I have a lump in my throat that won’t go away. I’m trying to get both my kids ready for camp and give them a good family day before they leave this weekend and I can’t focus. The lump is there distracting me. I’m currently locked in my room trying to organize my thoughts. My anger. “I just need a moment!!!” I found myself yelling like a crazy person through the door. As if “a moment” would solve something.

I started looking through my photos trying to figure out what to post about the overturning of Roe v. Wade (as one does when they have a large Instagram following of women who care passionately about their rights) and this old pic of Mazzy stopped me. Not because of the hope I thought it portrayed at the time, but because it’s so sad.

“Nevertheless.” The sentiment feels trite now. It’s like Seinfeld’s “yada yada yada” where the whole joke is that it glosses over something horrific. “Nevertheless” is that women’s rights just got stolen. Seeing little Mazzy standing under that sign makes me feel like I’ve been lying to my girls all these years about what this country is about. Telling them they can do and be anything, when people at the highest levels of our government are actively working to stack the odds against them. When I took that pic, I should have thought more about the small words on the bottom: HOLD TIGHT. I read them literally at the time, but now I see what happens to women and girls when our grip loosens.

Today, I’m thinking about all the men that used political strategy to shape this new era of the United States. Paul Weyrich who founded the Heritage Foundation and the Moral Majority based on his belief that abortion was a better strategy than racism to mobilize Evangelicals to vote for Reagan. Karl Rove who decided to use abortion as a swing issue to get conservatives to the polls to vote for Bush. Mitch McConnell who blocked Obama’s pick for the Supreme Court so that Trump could have three. Donald Trump who courted the religious right even though he could give a shit about the Bible, because he knew it would help him win. None of these men care about babies. They care about money and power.

I’m sorry for all the pro-life women out there with real beliefs who can’t see how you are being used. But today, my heart is breaking alongside all the women out there who see what’s happening clearly.

We saw it in 2016 when Trump was elected. We all cried like someone we loved had died and all the men (even the good ones) said we were being dramatic.

No. We were lucid and clear. We knew.

They dismiss us because they feel threatened. Why else would they have to play so dirty to strip away our rights?

It is a dark day.

The good news is that there are states where abortion will still be legal and an army of women who will help those who need it. Let the women around you know that you will be part of that army. I told Mazzy today that if ever she or a friend is in a situation, come to me and I will help. She said, “Mom. I’m in 8th grade.” I said, “You won’t need it now and maybe you won’t ever need it for yourself, but store this in the back of your brain for later. I will help you.”

“It will probably be fixed by then,” she said.

“I hope you are right.”

HOLD TIGHT.

Apparently is a newsletter by Ilana Wiles with free and paid subscribers. Paying subscribers get access to my “close friends” group on Instagram and my “Big Kid Support Group” which, so far, includes discussions on puberty, cell phones rules, gender identity, body image and online privacy. Click below to subscribe or upgrade your subscription!

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