Fleishman is in Trouble is about a lot of things. It’s about marriage, motherhood, aging, career, wealth, work life balance, urban living vs the suburbs, Judaism, Manhattan… but mainly it’s about middle age. It’s about that moment in time when you realize all of your life choices have set you on a particular path and you can never go back. You can blow it all up, but even then, you have to deal with the consequences of your first round of choices. It’s about realizing that your life didn’t quite turn out how you thought it would and giving up on the dreams of your youth. It’s about time running out. It’s why all the characters keep asking themselves, “How did I get here?” It’s why Toby’s divorce seems exciting to Libby, not because she has problems with her husband, but because it represents unknown possibilities. Do you want excitement or stability? Do you need to risk losing everything to realize how good you have it? Do you have ENOUGH?
I appreciate Fleischman for showing the complexity of grief during a divorce. It was so raw and real of how many emotions you go through. I appreciated seeing how the time affected their work / employers as well. I am a Human Resources professional and even as an HR professional through my divorce and co-parenting struggles I delt with times that my work performance suffered because I was dealing with severe depression and anxiety. Seeing Toby lose a promotion and Rachel's mental help crisis helped heal a part of me that felt a lot of shame that I was a "bad" employee during that time in my life. Even as an HR professional I didn't know how or what to ask for as far as assistance to get support. Fleischman made me feel far less alone.
Fleishman affected me a lot and I resonate with a lot of what you say here. I found the Rachel episode profound and Claire Danes should win an Emmy. And while there were so many parts of that episode that touched me, there is one scene in particular I keep going back to. When Rachel goes back to her actress client after her breakdown and her client had moved on to another agency. Like come on - Rachel just needed a break!!! It was heartbreaking. But also, Obviously her client had to move on. It felt like a mirror in my face - like you can’t get a break, you don’t get a break.
With that said, my (male) colleague and I were reminiscing about the show and he said to me “I don’t fully know what you’re like at home, but I think you balance work and family better than anyone I know.” And that statement meant more to me than any promotion or raise or work accolade. I’m sure that’s true of a ton of woman (esp woman on this site), so if this show is helping men appreciate that, then cheers.
Ok, I finally finished all 8 episodes, and I’ve been thinking about it A LOT. I was so annoyed by you, Ilana, when I first read your article about the show, and I was only 2 episodes in…”To be clear, I don’t think Rachel is a bad mom”…..and I was hissing at the screen “what are you talking about?? She’s a HORRIBLE mom!”. And then I kept watching and things changed. I still don’t think she was a good mom, but I think she mistook “a good life” for the life her family actually wanted, and I don’t think she ever got a chance to get it right. I also think she lost track of who she was, and that she mis-marketed herself to Toby. She thought of Toby as someone she could be herself with, but then blamed him for not accepting her for who she was, when she did a 180.
I think Toby is honest when he underlines how little money matters to him, and I also think he would have been perfectly happy sending the kids to public school and live in their old apartment. You can’t expect a person to be appreciative of a life he never wanted or asked for. And Toby can’t expect the person he married to remain the same for all eternity. Toby lets Rachel have her way in all major decisions in their life but then throws them in her face, when he hates the outcome. That’s not fair.
I’ve lived in New York since 2014,since we moved here from Denmark. I mention this, because there’s a very distinct cultural difference between the two places, that influence my feelings about this show.
In Denmark, we have something called Law of Jante. It’s comparable to Law of Murphy, only Law of Jante is the outline for the egalitarian culture in many Scandinavian countries:
Don’t think you’re more important than other people
Don’t think you’re worth more than other people
Etc.
It’s essentially - don’t be extra and don’t bite off more than you can chew.
This is what we grew up with, and that’s why I’m so uncomfortable with the extreme striving culture portayed in Fleishman. But after having lived here for 9 years I get that you have to fight and you have to reach for the impossible in order to get anywhere in this city, the competition is fierce, living is expensive (as in ridiculously expensive, especially if you have kids). My husband and I always tell each other after a birthday, a dinner, a charity whatever - there will always be someone with a nicer apartment, a bigger car and with better connections than us. You can’t win the race.
Rachel can’t see it that way, because of the way she grew up. She lost her mom, she was raised by a grandmother who was unable to be the parent figure she needed, for whatever reason, and she never felt like she fit in. She wasn’t taught the difference between being recognised for your efforts and being recognised for your succes/money.
