicians have no formal training and didn't go to special schools, so for now I'll just let them enjoy it their way until they express interest in something more organized.

Also my mom told me she was musing over her grandkids special "gifts" and now I wonder if that was because of Encanto, lol. She had an answer for each grandchild even if it wasn't a typical "talent" and I liked that.

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I have so many thoughts on this. My husband and I are both 1st generation Americans so we didn't really have any after-school or weekend activities. (Hubs did Judo for a few years and we both played clarinet at school - but the uniform money was always a drag on my dad.) We basically went to school and went home where you had to pretend no one was home because your parents were still at work.

1st tangent: My "cousins" were much wealthier and were always in swimming (synchronized/swim meets). Even now that we're in our late 30s... we're all moms to daughters... we all have different careers... BUT I only associate them with swimming. Which I'm sure they haven't done in years.

2nd tangent: We put our daughter in a weekly karate class but she didn't love it so after a few weeks we stopped. Maybe we should have kept her in for the whole program (12 weeks total, I think) but I feel like it was a weird class where the teachers didn't know how to pivot for Covid.

3rd tangent: We love love love *Encanto* at our house. The soundtrack is on repeat daily. I initially felt it from a sister perspective from when I was little and in no control of anything in my life, but every time I watch it I try to see it from someone else's perspective and how it translates to my relationships now as a mom, or wife, or adult-sister.

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Sooo many responses that resonate with me hard core! I don't have a 'thing' never did. Sometimes that makes me sad because my Mom didn't really have a thing either so growing up she didn't really expose us to activities. Other times I'm fine with it because I am someone who is open to trying ANYTHING at ANYTIME even if I'm not good at it or don't love it.

Saying that, I try to do better for my kids but also realizing they don't really have a 'thing' either. They enjoy swimming lessons once a week and that's really it.. for now. We talk about activities and if they might want to do a, b, c and they don't really show interest. So I'm going to keep talking about activities they might want to try and maybe one will peak their interest. My son in middle school signed up for a club all on his own (one I didn't even think he would be interested in) and it showed me that maybe they are doing just fine with finding their own interests in their own time.

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I never was the kid with her 'thing' but what made a difference for me was because my mother never pushed for me to have a 'thing', she was content at letting me explore all the activities that were possible and that was the best of my childhood and teenager years. so maybe i didn't win medals or went to many competitions, but I played soccer, handball, basketball, tennis, did ballet and jazz, tried karate, capoeira, muay thai, boxing, swimming and that was the best. To know that I could experiment life with the support of my parents without worrying that I had to be the best of the best for my mother to be happy. She just wanted me just experience life, not become a professional (if that wasn't what I wanted)

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I don’t have kids so I can only go off my personal experience, but I think it’s OK if the things they enjoy stay as hobbies for now! What started as a hobby for me at age 8 (playing an instrument) stayed a hobby up until I was in high school, when it became my “thing” and I got a lot more serious (I’m a professional musician now, so it actually turned into my career). My mom and dad were always encouraging but never pushed me to be more serious about it than I wanted, so when I did start to get more focused on that one activity, the desire was really coming from me and me only. I dabbled in lots of other hobbies and activities throughout elementary/middle school as well, and they gradually phased out as I honed in on what I like. Anyway, this long tangent is just my way of saying that you seem like you have the right idea not to overly push them! They may stick with these hobbies, or they may become gateways to other passions, and either way, you’re raising awesome kids so I don’t think you need to worry 😊

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It’s such a fine line! I tease my mom all the time about how she let me casually dabble in everything! I did horseback riding, ice skating, ballet, piano, and countless other things. I always tell her “you should just made me pick something!” Mainly when I’m wishing I could play the piano like she can! But then I realize that I have never once felt pressure to meet her standards. I just am who I am and I know I will never disappoint her not be enough. She gave me opportunities and let me lead the way. She did have a commitment rule though. So if I tried something, I did it for 6 months. If I was done at the end-then fine…but if I wanted to keep going then I could! I think that also helped take the pressure off-knowing that there was no expectations up front. And I could just enjoy the activity for what it was and learn what I wanted to from it.

