How to Take Back Control of Your Social Media Feeds

Since I wrote my post about the “internet icks,” which talks about how social media is increasingly infiltrating our thought patterns both online and off, I’ve heard from so many people who have been experiencing the same thing. In addition to a ton of people saying that Tiktok diagnosed them with ADHD (and other things), I’ve also heard from pregnant people who were fed a steady stream of birth horror stories on Instagram, someone who’s husband is going through chemotherapy having her feed suddenly flooded with widow content and people who moved from blue states to red states immediately seeing the politics on their FYP shift stance as well.

I also heard from a lot of people talking about their issues with social media and comparison culture, which I struggle with too. I think many of us, on occasion, have fallen into a pattern of judging our own lives in contrast to the homes, clothes, jobs, bodies, etc. that we see others show off online, which can result in real life consequences. Like people making major lifestyle changes, moving, having plastic surgery, or just having a general feeling of inadequacy. So it’s not that far of a leap to assume that social media has the power to dictate our behavior and possibly alter our beliefs. Sometimes, social media can alter our beliefs for the better (which I think many of us have experienced), but it’s important to remember that, if we are not vigilant, it can also go in the other direction. Or, if we are online for too long, a good path can go bad. Like happy birth announcement content, leading to diligent preparation, eventually leading to tragic accidents.

This month, I’ve noticed a few large creators publicly struggling with being on social. Laura Clery made a reel about tiktok convincing her that everyone she knows has Autism, while Manon Mathews questioned her constant need for online validation and talked about comparing herself to other creators. I think it’s because, like me, they made a recent shift from mainly creating content to consuming more, largely because a lot of us are trying to regain our footing in reaction to all of Instagram’s frequent updates. I also think Dooce’s unhinged transphobic rant where she keeps linking to an online community who shares her point of view (the post has since been taken down) and Leandra Cohen (formerly Man Repeller) recommending Houseinhabit (whose content feels entertaining at first but then rapidly devolves into conspiracy land) indicates a trend in old school creators getting lost in new school propaganda. We are some of the “most online” people, after all, so that being our ultimate downfall checks out.

So, how do we stop this? Do we have to log off social media entirely?

I think logging off is unrealistic, for a few reasons. First, many of us need to be on social media for work. I’m not just talking about content creators. I’m talking about journalists, politicians, small business owners, marketing professionals, artists, musicians, authors, actors, bakers, chefs, etc. etc. Pretty much every business, career, and craft uses social media to gain both traction and inspiration. And in many instances, being active on social is a job requirement.

Secondly, we need to be on the platforms that our kids are using. Social media has become such an integral part of how our kids form and maintain relationships with their peers, that I know very few parents (if any) who have not given in at some point. We have no hope in monitoring our children’s usage if we don’t know how the platforms work.

And thirdly, there are many things we all love about social media that we are not willing to give up. The connection, the community, the entertainment, the activism and the ability to have insight into the lives of people all over the world, to see both our differences and the ways we are all alike. At it’s best, social media has the potential to humanize us, make us laugh, teach us new things and make us feel less alone.

So how do we keep the things we like about social without letting it get the best of us?

1. Admit that social media influences your thought patterns.

People always think they aren’t influenced by advertising, but as someone who worked for over 20 years in the industry, I can tell you that almost everyone can be influenced. And now that social media can target us each so specifically, we’re talking about way more than shampoo and cereal choices. For instance, every “put a finger down” Tiktok leading me to an ADHD self-diagnosis is eventually followed up with a Tiktok ad for ADHD medication. I also once had a stream of negative NYC videos followed by an ad for an app that would match your family with the best suburb. That woman I talked about in the intro who was served up widow content after her husband was diagnosed with cancer? That was followed up by ads encouraging her to start estate planning. As another example, Leah told me that she gets a lot of climate crisis content followed by ads for sustainability products. What’s that great quote about why we can use these social platforms for free? “If you are not paying for the product, YOU ARE THE PRODUCT.” Don’t ever forget that.

In addition to well-placed ads influencing your buying habits, there’s the much scarier issue of well-disguised political propaganda. We have this idea that the only people who fall for this stuff are Boomers on Facebook, but that was all the way back in 2016. The platforms are much more advanced now. Someone pointed me to a podcast episode of Offline that was released a few days after I wrote my post, which delved further into the very real possibility that Tiktok is a threat to America. Jon Favreau (that’s Obama’s old speech writer, not Spiderman’s friend) and Scott Galloway talk about how Tiktok is an incredibly powerful propaganda machine, and how the most susceptible people are always the ones who think it can’t happen to them. Keep in mind, political propaganda on social media is not as obvious as an ad coming from FOX News or the GOP. It’s China shaping a negative narrative on America just by giving that kind of content preference in the algorithm, using videos all created by regular people who don’t seem to have any skin in the game. It’s Johnny Depp’s PR team co-opting the “Me Too” backlash to prove Amber Heard is a liar, and then right wing organizations targeting newly anointed Depp fans.

