Everything You Want To Know About Bar and Bat Mitzvahs

I’ve been fielding a lot of direct messages about Mazzy’s upcoming Bat Mitzvah (it’s tomorrow!!!), so I thought I’d answer some of the most frequently asked questions. But first I have to point out that the questions are kind of hilarious in their breadth. I’ve got a lot of Jewish followers who have been to way more Bar and Bat Mitzvahs than I have, and then I’ve got a fair share of followers who grew up in places where their only relationship to Judaism was Monica and Ross Geller, and are asking questions like, “What’s a Bat Mitzvah? Do you have it in a church?” So. Before I answer questions about Mazzy’s Bat Mitzvah specifically, I thought I’d offer up a general explainer. Bar and Bat Mitzvah 101, if you will.

FYI, I took the photo up top at the rehearsal on Tuesday evening. Mazzy would not allow me to take video and there is no video allowed during the actual service, so I’m sorry to report, only the people in the room on the day will get to hear her singing her Haftorah.

What is a Bar or Bat Mitzvah? What is the difference between the two?

A Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a rite of passage that happens when a Jewish child turns thirteen, the age at which Jewish law says they are now an adult. “Bar” is used for boys and “Bat” is used for girls. I’ve also been hearing a lot of people use B’nei Mitzvah recently, which is the plural, so people use it as genderless term or if you have twins doing a joint ceremony/party. What does it mean to be a Jewish adult? It means you can hold the torah on your own without anyone being afraid that you will drop it (that’s forty years of bad luck) and you can help lead a service by singing passages from the torah in Hebrew and interpreting the passage in your own words. It is also the age when you are supposed to start fasting during Yom Kippur.

How is it determined what Torah portion you read?

Your torah portion is based specifically on the date of your Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Traditionally, it will be held on a Saturday and performed during services that anyone belonging to your temple can attend. If there is not a Bar or Bat Mitzvah happening on that day, this is the torah portion the Rabbi would be reading to the congregation for Saturday services regardless. The date of your Bat Mitzvah is usually the closest one available to your birthday, but you can switch it based on what is most convenient for your family. For instance, Mazzy’s birthday is December 9th, but we opted not to have a December Bat Mitzvah because we didn’t want to compete with holiday parties and venues tend to be more expensive around that time. Originally, we had a different date later in November, but then we found out that one of Mazzy’s classmates had booked the same day, so we switched because we didn’t want their friends to have to choose which party to attend.

How long do you prep for it?

Mazzy has been going to Hebrew school once a week since kindergarten and twice a week this year. One session is learning about Jewish culture and customs with a group, and the other session is private with the cantor to learn her torah portion and haftorah. It’s a significant amount of work, because you have to learn to read the Hebrew (it’s not just a language, but a whole different alphabet) and the exact way to chant/sing the Hebrew, which is a little random without a repeating melody or chorus like a song. There is your torah portion, your haftorah, the prayers before the torah, and you have to write a speech interpreting your torah portion and relating it to current events and/or your life personally. You also pick a Mitzvah project which is usually doing some kind of volunteer work for a charity that relates back to your torah portion. Mazzy’s torah portion is about Abraham and his family having to leave their home to make a life in a new land, so Mazzy is relating that back to immigration issues today, her grandmother coming to America after World War II and participating in a letter writing campaign for the IRC (International Rescue Committee) which is calling upon our representatives to reject anti-asylum legislation.

As far as the prepping for the party, we booked the major stuff about a year out (party planner, venue, caterer, DJ, photographer) but didn’t start working on the details (theme, decor, invites, food choices, seating, montage, etc.) until September.

Can only Jewish people go?

Nope! Anybody can come to a Bar, Bat or B’nei Mitzvah.

Who gets invited?

Just like when you plan your wedding, you have to decide what kind of party you are throwing. Is it a huge blow out with everyone you know? Or do you want to make it a more intimate affair? Is this for all your family and adult friends? Or is it more about your kid? We decided we wanted to throw a medium size event (we have 140 people coming) and the way we made cuts was by making sure everyone had a direct relationship with Mazzy. That means very few work people (which looking back was like half of our wedding) and no friends of our parents friends. The only place this got a little tricky was with parent friends from Mazzy’s school. I have mom friends across different grades, but we opted to only invite the parents of kids who were friends with Mazzy. Not all of them. Just the ones we hang out with socially. Mazzy’s school is pretty small and it’s customary at our school for kids to invite the entire grade, which is about 35 kids. I love this because there is no drama about who is and isn’t invited and everyone can wear the swag the next day without it feeling exclusive and obnoxious. Add on camp friends, cousins and kids of family friends and the kid count comes to around 65, which is about half the party. I should also add that we didn’t invite everyone with siblings (even if parents were invited), because that more than doubled our kid count. It felt a little tacky, but my mom polled her friends and it seems like that is pretty typical.

Are you doing a day or night party? How did you choose?