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This movie resonates with me so hard. Being a gifted/smart/whatever you’d like to call it kid in public elementary school put so much pressure on me to be perfect in school from my family. When I got to middle school I went to a magnet school for smart kids and suddenly I wasn’t the smartest kid because I was actually being challenged, and all of that pressure got to me. My parents and family didn’t expect me to be perfect after talking to them how unhappy I was, they just wanted me to try my best. Any hobby or activity I did they didn’t pressure me to be great at either, which was so nice. Now being a parent I’m planning on treating my daughter the same way. She’s only 2 and I’m putting her in dance in the fall. If she loves it that’ll be awesome, if she hates it I’ll be fine with that too. I just want her to be happy with whatever she does!

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When I grew up the most I did was brownies and the odd casual sport club now and again. We couldn't afford for me to learn an instrument so not something I was familiar with

My 10 year old seems to naturally be musical, loves sunging and can carry a tune so she does piano lessons eachbweek. From someone who knows nothing about it she seems to be progressing well and her teacher is prepping her for grade 1 exam however I don't care if she never takes it or never passes, if she wants her teacher to help her learn taylor swift songs instead I am more than happy with that. What I do say though is that, having asked for the lessons and after we bought an expensive electric piano she is not allowed to just quit. I need her to learn that stuff like that can be hard and she needs to be willing to suck for a while to get the pay off in the end. I don't need her to be better than everyone else but I want her to learn to try to improve on 'last week's Isobel' as that's the skill she needs to be successful. It is unlikely she'll be a concert pianist but if she cannread music and enjoy playing for herself having learned how to push through the difficult parts then that's a success.

So far my 7yo goes to brownies. She doesn't do anything else yet, partly due to pandemic hitting when she was 5 and partly cos she is still thinking about what she wants to try.

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Yes!! I never could have articulated this as well but exactly! What I truly want for my kids is to know how it feels to have something you enjoy doing just because you enjoy it but then why IS it is so hard not to push them to try to excel? And my kids are still relatively young!!

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I feel the same way about my kids. They have things that they are good at, but they aren’t on the travel soccer team, or playing the drums on the Ellen show. I try to make sure that they are happy and devoted to whatever they are signed up for, but I have also realized that that type of life isn’t what’s right for my kids. And it wasn’t right for me when I was little either, and I’d like to think that I turned out okay :)

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I feel the same way about my kids. They have things that they are good at, but they aren’t on the travel soccer team, or playing the drums on the Ellen show. I try to make sure that they are happy and devoted to whatever they are signed up for, but I have also realized that that type of life isn’t what’s right for my kids. And it wasn’t right for me when I was little either, and I’d like to think that I turned out okay :)

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I feel the same way about my kids. They have things that they are good at, but they aren’t on the travel soccer team, or playing the drums on the Ellen show. I try to make sure that they are happy and devoted to whatever they are signed up for, but I have also realized that that type of life isn’t what’s right for my kids. And it wasn’t right for me when I was little either, and I’d like to think that I turned out okay :)

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I feel the same way about my kids. They have things that they are good at, but they aren’t on the travel soccer team, or playing the drums on the Ellen show. I try to make sure that they are happy and devoted to whatever they are signed up for, but I have also realized that that type of life isn’t what’s right for my kids. And it wasn’t right for me when I was little either, and I’d like to think that I turned out okay :)

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I feel the same way about my kids. They have things that they are good at, but they aren’t on the travel soccer team, or playing the drums on the Ellen show. I try to make sure that they are happy and devoted to whatever they are signed up for, but I have also realized that that type of life isn’t what’s right for my kids. And it wasn’t right for me when I was little either, and I’d like to think that I turned out okay :)

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founding

While I don't think it is selfish to want your child to be exceptionally good at something I think it just may not be a realistic expectation for your child. My belief is similar to my parenting and grand parenting approach to raising a child in an authoritative environment where I guide them but I am not doing it in an authoritarian way. Years ago, I remember an adult friend saying that he would have continued to enjoy piano if he had not been made to practice so much as a kid...I thought that was interesting as I, myself always wanted to learn piano.

What concerned me about Encanto was that the Abuela valued their talents more than the individuals. In the end, she realized that everyone has value no matter whether they have a special talent or not. Personally, I watch my granddaughter (13 yrs old) and observe how what interested her in her early childhood years is waning and she is now into other activities like mock trial at school and its competitiveness yet she has kept her artistic interests at home and uses these talents at school on projects. One thing, my granddaughter was encouraged to do at a young age was cheer on a competitive basis...she liked it and she is small so it is a sport that she can continue in high school. She wanted to play basketball but was clobbered and broke her wrist because she was small which helped her decide for herself that she did not want to continue playing. We all discouraged her from playing basketball but she was adamant and continued until she made up her own mind that it was not her "talent". I have learned so much as a grandparent that I wish I knew as a parent. I guess I am like the Abuela...except as a parent I looked at friends and their children, who had special talents like music etc and wished that my child would do something with music rather than signing with a modeling agency, which actually taught her a lot about rejection and not to take rejection personally, which was a good life lesson to learn as a teenager in a very competitive business.