I hated how Toby was diminished for his job by everyone (“good for you”), I mean, he was the only one out there actually saving (or trying to) lives. I also hated the way Rachel’s friends were all portrayed as “shallow stupid rich New Yorkers”. This is all for ease of comparrison obviously, but come on - it seemed a bit too easy.
With that being said - I loved the show, because it made me think. It made me think about my choice to be a stay at home mom (“was it ever a choice?”, as Libby asks herself). It made me think about my husband’s choices in life and it made me think about the way my New Yorker friends were brought up. It also made me think about the way kids and parenting are perceived in New York vs Denmark and it made me think about the doctors/how births are treated in NY and finally how stay at home moms vs working moms are perceived in NY.
To start with the mom-thing. I hated the conversation between Rachel and her stay at home mom-friends, where she said the sentence expected of her - “It’s the hardest job out there”, while she was thinking “NO IT’S NOT, it’s basic math - having two jobs is harder!” But….her friends weren’t treating parenting as a job, were they? They were moving their kids around like chess pieces, grooming them to take over their parents’ lives. And Rachel wasn’t really treating parenting as a job either, she certainly wasn’t putting the same effort into the parenting job as she was in her paid job.
How hard you percieve the job as a stay at home parent certainly depends on how you do it and what your ambitions for your kids are. It also depends on your personality and what you’re comfortable with. Because being a stay at home mom can be a necessity for a shorter amount of time/for life, it can be lonely AF, it can be boring and it can be intellectually challenging. It can also be frustrating, looked-down-upon, bad hours with zero pay checks and very often you find yourself in situations where you have to defend your choice to be a stay at home parent. It’s humiliating and ridiculous.
But we all see it all the time - women and men struggling with their choices in life and how to make peace with our choices, because they’re the right choices for us. Even if other people question/ridicule/challenge our choice. It really is (as the saying goes) more of a you-problem than a me-problem. People project their shit on you, their own insecurities, their own choice-struggles and their own frustration. Make your own choice, own it and if it’s not working out for you, then change it. Don’t give other people shit because you’re not comfortable in your own life. Damn it!
The money thing…There’s a gigantic leap from the richest rich and the average New Yorker in the city. The leap creates the striving mentality and the striving mentality creates the unhealthy mentality of “you are what you have”. However, the leap also creates competition, ambition and progress.Striving is an 8-headed beast that needs to be controlled.
On a different note - It’s mindblowing to me how predominant this mentality is 45 minutes away from where I live. The difference between Upper Manhattan and Lower Manhattan is unreal.
The way kids and the art of parenting are perceived in Denmark is very different from what I’ve seen in New York.
Parents in Denmark flex by dropping off their kids late and picking them up early, to make time for cooking together, discussing their day at school and educate them in conflict-management in the recess yard. Parents in New York don’t have that luxury, because working hours are not as flexible and there’s a greater focus on parents needing to make time for themselves too. In Denmark the focus is on cultivating the kids’ mind, In New York the focus is on cultivating the childrens’ way into the right schools. I’m not saying one is better than the other, and I’m not saying it’s always possible to choose, but I do wish that kids had a say in the matter. Can we please relax our own ambitions a bit and check in with our kids what they want?
The scene from the hospital was awful. Just painful and awful. Also, I have absolutely no doubt that it happens to different degrees every day. When I had my first son, I battled with my OB-GYN from week 10 to week 41 over how I wanted the birth to be. When I handed my birth plan to a doctor, she shrugged, folded it and put it in her pocket while saying “Probably best not to get too hung up on a plan, because it’s really not up to you”. I had put things like “do not circumsize”, “don’t give him a bath” and “Please let me have skin-on-skin-time with my child as soon as possible” on it. My OB-GYN wanted me to have a c-section right off the bat, because my son was meassuring large, not critically large, just above the average-large. I consulted with doctors in Denmark, who gave me ammunition for my talks with her, and I researched the crap out of how to communicate with a doctor in New York. I was stressed out of my mind and when I caved and let her induce me, I was so tensed-up, that I was in labor for much too long without any results. I was so clamped up that it took two epidurals before it took. When I finally hit the pushing fase, I was instructed to be quiet and focus on pushing. And when that didn’t work, she insisted on a c-section. I didn’t want the c-section but there was no way that I could push the baby out after 3 days in labor, stressed out of my mind. I learned that not only are doctors more inclined to push for a c-section because it’s less complicated for them (fewer unknowns), it also pays better in regards to insurance coverage. That really infuriated me. That scene in Fleishman is so extremely important and Claire Danes plays it excrutiatingly well. I was a bawling mess when I got to the scene when she finally lets her emotions go in the group. Ingenious writing to have her crash a group for victims of rape, because she was certainly taken advatage of.