This was probably the hardest decision we had to make, especially since the venue we booked only does one party a day, so we could have done either for the same price and didn’t have to make a decision right away. Initially, we all wanted a night party and that’s what we told our planner. The service is 9:30am to noon, so people would just have to find something else to do in between and then reconvene at the party at 6pm. But as the date got closer, we realized a night party posed logistical problems for some of our guests. In the suburbs, what typically happens is the kids attend services and then they can go home and back to the party no problem. Camp friends from out of town usually get invited to sleep over. In the city, we just do not have the space to invite 10 camp friends to stay over. And I couldn’t imagine a lot of Mazzy’s friends’ parents driving into the city just to pick up their kids at midnight. The second issue was what to do with our family members traveling into the city for the party, most of whom are driving 1-2 hours but not staying the night. I imagine we would have had to be responsible for what they were doing in the interim or invite them over while we prepped for the party, which just would have added to my stress. In the end, it seemed easier to have everyone go straight to the party from the service and then have their parents pick them up at the reasonable time of 6pm. Once the invites went out, I realized that the day party created other logistical issues that I hadn’t thought about, like time to change into our party attire (Mazzy, Harlow and I all have different outfits for the service and the party) and less time to take family photos before the party begins. Also, friends that we invited without kids (or with only one of their kids) had more of an issue figuring out child care from 9:30am-6pm than if they just had to hire a sitter for the evening. If I do this again (Hi, Harlow!), I might decide not to do the traditional morning service at our temple and arrange to have a modified service in the evening before the party instead.

Does Mazzy’s party have a theme?

A lot of kids don’t have themes anymore (more like color schemes), but after a lot of thought and looking at pics of other Bat Mitzvahs, Mazzy decided she wanted to go with a carnival theme. Not circus. Carnival. Not red and white. Pink and yellow. Not stars. Hearts. Not regular carnival prizes. Squishmallows. We’ll see how this shapes out!

What were some of the vetoed themes?

Honestly we could think of nothing else that made sense. At first I suggested an entire Squishmallow theme, but much to my surprise, Mazzy didn’t want to do that. Then we talked about a candy theme, an ice cream theme, a summer pool party in November theme, an anime theme, a Hello Kitty theme, a moon and stars theme… and when I say discussed, I mean, I said them out loud and Mazzy promptly vetoed. Carnival really worked because it combined things like ice cream and cotton candy concessions with Squishmallow prizes. Mazzy is very into pastels and wants everything pink and yellow, which can read a little 1st birthday party, so we are trying to spice it up with lots of color accents. I keep explaining it to the decor person as outdoor roadside carnival colors (pink, yellow, turquoise) as opposed to circus (red and white).

What do you do at the party?

The party usually consists of a cocktail hour and a reception, just like a wedding. At the reception, there are a few Jewish traditions at every Bat Mitzvah, like having a grandparent say the blessing over the challah, doing a candle lighting (I’ll explain that later), dancing the horah (which includes raising the Bat Mitzvah girl or boy in a chair), the parents giving a speech, a photo montage, food, a big dance party and dessert. There is usually some kind of theme or color scheme, a logo with the kid’s name that is put on everything (some parties are so branded, they look like corporate events), a photo booth, swag in the form of branded hoodies, t-shirts or pajama pants, and a DJ with dancers who help rile up the kids by playing games and giving prizes. One thing we realized when planning the party is that the DJ and dancers are really the most important part. You want to make sure you have an entertainment company that is high energy enough to keep all the kids on the dance floor and not lounging around on their phones.

How many minutes is the montage?

It’s 10 minutes exactly, which is what I was told is typical. I split it up into different sections— Mazzy through the years, Mazzy and Harlow, school friends, camp friends, extended family, and immediate family. I also added a few fun sections for NYC, vacation and ice cream. I’m not sure how hard the montage is to put together for most people, but for me, as someone who has been documenting Mazzy’s life like it’s my job (because it is), it was a BEAST. There is a whole other post I can write about the process of finding old videos on hard drives I forgot existed (anyone remember flip video cameras?) and the years of memories I just had to let go. I finally finished the montage last night and OH MY GOD, sending that completed video to the AV people felt like I had birthed a third child.

Is candle lighting still a thing?

Yes, it’s still a thing! Although, we were told not to get a cake (there are plenty of other desserts) and just do it with candles in a nice display. The tradition is that you pick family members and friends (usually in groups) to represent each of the 13 candles. You say something nice about the person/group and then invite them up to light the candle with you, along with a song that represents them. It also acts as a great way for the photographer to get photos of the Bat Mitzvah girl with special people. We used to always say the introductions in rhymes, but apparently that is now passé. My mother was particularly disappointed about that one. She was always really good at the rhymes and volunteered to help Mazzy as her value add. Sorry, mom! Writing the little speeches and picking the songs is the last thing we have left to do! Mazzy, get on that!

What’s the most challenging part of the planning?

