I wrote this post back in June, a few weeks after I learned that my good friend Lucy and her family were moving to New Zealand. I didn’t publish it because Lucy wasn’t announcing her move publicly yet, but at the time, I was really struggling with the news. They are the people we spend the most time with (both in the city and at the house- their weekend house is five minutes from ours) and back then, it seemed almost impossible to imagine our lives without them. Mazzy is very close with Lucy’s daughter Skyler, Mike is very close with her husband Eric and Harlow thinks of them all like family. Their news coincided with another friend break-up (which some of you may have picked up on) and the double whammy really sent me into a bad place. I was so sad.
This post resonates so deeply for myself and my family.
We lost our closest family friends pre pandemic when they moved to Hong Kong and it has been a process of mourning for all of us at different moments. It doesn't get easier to be honest but it does make me value the beauty of true friendship and connection which is rare. We hope to reconnect in the same city again but life is not predictable. For now all we know is that no matter how much times passes the love for each other stays the same, even for the kids.
We also lost many members of our community throughout the pandemic and currently looking to expand our community so if you're up for family "dating", we are too! LOL!
Thanks as always for such a wonderful community that you have created right here!! It is priceless during these crazy times.
Great post Ilana! My girls are sixth and third grades this year and I am starting to realize or feel an urge to develop hobbies and friendships of my own. I seem to have friends from college that it’s hit or miss or very scheduled when we see (like once a year), and a few of their friends’ moms who I am also friends with. My college BFF moved from NY to Las Vegas right before the pandemic. One of my good friends here is younger than me and had a baby in spring 2020 and I have found I see her less as we are just in completely different life stages. It’s been hard. I am divorced and already feel sort of isolated with no other adult in my home and limited free time since I work FT and have my kids so much of the time.
All this to say- I think it’s great to re-examine friendships, and figure out what and what doesn’t work for us anymore. So many things are different as we hit this stage of the pandemic and of life. I am trying to figure out hobbies to fill my time and get together with my couple of friends who are available to meet up! I also have gotten to know one of my neighbors better which has been nice.
And it’s also okay to just miss our best friends 💓
I live in a suburb of Madison, Wisconsin, in a traditional neighborhood on a two-acre lot (my kids are 5 and 7). Everything you're talking about (and mourning) is true here, too. It doesn't matter if you have a yard; I think these struggles are common for working mothers (well, working mothers with a lot of privilege). There are definitely days when I think, oh, being part of a community would be easier if I lived in a house that was four feet away from another house (and, what? we forged a deep bond rolling our garbage bins to the curb?), if I didn't have to drive so much, if there wasn't this insular small-town mentality, if if if if if -- I seem to expect it to come to me. But being in community is a choice, it takes effort and work and the willingness to show up. Throw in the pandemic and things are more complicated than ever.
(Re: showing up, if you want a read that will make you see your own community -- or lack thereof -- with greater clarity, and motivate you to create more of what you want in your life, I can't overstate the excellence of How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community by Mia Birdsong.)
Kudos to you for thinking about all of this and changing the things you can control.
I feel this so deeply. I live 5 minutes from where I grew up yet still don’t have a community. We couldn’t bubble during the height of covid because all our friends are disparate. And as I type this I realize “we” is now “I” as my marriage is 20 years is almost, legally, no more. I have always longed for a solid group, even though I have very good and close friends.
Omg this post really hit home. We moved when my girls were in Jr High and High School which made it very difficult to make new friends. I usually had one or two good friends in my neighborhood but as our kids schedules changed it became harder and harder to keep those friendships going, I also worked part-time teaching nursing. My mom lived with us and she was really my best friend until she died when my girls were in college. I am eternally grateful for our close relationship. Soon after my mom died and we were empty nesters I went back to graduate school and became a Clinical Social Worker with hopes of starting a private therapy practice, however it was around that time that I became a grandmother and then began blogging. My daughter and granddaughter were with us for several years and then relocated to the West Coast...then along came another grandchild from my other daughter, who was living in RI. Along the way I have made virtual friends blogging and on social media along with one or two close friends in our community. I also made a very close friend in grad school, a priest who lives in Los Angeles. He is guardian of his niece, who has grown up along side my granddaughter in LA. His life is about to change too as his niece will be off to College on the East Coast next year. My mentor in social work taught me one thing which has remained true..."life is a series of attachments and losses". I remind myself of this often. It is what we do to make meaning out of the attachment and losses that is important and sustains us.