Finally, I adored the video during credits. God, I needed that laugh, after crying for two solid episodes!
It’s interesting to hear you say you feel like you’ve chosen to stay in Manhattan and work hard to keep up. Please believe me when I say I don’t mean this to sound offensive, but I’m also an NYC mom: I was born and raised in Queens and still live here, in an apartment where my 10-year-old is in a teeny bedroom with doors that open both to the living room and the kitchen because his bedroom really wasn’t meant to be a bedroom. He goes to our local public school. We’re lifelong renters. We don’t have a house in the Hamptons. We’ve played the “what if we moved to the suburbs” game but unless we moved out of the area completely we could never afford any kind of house. I’m reasonably sure that what you pay in tuition is more than I make in a year. We’re both NYC moms but we’re in completely different stratospheres when it comes to what we consider “comfortable” (and both of us are a LOT more comfortable than many, many other NYC moms!). It’s interesting to me (and maybe actually a little comforting?) to know that it probably never feels like enough.
I have to say, I was a crying mess in episode 7. A crying, weeping mess. I identified so much with Rachael. Having my first was one degree less dramatic than hers, but quite close. I, with the benefit of hindsight, realize I was deep in PPD. It was so hard for me to bond with my baby…Let’s just say, it brought me back to those days and it took me by surprise how upset I became.
I’m fortunate that I have a husband that supports my career, I’m also the breadwinner in our family, but seeing how unsupportive Toby was reminded me so much of the power imbalance in my own family growing up and how my dad always took all my mom did for our family for granted as a stay-at-home mom. It was seeing that what led me to never want that life for myself. Sometimes that leads me to extreme guilt regarding my mothering and being present.
In the last episode when Libby is describing her frustration with the choices she’s made resonated with me. I finished the show yesterday, and I’m still in an introspective mode regarding my own choices, and examining my own life.
I really liked the show and could relate with the sometimes unspoken midlife crisis aspect. What bothered me was that no one looked or tried to help Rachel - not Toby, not her employees, not her ‘friends’ when they found her in the park, not her doorman. Can someone really go missing for weeks without anyone really caring. But maybe that was the point. She had isolated herself from the real world and no one noticed or cared when she was gone.
And why was Toby so distraught over Rachel’s affair when he was sleeping with half of the eligible women on the upper east side!
I was thinking of you (Ilana) and your “crisis” you had of if you should stay in your first apartment or not. I grew up in SoCA with LA being a focal point of a lot of shows/movies, but not the actual town I lived in. I figured this story would seem that that more personal to you cause it’s so quintessentially Manhattan. I guess I identify with Adam cause I am who I’ve always wanted to be, a SAHM. I wish I could’ve started motherhood earlier, so I could be a younger mom, but, such is life.
I guess I didn’t really view Toby as a dick for most of the show, which probably explains how surprised I was that he didn’t go to Rachel after Libby told him of the breakdown. They had a terrible, horrible lack of communication and they were too far gone by the time they got to therapy.
I loved how Toby handled his daughters situation at camp and his sons issue on the computer - so loving and kind. (I also laughed to myself about how easily he got his kid into that camp at the last minute, knowing from your camp info that it’s probably not possible.)
I left a high paying job I LOVED in finance, because when I got back to work, I knew it wasn't going to be easy to be a "mom" in that office. No one else had kids in the trading desk, except for the men, and they had their wives stay at home. The first day I returned to work, my boss said I could use his room to pump, but after 5 minutes I could see their feet pacing back & forth from the frosted glass wall. I knew I wanted to spend more time with my baby as I had a baby at 44yrs, so I just handed in my retirement. I wish I didn't have to make that choice.
