The Hardest Decision I Ever Had to Make

Mazzy and Harlow both went to sleepaway camp at the end of June. I know it seems like they’re just finishing school on Instagram, but they’ve been gone for almost two whole weeks already. My timeline is way behind for three reasons. 1) I’m always a few weeks behind but it becomes more obvious when a big change happens like the end of school. 2) With the addition of tiktok, I’m finding it even harder to post in real time because now I am serving up major events in essentially four different formats— instagram story, instagram carousel, tiktok “day in the life” and potentially a blog post. 3) I figured since the kids are away for so long (Mazzy is gone for 5 weeks and Harlow is gone for 6 weeks), spreading out the action packed events over the weeks where not much is happening is not a bad thing.

What’s that you say??? Your kids are gone for 5-6 weeks?????

Yep. You read that right. This will be Mazzy’s third time going away for 5 weeks, but this is brand new territory for Harlow. Last year, she went away for 3 weeks and swore that she would never leave home for longer, but then she made a bunch of really amazing camp friends, visited them all year long at various sleepover parties and they all collectively agreed to go back for 6 weeks this summer. It’s a long time and I am so sad to be childless for the month of July, but I think when your kids fall in love with sleepaway camp, it’s an amazing thing. You can’t beat 6 weeks of summer fun with no technology and no parents, living amongst some of your closest friends. In fact, many grown-ups I know still count their camp friends as some of the closest people to them in their adult life.

That’s not to say that Harlow left with no trepidation. The night before camp, she got really nervous and said she didn’t feel ready to leave yet. I knew exactly how she was feeling, because I felt the same. We were just settling into a summer routine and camp seemed to sneak up on us too quickly this year. But I told her that we are not sending her to camp to get rid of her. We are sending her because we know she loves it. “If you are unhappy this summer for whatever reason, we will drive up and take you back home.”

The next morning, Harlow felt a lot better and literally cartwheeled out our front door. I have video. She hugged us tightly at the drop off location and then bravely walked on the bus to camp, waving back at us so we knew she would be okay.

Mazzy, on the other hand, has always been very independent and is not phased by being away from us whatsoever. She has told us repeatedly throughout the years that she never gets homesick. No trepidation. Only excitement, full stop. Some of you might remember last year when she got on her bus to camp without even a glance back. It’s okay. It’s cool. We know she loves us.

Now I need you to keep all this in mind when I explain the reason I am writing this post….

THE HARDEST DECISION EVER.

This summer, Mazzy and Harlow’s visiting days happen to fall on the same day. Something I forgot to consider when I sent them to different camps. Oops. Now, this was the case last year too, when it was Harlow’s first year at camp. When we found out, Mazzy said, and I quote, “Just go to Harlow’s visiting day. It’s fine with me. I never get homesick.” So we agreed; we’d never been to Harlow’s camp, whereas we’d been to Mazzy’s, and we thanked Mazzy for taking one for the team. Now, she might have changed her mind about being okay with having no visitors last summer, but we don’t know because pretty early into the summer, both Harlow and Mazzy’s visiting days were canceled for COVID reasons.

This summer, when we found out about the visiting day conflict again, Mazzy said the same thing. “Just go to Harlow’s. You’ve never been there and I don’t get homesick.” We agreed. And then, on the day Mazzy left, she began to second guess herself a little. Or maybe it was less second guessing and more that she saw an opportunity to make her parents feel guilty. I’m not sure. She didn’t say she was upset, she said something more like, “I mean, it’s fine. I just think it’s kinda funny that no one is visiting me on visiting day.”

I reminded her that she was having visitors on visiting day. We had enlisted Grammy and Sammy to take our place. She said, “I know. It’s fine.”

And then at the beginning of this week, when we had our first and only phone call with her before visiting day, it became clear— IT WAS NOT FINE. She wasn’t crying. Just obviously mad at us, and with good reason.

So now we had a real dilemma on our hands. The only reason we both had decided to go to Harlow’s was because Mazzy made it super easy for us, but maybe that was just an older sister thing to do? And this is what she would talk about later in therapy and everyone would agree we were terrible parents? It certainly does sound like we are terrible parents!!!

The most obvious thing would be for Mike and I to split up; one of us would go to Harlow’s visiting day and the other to Mazzy’s visiting day. But it was very hard for either of us to imagine not showing up for Harlow’s visiting day, when she had left for six weeks expecting us both to be there. Harlow would also most likely NOT BE FINE if she knew this was happening.

My next step was to contact both camps, explain our predicament and ask if there were any visiting day alternatives for parents who were unable to attend. Harlow’s camp said we could come to the camp the following day and have lunch with Harlow in the office, but we were not able to see anything outside of the office, because they didn’t want to risk upsetting other kids who might be missing their parents extra hard the day after visiting day. Mazzy’s camp said we could come to the camp the next morning and take her out to breakfast, and then they would make a special exception for us to see her bunk. I asked if Mazzy would be missing anything by us taking her off property and the director said no. The morning after visiting day, they let the kids sleep in as the prepare for the new session of campers. As long as Mazzy was back by 1pm, she would be there for the new campers to arrive, which I know is an event she loves.

So, there it was, clear as day: Mazzy’s camp gave us the better alternative. We would go to Harlow’s on Saturday for actual visiting day and Mazzy on Sunday morning to take her out for breakfast and then get to see her bunk and meet her friends.

There was only one problem. I didn’t know if this alternative would actually satisfy Mazzy. I asked the director to ask Mazzy if she was happy with that solution and he texted back that he had conveyed the plan to her and she was indeed happy. But I still didn’t quite trust it. What if on actual visiting day, Mazzy felt really bummed that we weren’t there and then was mad at us during the breakfast and it was too late to go back in time to fix it?

I went over and over it in my mind. And then I realized I had the perfect solution. The perfect way to ensure she was happy to see us. The perfect way to show Mazzy that us taking her to breakfast off property the day after visiting day was actually better than being there on visiting day… because it enabled us to bring someone that we couldn’t have brought otherwise.

Allow me to present you with my saving grace:

I told Mike I had figured it out. I knew what we had to do. He said, that’s ridiculous, because our plan was to stay at my sister’s on Saturday night, between the two visiting days, so we wouldn’t have to drive all the way back into the city. Her house is situated perfectly between the two camps and there was no way to get Frankie in between. Mike is the logistics guy and normally I let him make all decisions on these matters, but this time, I was not having it. I said, NOPE. Not gonna fly. There has to be a way. I don’t care how many extra hours it takes in the car or how much of an inconvenience it is or even if I have to drop you off at my sister’s and do the drive myself, WE CANNOT SHOW UP TO ALTERNATIVE VISITING DAY WITHOUT THAT DOG.

And so it will be. Pray Frankie makes it all okay.

Have you ever had to make a decision that involved choosing between your kids? What was it and how did you decide what to do?