In this pandemic I found out how much time I spent in the last few years in my job or with my girlfriend, and realized how isolated I was. It also made me see that I had to take action and not only be contented at receiving an invitation, I needed to also be the one organizing meetings, because if I didn't, i would continue to be isolated.
It's an horrible feeling when you realize that outside your life partner and family, you don't have anybody. Right now, I am making the change but also, it's difficult to make friends when you and your partner work alone, we are psychologists and don't have kids. Where do we make friends? How to get do now new people? I wasted my years at the university so focus on studying and being the best, that I forgot to make lasting friendships.
I'm happy that you are making changes and making stronger bonds. The pandemic really made us stop our continuous running and take a look at how ours lifes really are.
The pandemic absolutely changed the way I think and feel about community and friendships. I have never thought of myself as a very extroverted or social person; I have a few good friends but I was never very good at making an effort with those friendships or making new friends as an adult. When my oldest daughter started school, I made some mom friends and would see them occasionally, but didn't make much of an effort to make plans. Once the pandemic hit, one of those moms and her twin daughters became part of our bubble and we grew very close. I discovered how much I had been missing out on having that sort of friendship, so once things started opening up again I decided to focus more on friendships both new and old. I have been making a point of attending social events to meet people while also making more time for old friends. It really has made a difference for me, it literally "fills my bucket" to be with people other than my immediate family and it has made me realize that I'm not as awkward socially as I thought. And I really believe that mom friends are the village that gets you through the toughest parenting moments, pandemic or not.
I'm 30 and have no kids, am not married, and both of those things will probably not happen for a few more years. I am experiencing a somewhat different version of this in which a good amount of my friends have either moved over the past couple of years for jobs, etc. or ARE getting married/having kids/etc. I had a lot of good friends at all of my previous jobs, but started at the company I work at now mid-pandemic and with the wfh atmosphere I've had a lot of trouble meeting people here. I moved to a more suburban area of Boston in August as well, with less accessibility and walkable activities. I'm feeling a lot more alienated than I'm used to and it's hard to deal with, and it's a weird age to just "make new friends"... like, where?
I’ve felt lots of the same things you mentioned and I live a long way from New York-Wyoming actually. My oldest is in 6th and I’m definitely having a harder time connecting with other moms with kids that same age-different activities pull people different places, but I also have a 3 year old too But I also don’t connect with other moms of kids her age either. I homeschooled during the pandemic and felt like I lost my connection with public school moms, but now we are back in public school and I don’t have a connection to the homeschool moms. The community groups feel very compartmentalized. All to say, I very much relate to lots of the things you are feeling regarding friendships. I think it does take effort to put yourself out there and create your own community, which can be hard for an introvert (me). I loved your thoughts of how you took action and then a reflection now. It gives me some hope.
Yes, the pandemic became very isolating for my introverted self. I am similar to you in that I am not the one who typically thinks to make the plans but than am sad I’m not invited to things. I am trying to get better at prioritizing friendships that are important to me, but it truly is disheartening that no plans happen if I don’ initiate them. Makes me feel like the love is somewhat one-sided (even though I know it’s not).
I live in a red area of my very blue state and the election plus the pandemic politics also became pretty divisive and I am fairly certain I have lost a friend due to different views regarding this. 🥲
This post resonates deeply with me but I'm from the opposite perspective. The pandemic found us having to relocate out of Chicago due toy husband losing his job and my job being based in Michigan. We had our first baby in July 2020, moved in August. I deeply miss my Chicago, big city community. The kind of community that exists when you run into 10 different familiar faces walking your dog in the park and have impromptu dog play dates and grab coffee after. I find those unplanned run-ins don't happen in suburbia. It's gotten better now that we've been able to get together with neighbors (we were socializing a lot on 2020 with a new baby in the pandemic) and it feels like we're slowly building our community again. I think you're right, with good intentions and planning from both sides, you can find a community anywhere.
Sorry to see you lose Lucy in NYC(and the other friends during the pandemic), but though the relationship will change you'll be reunited some day and it'll feel so, so good.
I'm single and have no kids (or even a pet), but I think we have all felt this way throughout life. Especially having gone through the past (almost) two years, I think everyone has re-evaluated their life and relationships. As someone who holds friendships near and dear, it's always devastating when things change (yes, I picked up on it and I've been sad for you). However, good for you for making a plan to put yourself out there and creating community!!