I really enjoyed Fleischman is in trouble, but what really stood out for me was how the world has changed in so many ways with social media. It is so accessible and makes people so miserable, comparing their lives to everyone’s highlight reel. Also the ease of dating with apps was so weird! That wasn’t a thing when I was younger and it’s crazy how easy it is to get sex when you want it with no strings attached! I also came to the realization and this was BIG - that you can’t do everything you might have liked to do in your life. You pick a life, and with that brings some sacrifices of some things you might have liked to have done. Some people feel bad about this, but truthfully, no one can “do it all”. There are always some sacrifices when you choose a life. For true happiness, You need to water the garden you’ve created. I related to Toby in that he didn’t love being forced to socialize with arrogant, wealthy, better than thou types of entitled people. It made him feel small and he just didn’t like their values. I felt that the writer was giving wealthy, entitled people an absolute FU. There are a lot of people like this out there and I enjoyed how they portrayed it because it felt very real. Overall I loved the way the author weaved the story, and how it all comes back to human connection and realization. It was very well crafted and thought provoking!
I teach high school and a few years ago many of the kids were reading John Green novels. I picked up "Waiting for Alaska" to try and connect with the students, and I immediately realized that this form of entertainment was not for me. I was a late 30s mom reading about angsty teens not being able to figure out their lives and all I wanted to say was find an adult who can help you with this! At 16,this kind of story speaks to the heart, much less so in midlife.
With that, I'm now a 42 year old suburban mom of two who felt the same way watching this show. STOP IT! I had the nightmare mid-life crash in my life, my husband passed away two years ago. I get grief, and asking why me, and juggling kids. I just felt like all the characters needed to consider both themselves as well as the occasional person in their circle. Stop lying to the kids, stop never asking anyone else how they are doing, stop trying to fill holes with superficial relationships.
Maybe it's because I've always been a suburbanite, maybe it's because I've always had to work, maybe it's because I recognize that my children are grieving and adjusting, or maybe it's because I've been in weekly therapy for the past two years, my oxygen mask is on, as securely as possible.
I had empathy for Rachel to be sure, but I feel like while it's fair game to ask the question "how did I get here?" How you deal with the answer is most important. We're all connected to others, and it felt disingenuous for so many of the characters to act as though they were not.
Your reflection on this show was so well-written and thoughtful--thank you! I related deeply to parts of this show and not to others. I'm also in my late 40s so the stage of life hit so close to home, and all those issues to ponder about the way that choices dwindle over time and you are sometimes left wondering "how did I get here" and "is this what I want?" After a bumpy time in my twenties where I made a TON of life mistakes, burned through a lot of relationships, chose the wrong career (advertising too!), etc....my life ever since has been repairing and course correcting from that. I live an ordinary life as a working mom in the suburbs of a midwestern city and I'm so satisfied with this life, perhaps because I did so much questioning and fucking it all up early on. My 20-something self wouldn't approve of the life I have now, but I outgrew that perspective on the world. It was hard to see Libby be so disdainful of her fellow suburbanites and it felt immature to me, but of course another part of me completely understood and related to that feeling of perceiving oneself to be somehow better than the other women around you. Our society is so disdainful of any choice women make, because we live in a patriarchy suffused with misogyny! There's no winning! Of course women wind up like Libby and Rachel, trying so hard to earn that respect that is always also out of reach to them.
1. The Jewish reunion party. How instantly connected it feels to be with your people even when time has passed. Going back in time to the people you knew before you have responsibilities.
2. Libby trying to have deeper conversations with new friends and not getting past talking about kids and dinner. It’s been 10 years since I moved from San Francisco and I miss my city friends.
3. You’ll only be as young as you are in this moment of time. Getting closer to 50 (!!) and this hit me because it feels like a much bigger shift than turning 30 or 40.
I haven’t watched it yet, but I can tell that I definitely need to! I’m mid 40s, married, SAHM and live in NY. Will I have a midlife crisis after watching it though? Because I really can’t fit that into my calendar:-)
Also, the article in the Cut made me wonder if the anonymous woman in the lede was you, Ilana. Save for her living in Brooklyn instead of Tribeca (and maybe the age — I don’t know your exact age), the salient details were correct. You are my only connection to the NYC family life. I’d like to think you are doing it right.