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Such an interesting topic! My kids dabble in a lot of interests but do not excel at anything in particular. My sixth grader loves to read and probably read over 300 books last year but reading is just…a hobby? I feel like there’s not much to do but enjoy it :) my younger daughter is in third grade and has done almost every sport available to try and also loves arts and crafts and actually seems to thrive on having downtime to enjoy these things. I encourage my kids to enjoy doing things just for the sake of doing them, not excellence. If my kids wanted to pursue things (like my neighbor is a fourth grader who loves soccer and does drills endlessly on his own to improve without any coaxing or pressure from his parents) I would support that as best as I could. For now I don’t mind not spending weekends traveling to sporting events and having some evening time after school to just hang out. I actually wish we saw more entry level activities for things like sports for kids, it often seems by 5th or 6th grade if you haven’t been doing it for years you’re “too old” to be a beginner and I wish that mentality would change.

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I think that each family and each child is different. I think it is more than okay to let a kid have a "thing" that is more recreational that achievement-oriented. I am president of a figure skating club and I have seen parents push to the point that kids are miserable and/or they just don't want to participate any more. My daughter is 14 and she has a couple of things that she has been involved in for many years, which are figure skating and training assistance dogs. With figure skating (she's not a competitive skater, but has taken a couple of U.S. Figure Skating tests), my husband and I have always followed our daughter's lead and have included her in the decisions of how many lessons a week and how often she wants to skate. We've let her take time off when she hasn't been motivated and we've let her come back to it when she was ready. She is also someone who does not do well when she has something she has to do every day after school. The interesting thing with my daughter is that she is now getting to the point that she is starting to want to help run skating club events instead of participating in them.

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Jan 14, 2022·edited Jan 14, 2022

I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" way. Just every family is different. I grew up in the middle of nowhere, went to a teeny school with barely any options. I am sad for young me sometimes when I see all my kids' opportunities growing up. I just wanted my boys to be active, social, and have the experience of trying different things. Once they got to middle school, they loved cross country, track, and percussion. One fell in love with Theatre and asked for guitar lessons. We did lessons for a couple of years. But it was his love for playing that led him to find and practice music not assigned in lessons and play along with recordings. I finally said we needed to quit lessons as he was learning more on his own. He is amazing now and he did that on his own, not because of a teacher or parent pushing him. He'll always have guitar for himself. Another fell in love playing golf with his dad. They both eventually decided they were done with percussion. The youngest went all-in on Theatre. Injury curtailed track for one but led to falling in love with cycling. He was obsessed and in amazing shape. He did a city-wide race and came in first for his age group. Now he's in college and is completely focused on classes and friends, he switched to the gym since he doesn't have time to run. Time and interests change. I am grateful once he is out in the adult world he'll have some options of "hobbies" he can pick back up - running, cycling, golf. I feel like adults have no idea how to have "free time" and just spend it scrolling! (me included!) My younger is graduating this spring and the last theatre show will be sad! Who knows maybe he'll do community theater in his adulthood. But as a very little kid, he became obsessed with airplanes. I bought him every toy plane, book, and computer simulator on planes he could find. Something I couldn't understand but he loved. He will be starting flying lessons next week and is accepted into a Professional Flight major for next fall. I may have a commercial pilot someday all because I supported what he was interested in - like your childhood theater leading into the career you gravitated to. I would say support whatever they are interested in, to whatever level they are interested in. You will end up with well-rounded adults who have had a lot of experiences that may lead to hobbies or careers!

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More than having a “thing” I think my husband and I want to see our kids really *interested* in something. My son has Scouts and violin/fiddle - but for both of these activities he should be practicing and/or planning to advance and he doesn’t. (They don’t have to be exceptional to stay on a path to incremental improvement.) On the other hand, he will easily spend an entire weekend working on a coding project so he can figure out some kind of gaming element. (Gravity, lighting, leaderboard, etc). It drives us a bit mad that he’s on his computer for hours, but he’s very motivated to puzzle out these problems and add skills/knowledge. My daughter takes music lessons too, but she only seems to be interested in watching you tube. Her interest still hasn’t revealed itself, but I believe it will in time. The goal is to have a hobby they feel good doing, and you can’t force that.