I have had a whole roller coaster of emotions over the past few months. First, I was floored with the expense of it all. We opted for a raw space where you have to bring everything in, instead of an all inclusive. The all inclusives seemed crazy expensive at the beginning of the planning process, but we probably ended up spending similar, just at more of a slow bleed. Then I had to get Mazzy on board with a theme. It took months for me to even get her to agree to a color. And then I had to find vendors who could execute on our budget. Typically, everything is set up while you are at the service, so you don’t see the results of all your decisions until you walk into the party like everybody else. As a creative director, this is really hard for me! Like, we went back and forth with the designer on our invitation four times, and I realized I’m not going to be able to fix anything decor-wise or tell anyone to do something different on the day. I think it just involves a lot of trust in your vendors, and since we’ve made a lot of decisions on how things can be more cost effective, I know it’s not going to be exactly what I’m picturing in my head. But in these last few weeks, it all started to come together and I feel good about it! Then I switched my focus and started to get nervous about Mazzy actually learning all the Hebrew, but from what I’ve seen, kids can stumble, the rabbi prompts them and it’s no big deal. And then most recently (like earlier this week), I had this sudden fear that Mazzy and her friends would think the party was lame and not have any fun. It literally kept me up all night. That put everything in perspective, because I realized that as much as I care about what the party looks like, the only thing that really matters is Mazzy having a good time.

What do you consider an appropriate gift?

The most typical gift is cash or check, both from kids and adults, and always in increments of $18. Eighteen is the numerical representation of Chai, which is Hebrew for the word “life.” Gifts in increments of $18 symbolize a long happy life. Beyond that, there is no right answer for how much you should give. It depends on your relationship with the child, how many of your family members are attending and what you can afford. In Manhattan, kids usually give $54, $72, $90 or $108. A family of four attending a Bat Mitzvah might give more around $360. It is also perfectly acceptable to give a non-cash gift. So far, Mazzy has gotten a necklace from Grammy and a fancy little purse from a family friend.

Do you use the gift money to recoup costs?

No, typically the money goes into a savings account for the Bat Mitzvah girl.

What is the typical budget?

Obviously, it varies greatly and depends very much on location. Going into this, I thought it would be cheaper than our wedding, but in reality, it’s no different. All venues and vendors in Manhattan can book out for either, so they are not giving anyone a discount depending on the type of event. And it’s all the same stuff— food, decor, DJ, photographer, etc. Mike and I specifically had a destination wedding because we didn’t want to spend the kind of money that places in Manhattan charge. For the Bat Mitzvah, we didn’t really have a choice, although we did try and fail to convince Mazzy to go to Israel instead. No dice.

Do most practicing Jewish families throw these huge parties? Is this the norm?

It seems to be the norm in places where there are large communities of middle to upper class Jewish families, but it is not for everyone. Mazzy is the fourth kid in her grade to become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah but only the second kid to have a party. One of her friends had a virtual Bat Mitzvah (the parents chose to do that because their older son had a virtual Bar Mitzvah during COVID and it seemed only fair) and the other chose to have a family celebration in Israel. Many parents will give their kids the choice between getting Bat Mitzvah’ed in Israel as part of a big family trip or having a big party. There are three other Jewish kids in her grade who have Bar/Bat Mitzvahs coming up but they are all happening after Mazzy’s, so I don’t know the scale yet. In general, it seems like our NYC community is a little more low key and laid back than some of the photos from parties I have seen happening uptown. But I also think people have scaled back a little since the pandemic.

How do you keep from comparing your Bat Mitzvah to others?

Honestly, when Bat Mitzvah season started, I was a little sad that we are not part of a big Jewish community where the kids have parties every weekend. That’s what I remember from my childhood. But now that it’s Mazzy’s turn, I feel relief that she doesn’t have that many parties to compare hers to. She has been to six total (two before the pandemic when she was younger) and will have a few after hers. That feels like more than enough and I love that each party feels really special for her grade, and not just part of “the circuit.” Ours will be the first Bat Mitzvah for her grade this school year. I do have a hard time with comparing what we are doing to other parties I see online, but in reality, the parties we have been to are not nearly as over the top. I think doing a day Bat Mitzvah does take a bit of the pressure off and I envision our party will feel like a really big birthday party for a kid (with cotton candy and colorful balloons), as opposed to some of the parties that you see that feel more like a nightclub for 13-year-olds. I have no problem with those parties! They look like a ton of fun! We are just throwing something very different.

If my kids is invited to one, what should she wear?

The basic Bat Mitzvah dress for girls seems to be a black or silver piece of ruched elastic that ends just below the butt. When I first saw them on the rack, I was horrified by how short and tight they are, but they usually pair them with jean jackets and white on white Air Jordans, so they look more kid-like. Mazzy is wearing a simple khaki dress for her service (personally I wanted fancier but this was her choice) and changing into a pale pink party dress. For other Bat Mitzvahs, we got lucky and found two French Connection dresses at Bloomingdales (one black and one light blue) that are both mini and cute, but not skin tight. She usually pairs them with Converse high tops.

Do you have a choice whether to be bar/bat mitzvahed?

Usually, no. It really was the one thing we did not give Mazzy a choice about. And I feel like we couldn’t enforce other things (like sticking with an instrument) because attending Hebrew school as one of her extracurriculars was a non-negotiable. Hating Hebrew school is another long standing Jewish tradition.

Alright, that’s it, I think. I’ve got a whole list of last minute things to do today! Wish Mazzy luck!