We watching three episodes and gave up on it, but this article, plus my husband saying he heard the whole thing changes about five episodes in, makes me want to return to it. The only thing I have in common with Rachel and Toby is being Jewish (and a family member named Toby - my 5yo son). Otherwise I live in Louisiana and don’t feel these exact kinds of pressure. But I bet there will still be things I vastly relate to. Thanks for inspiring me to keep watching.
I appreciate Fleischman for showing the complexity of grief during a divorce. It was so raw and real of how many emotions you go through. I appreciated seeing how the time affected their work / employers as well. I am a Human Resources professional and even as an HR professional through my divorce and co-parenting struggles I delt with times that my work performance suffered because I was dealing with severe depression and anxiety. Seeing Toby lose a promotion and Rachel's mental help crisis helped heal a part of me that felt a lot of shame that I was a "bad" employee during that time in my life. Even as an HR professional I didn't know how or what to ask for as far as assistance to get support. Fleischman made me feel far less alone.
Fleishman affected me a lot and I resonate with a lot of what you say here. I found the Rachel episode profound and Claire Danes should win an Emmy. And while there were so many parts of that episode that touched me, there is one scene in particular I keep going back to. When Rachel goes back to her actress client after her breakdown and her client had moved on to another agency. Like come on - Rachel just needed a break!!! It was heartbreaking. But also, Obviously her client had to move on. It felt like a mirror in my face - like you can’t get a break, you don’t get a break.
With that said, my (male) colleague and I were reminiscing about the show and he said to me “I don’t fully know what you’re like at home, but I think you balance work and family better than anyone I know.” And that statement meant more to me than any promotion or raise or work accolade. I’m sure that’s true of a ton of woman (esp woman on this site), so if this show is helping men appreciate that, then cheers.
Ok, I finally finished all 8 episodes, and I’ve been thinking about it A LOT. I was so annoyed by you, Ilana, when I first read your article about the show, and I was only 2 episodes in…”To be clear, I don’t think Rachel is a bad mom”…..and I was hissing at the screen “what are you talking about?? She’s a HORRIBLE mom!”. And then I kept watching and things changed. I still don’t think she was a good mom, but I think she mistook “a good life” for the life her family actually wanted, and I don’t think she ever got a chance to get it right. I also think she lost track of who she was, and that she mis-marketed herself to Toby. She thought of Toby as someone she could be herself with, but then blamed him for not accepting her for who she was, when she did a 180.
I think Toby is honest when he underlines how little money matters to him, and I also think he would have been perfectly happy sending the kids to public school and live in their old apartment. You can’t expect a person to be appreciative of a life he never wanted or asked for. And Toby can’t expect the person he married to remain the same for all eternity. Toby lets Rachel have her way in all major decisions in their life but then throws them in her face, when he hates the outcome. That’s not fair.
I’ve lived in New York since 2014,since we moved here from Denmark. I mention this, because there’s a very distinct cultural difference between the two places, that influence my feelings about this show.
In Denmark, we have something called Law of Jante. It’s comparable to Law of Murphy, only Law of Jante is the outline for the egalitarian culture in many Scandinavian countries:
Don’t think you’re more important than other people
Don’t think you’re worth more than other people
Etc.
It’s essentially - don’t be extra and don’t bite off more than you can chew.
This is what we grew up with, and that’s why I’m so uncomfortable with the extreme striving culture portayed in Fleishman. But after having lived here for 9 years I get that you have to fight and you have to reach for the impossible in order to get anywhere in this city, the competition is fierce, living is expensive (as in ridiculously expensive, especially if you have kids). My husband and I always tell each other after a birthday, a dinner, a charity whatever - there will always be someone with a nicer apartment, a bigger car and with better connections than us. You can’t win the race.
Rachel can’t see it that way, because of the way she grew up. She lost her mom, she was raised by a grandmother who was unable to be the parent figure she needed, for whatever reason, and she never felt like she fit in. She wasn’t taught the difference between being recognised for your efforts and being recognised for your succes/money.
I hated how Toby was diminished for his job by everyone (“good for you”), I mean, he was the only one out there actually saving (or trying to) lives. I also hated the way Rachel’s friends were all portrayed as “shallow stupid rich New Yorkers”. This is all for ease of comparrison obviously, but come on - it seemed a bit too easy.