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This is something I’ve questioned over and over. I had parents who never pushed. They allowed us to explore different things and move on if we got bored. I always regretted that they didn’t push for me to make a commitment to piano or dance or sports. (Money was a factor for us.) And what’s funny is I would talk to a fellow sports mom who was the exact opposite. She let her kids move from thing to thing because she resented that her mother pushed her.

The only thing I required for my kids is that I wanted them in an art and a sport/physical activity. They have 2 parents who are overweight and normalizing activity was very important to us. Art (music) they got in school. For sports, they both moved from gymnastics to soccer to swim. Swim is what stuck, even though my son wasn’t as committed as his sister. But when he wavered, we would discuss with him alternatives. We also tried to identify why he wanted to change. A big saying in our house was “We didn’t say it would be easy, we said it would be worth it.” And when he would excel and have a great swim or win a race, we would highlight that the hard work got him to this fun part. Ultimately, though, he quit in his junior year. He was old enough to make those kinds of decisions and we trusted it was right for him. But then again, the pandemic changed a lot for us. And I do regret not allowing my kids to just be kids with nothing to do after school.

Your life is very different. Your kids are exposed to so much through your work. They appear happy and healthy and active. You never know what may spark for them, even if it takes to college for it to happen. My lesson was understanding that my children don’t have to be more successful than me/us. Would it be cool to have a kid in the Olympics? Sure. But I’ve seen the toll it takes on a family. Even just getting involved in “club sports” is extremely stressful on a family. The girls will let you know when they need more. Who knows, maybe moving into a community with friends closer will spur them to get more involved in the activities their friends are.

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Growing up I didn’t know many kids who had a “thing”. I didn’t expect my kids to have a “thing” either. My daughter wants to try everything. She’s only 9 and so far not super skilled at any of them, but enjoys them and improves. I’ve had to limit it to what I can afford and have time for. If she gets pushed or “encouraged” too much she doesn’t like that activity anymore. I guess it’s possible that she’d pick one of the things she does as her “thing”, but I have to admit I think it’s more likely she’ll eventually stop doing them when they’re not as fun or interesting to her anymore. I don’t really get why people need a “thing” when they are changing and evolving all the time? Is it a cultural idea, I wonder ? I don’t understand the pursuit of excellence in extra curricular activities when they are mostly left behind After the school years anyway. I did enjoy the film a lot (great songs!) and appreciated the plot of the pressure felt by the children to live up to their gifts.

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This is so interesting to me. My son dabbles in a bit of everything, with enthusiasm and minimum skill. He’s happy and enthused for baseball even if he is the bottom of the line up, but def not going pro. My younger daughter however has her thing in dance and excels at it, can’t wait until she is old enough to do company, etc. So i think the fact she has her thing makes me worry something is lacking for our son when really, he’s happy to try a bit of everything. My husband was a college athlete who came to hate his sport, so hardly an endorsement for excelling, and I did not excel at any hobby, so I often have to remind him that our kids can just be, not be a _____ . I think it’s harder though when one kid has chosen something and is so in love with it to balance with the one who is just a casual hobbyist.

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My biggest requirement for extra curricular activities is that they take some sort of music lesson and do an activity that moves their bodies. For music, we enrolled both girls in piano lessons starting in 1st grade and thankfully, they love it and are willing to practice. My oldest is in middle school and had the option to do band instead, but she chose to stick with the piano. Now that they have a good foundation in musical theory, I'd let them switch to whatever instrument they want as long as they do something musical. Am I raising piano prodigies? Definitely not. If they don't want to perform in front of people? Totally fine with me.

My kids have never been interested in organized sports, and I tried enrolling them in things like ballet, gymnastics, etc but nothing really stuck. I decided I wasn't going to push it and let them figure it out. We discovered they loved things like monkey bars and balance beams, so we now are doing Ninja Fitness. It's been so good for their bodies and they are getting so strong.

I'm also cognizant of the fact that I don't want to over-schedule them for a bunch of activities that are a huge time commitment, because ultimately I don't want them stressed out. So I'm not pushing them to join the competitive Ninja Team or take on other activities. I also couldn't care less if they achieve a certain level of excellence on something. What's important to me is that they continue to improve their skills and enjoy it.

