It's Been 17 Years; Here's Why Our Marriage Works

It’s been 17 years as of last Sunday since Mike and I decided to get married and live our lives alongside each other. In that time, there has been many ups and downs, but always full trust and commitment. But if you asked me why I think our marriage works, it would not be because Mike is the love of my life (although he is), it would be because we are excellent life partners.

I will always remember the planning of our wedding as being my first real taste of why our marriage was going to work. Here we were planning a large event for all our family and friends, spending probably the largest sum that either of us had ever spent on anything, with so many different avenues for where we could put our money and resources, but somehow things just naturally started to fall into place. Thankfully, we were on the same page for the major decisions, like location, size of the wedding and budget, but when it came to everything else, it became clear that we cared about very different things. Mike cared about food, logistics, and the band, while I cared about decor, flowers, and photography. But instead of making this an issue about what to focus on, we split the major decisions down the middle, let each other own those aspects with complete trust, and the other only had to weigh in when it felt necessary. On our wedding day (which was honestly everything I had dreamed it would be), I remember distinctly looking at Mike and thinking, “We pulled this off because we did it together.”

That wedding planning dynamic has played out for Mike and me throughout everything we do. Sometimes it’s letting the other own something because they care about it more, but it’s also knowing our strengths and weaknesses and then using each other to fill in the gaps. For instance, yesterday Mike wanted to send an email to the school for something specific and asked me to write it. Eloquence is more my thing. At the same time, I got confirmation that a work trip was happening and asked him to book my hotel and flight. Logistics is more Mike’s thing. It’s not that we couldn’t handle this stuff on our own, it’s that we knew the other person could do it better and faster. So there we were at the kitchen table, passing our laptops back and forth, doing the other’s task to get a better, quicker result.

That’s the key to marriage, I think. Taking advantage of each other’s strengths and using them to lighten the mental load for your spouse, meaning that our lives are easier by virtue of working together.

We split our household and childcare responsibilities this way too. Groceries and cooking dinner? That’s Mike. Making sure the kids are up in the morning, making breakfast and packing lunch? That’s me. After school schedule and logistics? That’s Mike. Homework and bedtime? That’s me. Vacation planning? That’s Mike. Social plans in the city? That’s me. And we really don’t know anything about the other’s responsibilities except trusting that they will get done. Our friends will often hear us say things like, “I have no idea, that’s Mike’s department” or “I have no idea, that’s Ilana’s department” because we really divvy up all responsibilities down the middle and then carry the other’s mental load for those items. If you are really close with us, then you know who to text when you have a question, depending on the subject matter. If there is any reason that either of us need the other person’s help, we let them know as ahead of time as possible. Mike and I will often have little meetings like you would at work to go over what we need the other person to do this week that’s out of the ordinary.

Another great example of how well we work together is with the house renovation. I care more about how everything looks and Mike cares more about the practicality of it, so every decision has to pass through both standards. I will never attempt to argue beauty over something that isn’t practical and he will never attempt to argue practicality if I say I don’t like the way it looks, because we both know that living with that decision will drive the other crazy. So, in the end, there are compromises made but everybody is hopefully satisfied.

When the whole Home Polish debacle happened, it was at a time that Mike really didn’t have the time to dedicate to the project, but I was insistent that it needed to happen immediately, so I took on the project on my own. I believe that was a big part of our issue. Because I was more focused on how everything was going to look, and missed a lot of the red flags about how the company was operating. Things like over ordering the tile, wonky dimensions for the built-ins, and sketchy credentials for the contractors were all things Mike would have caught if he had been involved earlier. Not to take away any of the blame from Home Polish, but I honestly don’t think they would have gotten away with as much as they did, if we had been working together like normal.

Next week, we are going to Leah’s wedding and she has obviously spent a ton of time in our home, seeing our dynamic on a daily basis. She told me recently that Mike and I have been such a great example of a healthy marriage to watch. She sees the ups and downs, the divide and conquer, the times we get frustrated and need some space and the times we are completely smitten. I loved hearing this perspective from Leah, that she didn’t just value that we were in love or that we got along (for the most part) or that we were committed to each other. She liked seeing the natural ebbs and flows of a longtime relationship too. The healthy distance we allow each other to have at times. The way our different parenting styles balance each other. The way we keep each other in check. The way we are, above all else, a great team.

This summer Mike and I have actually been spending a lot of time apart. Mike is out at in the Hamptons, staying with friends so he can oversee the renovation. I am in the city working. But it’s been great. We get together on the weekends and are all smiles when we see each other. We’ve had what feels like real dates, where we dress up and get to hear what the other is doing because we haven’t been in the same space with each other 24/7. I think that’s another reason Mike and I are so good together. We both appreciate the time on our own too. It feels nice to miss each other a bit.

Happy 17th anniversary, Mike. Thank you for dreaming big with me, having my best interests at heart and being my partner in life.