With that being said - I loved the show, because it made me think. It made me think about my choice to be a stay at home mom (“was it ever a choice?”, as Libby asks herself). It made me think about my husband’s choices in life and it made me think about the way my New Yorker friends were brought up. It also made me think about the way kids and parenting are perceived in New York vs Denmark and it made me think about the doctors/how births are treated in NY and finally how stay at home moms vs working moms are perceived in NY.
To start with the mom-thing. I hated the conversation between Rachel and her stay at home mom-friends, where she said the sentence expected of her - “It’s the hardest job out there”, while she was thinking “NO IT’S NOT, it’s basic math - having two jobs is harder!” But….her friends weren’t treating parenting as a job, were they? They were moving their kids around like chess pieces, grooming them to take over their parents’ lives. And Rachel wasn’t really treating parenting as a job either, she certainly wasn’t putting the same effort into the parenting job as she was in her paid job.
How hard you percieve the job as a stay at home parent certainly depends on how you do it and what your ambitions for your kids are. It also depends on your personality and what you’re comfortable with. Because being a stay at home mom can be a necessity for a shorter amount of time/for life, it can be lonely AF, it can be boring and it can be intellectually challenging. It can also be frustrating, looked-down-upon, bad hours with zero pay checks and very often you find yourself in situations where you have to defend your choice to be a stay at home parent. It’s humiliating and ridiculous.
But we all see it all the time - women and men struggling with their choices in life and how to make peace with our choices, because they’re the right choices for us. Even if other people question/ridicule/challenge our choice. It really is (as the saying goes) more of a you-problem than a me-problem. People project their shit on you, their own insecurities, their own choice-struggles and their own frustration. Make your own choice, own it and if it’s not working out for you, then change it. Don’t give other people shit because you’re not comfortable in your own life. Damn it!
The money thing…There’s a gigantic leap from the richest rich and the average New Yorker in the city. The leap creates the striving mentality and the striving mentality creates the unhealthy mentality of “you are what you have”. However, the leap also creates competition, ambition and progress.Striving is an 8-headed beast that needs to be controlled.
On a different note - It’s mindblowing to me how predominant this mentality is 45 minutes away from where I live. The difference between Upper Manhattan and Lower Manhattan is unreal.
The way kids and the art of parenting are perceived in Denmark is very different from what I’ve seen in New York.
Parents in Denmark flex by dropping off their kids late and picking them up early, to make time for cooking together, discussing their day at school and educate them in conflict-management in the recess yard. Parents in New York don’t have that luxury, because working hours are not as flexible and there’s a greater focus on parents needing to make time for themselves too. In Denmark the focus is on cultivating the kids’ mind, In New York the focus is on cultivating the childrens’ way into the right schools. I’m not saying one is better than the other, and I’m not saying it’s always possible to choose, but I do wish that kids had a say in the matter. Can we please relax our own ambitions a bit and check in with our kids what they want?
The scene from the hospital was awful. Just painful and awful. Also, I have absolutely no doubt that it happens to different degrees every day. When I had my first son, I battled with my OB-GYN from week 10 to week 41 over how I wanted the birth to be. When I handed my birth plan to a doctor, she shrugged, folded it and put it in her pocket while saying “Probably best not to get too hung up on a plan, because it’s really not up to you”. I had put things like “do not circumsize”, “don’t give him a bath” and “Please let me have skin-on-skin-time with my child as soon as possible” on it. My OB-GYN wanted me to have a c-section right off the bat, because my son was meassuring large, not critically large, just above the average-large. I consulted with doctors in Denmark, who gave me ammunition for my talks with her, and I researched the crap out of how to communicate with a doctor in New York. I was stressed out of my mind and when I caved and let her induce me, I was so tensed-up, that I was in labor for much too long without any results. I was so clamped up that it took two epidurals before it took. When I finally hit the pushing fase, I was instructed to be quiet and focus on pushing. And when that didn’t work, she insisted on a c-section. I didn’t want the c-section but there was no way that I could push the baby out after 3 days in labor, stressed out of my mind. I learned that not only are doctors more inclined to push for a c-section because it’s less complicated for them (fewer unknowns), it also pays better in regards to insurance coverage. That really infuriated me. That scene in Fleishman is so extremely important and Claire Danes plays it excrutiatingly well. I was a bawling mess when I got to the scene when she finally lets her emotions go in the group. Ingenious writing to have her crash a group for victims of rape, because she was certainly taken advatage of.