Conversely, my husband would love for them to learn instruments that interest him, like guitar, drums, etc. I've been actively resisting him on that because it's not something they've ever said they want to learn. He also felt like we should have enrolled them in soccer or other sports because it's what we did as kids and it would be good for them. But again, I knew they wouldn't like it and convinced him that spending every Saturday sitting in the rain forcing our kids to play soccer does not sound enjoyable.

So, I guess this is a long way of saying that your kids do have their "thing" and it's totally okay if it doesn't involve competitions or performances. What matters is that you're raising independent and well rounded young women who have a variety of interests.

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Personally, I hate being busy all the time. My husband and I both like being home and struggle when we have things going on every night. Because of this, we limit activities to 1 or 2 per week. Right now my daughter is doing gymnastics and skating lessons. She's really good at gymnastics and I can envision her going far, but she has zero interest in competing. She told me the other day that she wants to keep going as far as she can with the developmental lessons but will stop when team/competition is her only option. There are other things she wants to try and I support that.

I'm a person who doesn't have a "thing". In school I played volleyball, basketball, and lacrosse for brief periods and am just okay at them. Music was always more my thing and I was in band from 4th through 11th grades. I decided to quit my senior year because it's wasn't exciting anymore (and I hated practicing) and there were other classes I wanted to take. Instead I took a cooking class and it was so much fun. I made new friends and have so many great memories. Even as an adult I don't have a single hobby. There are a lot of things I enjoy doing, but I'm not amazing at any of them and don't really do anything consistently. I have wished that there was one thing I am really good at, but have recently realized that I like knowing about a wide variety of things. It keeps things interesting.

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This resonates with me as we were watching this movie and I thought about that dance between being encouraging/putting too much pressure. My boys have been taking music lessons since they were about 7 (now 10 and 13) and I have this image in mind of having a Broadway kid or a music virtuoso, but they were never really the competitive type. They have stopped going to Karate even though one just got his black belt because it’s just been such an incessant fight to get them to go, and my husband and I have come to the point where, well is this what the kids really want or are we projecting what we wanted for ourselves when we were kids? It’s such a fine line though because (if/when) you are in a spot to support them in whichever way you’re able to, it then becomes a question of when does it get too much.

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My mom forced me to join swim team when I was 10. I hated it with a passion but she would not let me quit. It was frustrating and painful. So I decided not to sign my kids up for anything until the were able to tell me what they wanted to do. My oldest now plays the string bass(the biggest string instrument), piano and clarinet. I would never had thought I had a musical kid and I am so glad she made the choice herself because we don't even fight with her to practice (most of the time anyways, I mean she is 12 lol)

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I used to struggle with this but realized a while ago that ultimately it’s up to each person to do what they feel is right for them. Kids will let you know in one way or another what they want to do. My two older ones are in college and neither one of them is continuing with their “casual” passions of dancing and robotics and it’s ok. I know so many of their friends who were pushed into one sport or another by their parents and hated every minute of it and only did it to please their parents. Very few of them actually enjoyed it and want to pursue it past Middle/ high school. I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way - it just depends on the person.

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When I was your daughters ages, my mom signed me up for dancing and piano lessons. I was also on sports teams at my school. I hated piano lessons and my mom reluctantly stopped taking me to piano lessons. I tolerated the dancing lessons because we did a lot of performance all over the city. And that was fun. But it wasn't anything I was passionate about. My thing was sports. I was on the basketball, volleyball, softball and bowling teams. And my mom was fine with that. I don't think parents should force children to take on activities they don't want to do. As you said, support their interests. And let me say one more time, I HATED piano lessons.

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Jan 13, 2022·edited Jan 13, 2022

I struggle with this daily for my 11 year old. I vividly remember when I was pregnant with her and when she was an infant, daydreaming and wondering what she would be like, what she would be interested in, what she would be good at! And what would be her “thing”. In trying to find her thing, I think we’ve lost some of the simpleness I had as a child, doing nothing and being content. We race from one practice to the other, this class to that and never seem to have time together even tho we’re always together. While she enjoys all her activities, I sometimes wonder who it’s really for. Thanks for making me think.

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My kids are not competitive. My daughter tried soccer in high school, but only lasted a year because she didn't want to play every day to keep up with others. This year she's trying fencing, but just wants to practice, doesn't care if she competes. I'm trying to encourage without pressure. I'm also immensely happy that they aren't unbelievably over scheduled!!!

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