Thank you for sharing this. I think I went through this in my 30s when I lost my core group of friends over a break-up (friend break-up, not a romantic one). I had my group from high school through our 30s and then we all sort of broke up over life stuff. I also stayed at the same job for 16 years so I made 3 really close friends until 2 of them moved away and one sorta just doesn't make much of an effort. Now, I'm 47, at a new job for about 2 years now, but only got close to one person pre-pandemic and now she's no longer there. It's a pretty big place and making close friends like that is not very easy. Everyone is nice, but no one who I would have lunch with or chat about more than work. I feel pretty much friend-less. Sure, my husband and I have friends, I have friends from my previous job, but no one that I can just call to talk or invite over for a glass of wine. Can I just say how sad that makes me feel???? Luckily I have a sister, but it's different, you know? Anyway, I hear about how intentional you have been and how it's worked for you, but when I do that, it's always one-sided. If I don't initiate, my phone isn't exactly blowing up. Kinda hard not to wonder if I'm the problem, but I promise, I'm a very kind person. I think. Oh and kids are 15 and 11, no mom friends really. Everyone is very disconnected in this neighborhood. I really feel like I have no community. Maybe I'll make an effort, but what do you do when it becomes so one-sided????
I really appreciate you sharing your feelings - and your plan - for this next stage in parenting and forming friendships as an adult. BUT - I have a question - HOW have you found the time and energy to do this, while managing all that you already have going on? This has both inspired and overwhelmed me :) for myself.
Thank you so much for this! I have felt that during this pandemic my kids started off as kids and came out as teens (currently 10 and 11). We live in Boston and have realized just how transient it is with so many of our friends moving to be closer to family. Our neighbors and bubble family told us over the summer that they are moving to Japan for two years and my 10 year old is devastated! We are all sad but when your best friend and neighbor is moving away it is just so hard. We also left our small public school community and moved to a private school that we’ve never set foot in and don’t know any parents. It’s been hard but gets better every day and I know we aren’t the only family going through so much change.
You know what’s funny? We are some of the people who moved out of a city (DC) during the pandemic for a variety of reasons. The thing we miss most? The community in our neighborhood and school. We backed onto an alley and those people became like our family because we were always crossing paths. That led to doing more neighborhood parties and we ended up with a block of people that we adored and saw all the time. In the city, I felt like the city was an extension of my house and I was rarely at home all day. In the suburbs, I feel more isolated and like my world is now my house and I’m struggling. It’s interesting. I guess it just shows that community isn’t necessarily determined by the physical place and it’s parameters. We love the property we bought but we miss our life in the city.
This post resonates so deeply for myself and my family.
We lost our closest family friends pre pandemic when they moved to Hong Kong and it has been a process of mourning for all of us at different moments. It doesn't get easier to be honest but it does make me value the beauty of true friendship and connection which is rare. We hope to reconnect in the same city again but life is not predictable. For now all we know is that no matter how much times passes the love for each other stays the same, even for the kids.
We also lost many members of our community throughout the pandemic and currently looking to expand our community so if you're up for family "dating", we are too! LOL!
Thanks as always for such a wonderful community that you have created right here!! It is priceless during these crazy times.
Great post Ilana! My girls are sixth and third grades this year and I am starting to realize or feel an urge to develop hobbies and friendships of my own. I seem to have friends from college that it’s hit or miss or very scheduled when we see (like once a year), and a few of their friends’ moms who I am also friends with. My college BFF moved from NY to Las Vegas right before the pandemic. One of my good friends here is younger than me and had a baby in spring 2020 and I have found I see her less as we are just in completely different life stages. It’s been hard. I am divorced and already feel sort of isolated with no other adult in my home and limited free time since I work FT and have my kids so much of the time.
All this to say- I think it’s great to re-examine friendships, and figure out what and what doesn’t work for us anymore. So many things are different as we hit this stage of the pandemic and of life. I am trying to figure out hobbies to fill my time and get together with my couple of friends who are available to meet up! I also have gotten to know one of my neighbors better which has been nice.
And it’s also okay to just miss our best friends 💓
I live in a suburb of Madison, Wisconsin, in a traditional neighborhood on a two-acre lot (my kids are 5 and 7). Everything you're talking about (and mourning) is true here, too. It doesn't matter if you have a yard; I think these struggles are common for working mothers (well, working mothers with a lot of privilege). There are definitely days when I think, oh, being part of a community would be easier if I lived in a house that was four feet away from another house (and, what? we forged a deep bond rolling our garbage bins to the curb?), if I didn't have to drive so much, if there wasn't this insular small-town mentality, if if if if if -- I seem to expect it to come to me. But being in community is a choice, it takes effort and work and the willingness to show up. Throw in the pandemic and things are more complicated than ever.