Finally, I adored the video during credits. God, I needed that laugh, after crying for two solid episodes!
Thank you for the recommendation!
It’s interesting to hear you say you feel like you’ve chosen to stay in Manhattan and work hard to keep up. Please believe me when I say I don’t mean this to sound offensive, but I’m also an NYC mom: I was born and raised in Queens and still live here, in an apartment where my 10-year-old is in a teeny bedroom with doors that open both to the living room and the kitchen because his bedroom really wasn’t meant to be a bedroom. He goes to our local public school. We’re lifelong renters. We don’t have a house in the Hamptons. We’ve played the “what if we moved to the suburbs” game but unless we moved out of the area completely we could never afford any kind of house. I’m reasonably sure that what you pay in tuition is more than I make in a year. We’re both NYC moms but we’re in completely different stratospheres when it comes to what we consider “comfortable” (and both of us are a LOT more comfortable than many, many other NYC moms!). It’s interesting to me (and maybe actually a little comforting?) to know that it probably never feels like enough.
I have to say, I was a crying mess in episode 7. A crying, weeping mess. I identified so much with Rachael. Having my first was one degree less dramatic than hers, but quite close. I, with the benefit of hindsight, realize I was deep in PPD. It was so hard for me to bond with my baby…Let’s just say, it brought me back to those days and it took me by surprise how upset I became.
I’m fortunate that I have a husband that supports my career, I’m also the breadwinner in our family, but seeing how unsupportive Toby was reminded me so much of the power imbalance in my own family growing up and how my dad always took all my mom did for our family for granted as a stay-at-home mom. It was seeing that what led me to never want that life for myself. Sometimes that leads me to extreme guilt regarding my mothering and being present.
In the last episode when Libby is describing her frustration with the choices she’s made resonated with me. I finished the show yesterday, and I’m still in an introspective mode regarding my own choices, and examining my own life.
I really liked the show and could relate with the sometimes unspoken midlife crisis aspect. What bothered me was that no one looked or tried to help Rachel - not Toby, not her employees, not her ‘friends’ when they found her in the park, not her doorman. Can someone really go missing for weeks without anyone really caring. But maybe that was the point. She had isolated herself from the real world and no one noticed or cared when she was gone.
And why was Toby so distraught over Rachel’s affair when he was sleeping with half of the eligible women on the upper east side!
I was thinking of you (Ilana) and your “crisis” you had of if you should stay in your first apartment or not. I grew up in SoCA with LA being a focal point of a lot of shows/movies, but not the actual town I lived in. I figured this story would seem that that more personal to you cause it’s so quintessentially Manhattan. I guess I identify with Adam cause I am who I’ve always wanted to be, a SAHM. I wish I could’ve started motherhood earlier, so I could be a younger mom, but, such is life.
I guess I didn’t really view Toby as a dick for most of the show, which probably explains how surprised I was that he didn’t go to Rachel after Libby told him of the breakdown. They had a terrible, horrible lack of communication and they were too far gone by the time they got to therapy.
I loved how Toby handled his daughters situation at camp and his sons issue on the computer - so loving and kind. (I also laughed to myself about how easily he got his kid into that camp at the last minute, knowing from your camp info that it’s probably not possible.)
The show was sad, but I loved it.
I left a high paying job I LOVED in finance, because when I got back to work, I knew it wasn't going to be easy to be a "mom" in that office. No one else had kids in the trading desk, except for the men, and they had their wives stay at home. The first day I returned to work, my boss said I could use his room to pump, but after 5 minutes I could see their feet pacing back & forth from the frosted glass wall. I knew I wanted to spend more time with my baby as I had a baby at 44yrs, so I just handed in my retirement. I wish I didn't have to make that choice.
