The Bitter Sweetness of the First Day of School

When I first started blogging, I remember there was a first day of school photo that went viral. It pictured two little kids frowning while holding up their “first day of school” signs, while their mom jumped for joy in the background. The implication being that moms crave time to themselves, having the kids home all day every day in the summer is HELL, ergo, the first day of school is a day to be celebrated. It’s the day parents get their freedom back.

At the time, I laughed and related. Back then, I was terrible at keeping my kids entertained at home. Playing restaurant, styling Barbie hair, watching Bubble Guppies, pretending the kid’s version of Monopoly was anything close to interesting. I loved having little kids, but playing what they wanted to play was as dull as watching paint dry. I wasn’t the only one. I remember I had a blog post that went semi-viral about games you could play with your kids while sneaking in a nap. You know, like hide and seek, where you hide in your bed, under your covers, and pray it takes a really long time to find you.

I was never one of those moms who cried when they went back to work. I was happy to hand over my kids to our nanny and do “adult stuff.” On weekends and during the summer, we’d do everything to keep Mazzy and Harlow’s days scheduled and structured. Playdates, playgrounds, birthday parties, family activities, classes, camp. Otherwise, they would just default to their iPads and we’d feel guilty.

Our days are not our own, we used to say.

Flash forward to this summer, which has sadly just come to an end. Mazzy is 12 and Harlow is 9, which are by all accounts the most perfect ages ever.

They’re old enough to fend for themselves but little enough to still treasure a cuddle on the couch with mama. Young enough to still like playing with each other, but old enough to sort out most of their fights on their own. This summer I realized that the majority of our parenting stressors are school/homework related, or due to the idea that our kids have to be doing something productive at all times. I have always had this idea (for myself as much as the kids) that free time is an opportunity— to get work done, to learn a craft, to do some summer reading, to perfect a new skill, etc. But I think the pandemic taught me that this isn’t always healthy. And it’s usually met with eye rolling and resistance from my kids.

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This summer, I tried giving us all a real break. We sent our kids to sleepaway camp for most of July (where they had tons of structure and played HARD), so when they got back, I scheduled almost nothing except some sleepovers with friends. Mazzy and Harlow are independent enough to find things to do on their own at the house and Mike and I are both flexible enough with our jobs that we can spend time with them too.

We let the kids swim on their own, have friends over without too much supervision, and sent Mazzy out to get bagels and sandwiches. We took some more lessons from the pandemic and did family bike rides, family kayaks and evening walks. We watched so much television. I learned that I love watching disaster movies with Harlow (The Day After Tomorrow is her favorite) and slightly inappropriate sitcoms with Mazzy (we are currently working our way through New Girl) and that all of us together as a family are equally invested in series like Stranger Things, Only Murders in the Building and Maze Runner. They also taught me that Danny Gonzales on YouTube is super funny. Some nights, Mike and I went to bed before the kids and let them sleep in the next morning. Some nights, we went out and left the kids home alone…but the very best night happened during the last week of summer.

Mike made a reservation for us and another couple at a fancy sushi place. The other couple backed out, but it was too late to cancel the reservation, so we decided to take the kids. They could have groaned or fought us on this decision (typically when we eat out, it’s way more fun for us, than for them), but instead they got excited. After years of eating nothing but plain pasta, Harlow had eaten a single salmon roll at a friend’s house and decided she liked it. Mazzy said she was willing to try it too, probably because she couldn’t stand the thought of her little sister being the adventurous one. Then they ran up to their rooms to put on something nice for our big night out.

I’m not sure what I was expecting once we actually got to the restaurant, but it was certainly not what we got, which was our best night out as a family ever. They both tried EVERYTHING and the joy on Mike’s face (he LOVES sushi) was palpable. It was like the food equivalent of the day we all finally skied together as a family. We all talked and laughed so hard throughout dinner. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but I definitely remember Harlow choking back laughter, then leaning forward conspiratorially and saying, “Look around. I bet none of the other families at this restaurant are having as much fun as we are.” In that moment, I think she was right. Not possible.

On the way home, Bohemian Rhapsody came on in the car and we all started singing. As children of the 70s and 80s, Mike and I obviously know all the words. What we didn’t know is that apparently, the song is currently trending on Tiktok, so Mazzy and Harlow both knew all the words too. I’m not sure who was more shocked when we all busted out the lyrics in unison.

You know, when I was a new mom, I often dreamed about all the things my kids could potentially accomplish. Would they be a musical prodigy? A star soccer player? The first female President? But now, I’ve realized that your actual goal as a parent is much smaller. You just want to create people who are kind and fun to be around. People who are good friends and laugh easily. People who know how to make you laugh. People who you can share a sushi dinner with or something equally as simple and still have the best night ever. Because it’s not about what you do, it’s about the company.

Yesterday was Harlow’s first day of 5th grade and today is Mazzy’s first day of 8th grade. They are both so excited to see what the new school year has in store. I’m excited too. But you won’t see me jumping up and down in the background of their first day of school photo, celebrating the return of my freedom. I’m in a new phase of parenthood where I want to hang out with my kids as much as possible, while they still want to hang out with me.

What phase of parenting are you in? How do you feel about the end of summer and the start of the new school year?