(Re: showing up, if you want a read that will make you see your own community -- or lack thereof -- with greater clarity, and motivate you to create more of what you want in your life, I can't overstate the excellence of How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community by Mia Birdsong.)
Kudos to you for thinking about all of this and changing the things you can control.
I feel this so deeply. I live 5 minutes from where I grew up yet still don’t have a community. We couldn’t bubble during the height of covid because all our friends are disparate. And as I type this I realize “we” is now “I” as my marriage is 20 years is almost, legally, no more. I have always longed for a solid group, even though I have very good and close friends.
Omg this post really hit home. We moved when my girls were in Jr High and High School which made it very difficult to make new friends. I usually had one or two good friends in my neighborhood but as our kids schedules changed it became harder and harder to keep those friendships going, I also worked part-time teaching nursing. My mom lived with us and she was really my best friend until she died when my girls were in college. I am eternally grateful for our close relationship. Soon after my mom died and we were empty nesters I went back to graduate school and became a Clinical Social Worker with hopes of starting a private therapy practice, however it was around that time that I became a grandmother and then began blogging. My daughter and granddaughter were with us for several years and then relocated to the West Coast...then along came another grandchild from my other daughter, who was living in RI. Along the way I have made virtual friends blogging and on social media along with one or two close friends in our community. I also made a very close friend in grad school, a priest who lives in Los Angeles. He is guardian of his niece, who has grown up along side my granddaughter in LA. His life is about to change too as his niece will be off to College on the East Coast next year. My mentor in social work taught me one thing which has remained true..."life is a series of attachments and losses". I remind myself of this often. It is what we do to make meaning out of the attachment and losses that is important and sustains us.
In this pandemic I found out how much time I spent in the last few years in my job or with my girlfriend, and realized how isolated I was. It also made me see that I had to take action and not only be contented at receiving an invitation, I needed to also be the one organizing meetings, because if I didn't, i would continue to be isolated.
It's an horrible feeling when you realize that outside your life partner and family, you don't have anybody. Right now, I am making the change but also, it's difficult to make friends when you and your partner work alone, we are psychologists and don't have kids. Where do we make friends? How to get do now new people? I wasted my years at the university so focus on studying and being the best, that I forgot to make lasting friendships.
I'm happy that you are making changes and making stronger bonds. The pandemic really made us stop our continuous running and take a look at how ours lifes really are.
The pandemic absolutely changed the way I think and feel about community and friendships. I have never thought of myself as a very extroverted or social person; I have a few good friends but I was never very good at making an effort with those friendships or making new friends as an adult. When my oldest daughter started school, I made some mom friends and would see them occasionally, but didn't make much of an effort to make plans. Once the pandemic hit, one of those moms and her twin daughters became part of our bubble and we grew very close. I discovered how much I had been missing out on having that sort of friendship, so once things started opening up again I decided to focus more on friendships both new and old. I have been making a point of attending social events to meet people while also making more time for old friends. It really has made a difference for me, it literally "fills my bucket" to be with people other than my immediate family and it has made me realize that I'm not as awkward socially as I thought. And I really believe that mom friends are the village that gets you through the toughest parenting moments, pandemic or not.
I'm 30 and have no kids, am not married, and both of those things will probably not happen for a few more years. I am experiencing a somewhat different version of this in which a good amount of my friends have either moved over the past couple of years for jobs, etc. or ARE getting married/having kids/etc. I had a lot of good friends at all of my previous jobs, but started at the company I work at now mid-pandemic and with the wfh atmosphere I've had a lot of trouble meeting people here. I moved to a more suburban area of Boston in August as well, with less accessibility and walkable activities. I'm feeling a lot more alienated than I'm used to and it's hard to deal with, and it's a weird age to just "make new friends"... like, where?
I’ve felt lots of the same things you mentioned and I live a long way from New York-Wyoming actually. My oldest is in 6th and I’m definitely having a harder time connecting with other moms with kids that same age-different activities pull people different places, but I also have a 3 year old too But I also don’t connect with other moms of kids her age either. I homeschooled during the pandemic and felt like I lost my connection with public school moms, but now we are back in public school and I don’t have a connection to the homeschool moms. The community groups feel very compartmentalized. All to say, I very much relate to lots of the things you are feeling regarding friendships. I think it does take effort to put yourself out there and create your own community, which can be hard for an introvert (me). I loved your thoughts of how you took action and then a reflection now. It gives me some hope.