I really enjoyed Fleischman is in trouble, but what really stood out for me was how the world has changed in so many ways with social media. It is so accessible and makes people so miserable, comparing their lives to everyone’s highlight reel. Also the ease of dating with apps was so weird! That wasn’t a thing when I was younger and it’s crazy how easy it is to get sex when you want it with no strings attached! I also came to the realization and this was BIG - that you can’t do everything you might have liked to do in your life. You pick a life, and with that brings some sacrifices of some things you might have liked to have done. Some people feel bad about this, but truthfully, no one can “do it all”. There are always some sacrifices when you choose a life. For true happiness, You need to water the garden you’ve created. I related to Toby in that he didn’t love being forced to socialize with arrogant, wealthy, better than thou types of entitled people. It made him feel small and he just didn’t like their values. I felt that the writer was giving wealthy, entitled people an absolute FU. There are a lot of people like this out there and I enjoyed how they portrayed it because it felt very real. Overall I loved the way the author weaved the story, and how it all comes back to human connection and realization. It was very well crafted and thought provoking!
I teach high school and a few years ago many of the kids were reading John Green novels. I picked up "Waiting for Alaska" to try and connect with the students, and I immediately realized that this form of entertainment was not for me. I was a late 30s mom reading about angsty teens not being able to figure out their lives and all I wanted to say was find an adult who can help you with this! At 16,this kind of story speaks to the heart, much less so in midlife.
With that, I'm now a 42 year old suburban mom of two who felt the same way watching this show. STOP IT! I had the nightmare mid-life crash in my life, my husband passed away two years ago. I get grief, and asking why me, and juggling kids. I just felt like all the characters needed to consider both themselves as well as the occasional person in their circle. Stop lying to the kids, stop never asking anyone else how they are doing, stop trying to fill holes with superficial relationships.
Maybe it's because I've always been a suburbanite, maybe it's because I've always had to work, maybe it's because I recognize that my children are grieving and adjusting, or maybe it's because I've been in weekly therapy for the past two years, my oxygen mask is on, as securely as possible.
I had empathy for Rachel to be sure, but I feel like while it's fair game to ask the question "how did I get here?" How you deal with the answer is most important. We're all connected to others, and it felt disingenuous for so many of the characters to act as though they were not.
Your reflection on this show was so well-written and thoughtful--thank you! I related deeply to parts of this show and not to others. I'm also in my late 40s so the stage of life hit so close to home, and all those issues to ponder about the way that choices dwindle over time and you are sometimes left wondering "how did I get here" and "is this what I want?" After a bumpy time in my twenties where I made a TON of life mistakes, burned through a lot of relationships, chose the wrong career (advertising too!), etc....my life ever since has been repairing and course correcting from that. I live an ordinary life as a working mom in the suburbs of a midwestern city and I'm so satisfied with this life, perhaps because I did so much questioning and fucking it all up early on. My 20-something self wouldn't approve of the life I have now, but I outgrew that perspective on the world. It was hard to see Libby be so disdainful of her fellow suburbanites and it felt immature to me, but of course another part of me completely understood and related to that feeling of perceiving oneself to be somehow better than the other women around you. Our society is so disdainful of any choice women make, because we live in a patriarchy suffused with misogyny! There's no winning! Of course women wind up like Libby and Rachel, trying so hard to earn that respect that is always also out of reach to them.
1. The Jewish reunion party. How instantly connected it feels to be with your people even when time has passed. Going back in time to the people you knew before you have responsibilities.
2. Libby trying to have deeper conversations with new friends and not getting past talking about kids and dinner. It’s been 10 years since I moved from San Francisco and I miss my city friends.
3. You’ll only be as young as you are in this moment of time. Getting closer to 50 (!!) and this hit me because it feels like a much bigger shift than turning 30 or 40.
I haven’t watched it yet, but I can tell that I definitely need to! I’m mid 40s, married, SAHM and live in NY. Will I have a midlife crisis after watching it though? Because I really can’t fit that into my calendar:-)
Also, the article in the Cut made me wonder if the anonymous woman in the lede was you, Ilana. Save for her living in Brooklyn instead of Tribeca (and maybe the age — I don’t know your exact age), the salient details were correct. You are my only connection to the NYC family life. I’d like to think you are doing it right.
We watching three episodes and gave up on it, but this article, plus my husband saying he heard the whole thing changes about five episodes in, makes me want to return to it. The only thing I have in common with Rachel and Toby is being Jewish (and a family member named Toby - my 5yo son). Otherwise I live in Louisiana and don’t feel these exact kinds of pressure. But I bet there will still be things I vastly relate to. Thanks for inspiring me to keep watching.
Fantastic review and commentary