Yes, the pandemic became very isolating for my introverted self. I am similar to you in that I am not the one who typically thinks to make the plans but than am sad I’m not invited to things. I am trying to get better at prioritizing friendships that are important to me, but it truly is disheartening that no plans happen if I don’ initiate them. Makes me feel like the love is somewhat one-sided (even though I know it’s not).
I live in a red area of my very blue state and the election plus the pandemic politics also became pretty divisive and I am fairly certain I have lost a friend due to different views regarding this. 🥲
This post resonates deeply with me but I'm from the opposite perspective. The pandemic found us having to relocate out of Chicago due toy husband losing his job and my job being based in Michigan. We had our first baby in July 2020, moved in August. I deeply miss my Chicago, big city community. The kind of community that exists when you run into 10 different familiar faces walking your dog in the park and have impromptu dog play dates and grab coffee after. I find those unplanned run-ins don't happen in suburbia. It's gotten better now that we've been able to get together with neighbors (we were socializing a lot on 2020 with a new baby in the pandemic) and it feels like we're slowly building our community again. I think you're right, with good intentions and planning from both sides, you can find a community anywhere.
Sorry to see you lose Lucy in NYC(and the other friends during the pandemic), but though the relationship will change you'll be reunited some day and it'll feel so, so good.
I'm single and have no kids (or even a pet), but I think we have all felt this way throughout life. Especially having gone through the past (almost) two years, I think everyone has re-evaluated their life and relationships. As someone who holds friendships near and dear, it's always devastating when things change (yes, I picked up on it and I've been sad for you). However, good for you for making a plan to put yourself out there and creating community!!
Thank you for sharing this. I think I went through this in my 30s when I lost my core group of friends over a break-up (friend break-up, not a romantic one). I had my group from high school through our 30s and then we all sort of broke up over life stuff. I also stayed at the same job for 16 years so I made 3 really close friends until 2 of them moved away and one sorta just doesn't make much of an effort. Now, I'm 47, at a new job for about 2 years now, but only got close to one person pre-pandemic and now she's no longer there. It's a pretty big place and making close friends like that is not very easy. Everyone is nice, but no one who I would have lunch with or chat about more than work. I feel pretty much friend-less. Sure, my husband and I have friends, I have friends from my previous job, but no one that I can just call to talk or invite over for a glass of wine. Can I just say how sad that makes me feel???? Luckily I have a sister, but it's different, you know? Anyway, I hear about how intentional you have been and how it's worked for you, but when I do that, it's always one-sided. If I don't initiate, my phone isn't exactly blowing up. Kinda hard not to wonder if I'm the problem, but I promise, I'm a very kind person. I think. Oh and kids are 15 and 11, no mom friends really. Everyone is very disconnected in this neighborhood. I really feel like I have no community. Maybe I'll make an effort, but what do you do when it becomes so one-sided????
I really appreciate you sharing your feelings - and your plan - for this next stage in parenting and forming friendships as an adult. BUT - I have a question - HOW have you found the time and energy to do this, while managing all that you already have going on? This has both inspired and overwhelmed me :) for myself.
Thank you so much for this! I have felt that during this pandemic my kids started off as kids and came out as teens (currently 10 and 11). We live in Boston and have realized just how transient it is with so many of our friends moving to be closer to family. Our neighbors and bubble family told us over the summer that they are moving to Japan for two years and my 10 year old is devastated! We are all sad but when your best friend and neighbor is moving away it is just so hard. We also left our small public school community and moved to a private school that we’ve never set foot in and don’t know any parents. It’s been hard but gets better every day and I know we aren’t the only family going through so much change.
You know what’s funny? We are some of the people who moved out of a city (DC) during the pandemic for a variety of reasons. The thing we miss most? The community in our neighborhood and school. We backed onto an alley and those people became like our family because we were always crossing paths. That led to doing more neighborhood parties and we ended up with a block of people that we adored and saw all the time. In the city, I felt like the city was an extension of my house and I was rarely at home all day. In the suburbs, I feel more isolated and like my world is now my house and I’m struggling. It’s interesting. I guess it just shows that community isn’t necessarily determined by the physical place and it’s parameters. We love the property we bought but we miss our life in the city.