None of this might be happening to you now, but please know that it could (or happen to someone you know), especially as artificial intelligence continues to improve. We all need to be on alert and self-monitor our online behavior carefully, so that when we start having anxiety about something or feeling our views shift, we can dissect these emotions properly. Where did these ideas originate? Did they come from you or did they come from social media? Is social media helping to ease your anxiety about this topic or making it worse?

One way to think about how to monitor our behavior on social is by thinking about old school internet activity, like googling. We’ve all known for quite some time that if you’re sick and you google your symptoms, you will unearth the worst possible scenarios. You also know that if you google anything remotely sexual, you will be served up a steady diet of NSFW images and ads from now until the end of time. Because we know that googling has consequences, we self monitor our searches. Now, with advancements in artificial intelligence and algorithms to read our behavior, we are in a world where we don’t have to google something for Facebook or Tiktok to know we might be interested. This is why something like an ADHD diagnosis is finding us, instead of the other way around.

We also have to recognize that when we are struggling with something offline— like a break-up, an illness, an addiction, a tough parenting milestone, etc; our social platforms are smart enough to figure this out through our online behavior and exploit it. When I went through my big friendship break-up a few years ago, Tiktok immediately served me up a “friendship expert” even though I don’t remember ever mentioning it online. I actually found this creator’s content really helpful, but it’s worth noting, that when we are vulnerable, we are more susceptible to outside influences and this easily could have gone in a different direction.

2. Consider each platform and how it makes you feel.

Maybe some platforms feel more necessary or bring you more joy than others. Maybe a platform that you once loved now makes you feel differently. Do you need to be on all of them? Maybe it’s time to delete one and see if you miss it. I made the decision to delete Snapchat a few years ago, even though I loved using it, because my following grew too large and I started getting pervy direct messages. If deleting feels too extreme, maybe you just need to identify what you like about the platform and change the way you use it. For instance, I stopped looking at my personal facebook feed about 10 years ago, but still use it to post (I do it automatically from Instagram) and sometimes use facebook groups.

3. Think about what behavior you most enjoy on each platform.

Maybe scrolling feels relaxing and posting stresses you out. Maybe you like posting and engaging with your followers (like me) but scrolling makes you question the content you put out there. Maybe stories make you feel like you’re keeping up with your favorites but reels feel like a time suck. Try to focus on the behavior you most enjoy. I’ve realized that Tiktok is fun for me only when I watch during the day for very short intervals, 2-3 videos at most. Otherwise it starts targeting me too specifically and freaks me out. Or switches from “there are things wrong with the US” to “you need to flee the country immediately.” I absolutely under no circumstances should watch it at night, when time can stretch out endlessly. More on that later.

Instagram is trickier, because it’s my favorite and it’s trying to do everything at once. As the changes have rolled out, I had to really analyze what I was still enjoying about the platform and how I could make it work for me. I realized that watching reels on Instagram was bringing me down. I think it’s because Instagram is more about aesthetics and aspiration than Tiktok, so the music choices further elevate the imagery and feel more manipulative. For me, it’s specifically about parenthood. I was already nostalgic looking at photos of babies, and now I have to watch beautifully shot videos of perfectly dressed toddlers in impeccably designed houses set to heartfelt ballads with voiceovers about how the time goes so fast? It was bringing on feelings of inadequacy and regret.

So, I no longer click over to the explore page, I avoid the reels-only feed like the plague and I make a conscious effort to continually tell Instagram what I do and don’t want to see. Which brings me to…

4. Take a hard look at the accounts you follow.

Pay attention to what accounts you love seeing in your feed and which accounts you don’t. Then, in the spirit of Marie Kondo, favorite the accounts that bring you the most joy and unfollow anything that makes you feel otherwise. Be honest with yourself. I realized there are one or two accounts I follow, even though I don’t have positive feelings for the creator, because I like keeping tabs on them. I’m told that in blogsnark land (a place I will never ever visit), this is referred to as a “bitch eating crackers” or for short, a BEC. Meaning, the person will be doing something as benign as eating crackers and it still annoys the shit out of you. Why watch something that brings out the worst in you? Unfollow. If it’s a real life friend and you don’t want to upset them, you can mute instead of unfollow. Curate a positive space that brings out positive feelings.

This doesn’t mean you should unfollow a friend who is going through a hard time. It just means that you should follow people who you wish well and support from a good place in your heart. I’m also not saying to stop watching the news or stop consuming anything that challenges your world view. I would just recommend doing this from verified sources outside of social media. Or picking a few accounts you really trust that deliver news in a constructive way that makes you feel informed instead of panicked.

I would also consider unfollowing accounts that bring on feelings of jealousy. I follow this woman who lives in a huge modern farmhouse (designed exactly the way I would design my own house, if I had all the money in the world), and continually posts jealousy inducing house porn. At first I loved it because it matched my aesthetic, but over time, I’ve realized that it’s made me focus on everything wrong with our current home instead of appreciating what I’ve got. I thought unfollowing was me admitting a weakness, so I hung on, but you know what? Humans were never meant to be exposed to jealousy inducing images and videos at the rate we are currently getting them served up, and unfollowing is knowing what’s best for your mental health. I’ve done the same with a few fashion influencers who post outfits I could never put on my body in a million years.

I’ve also unfollowed a few influencers who are incredibly prolific with their reels because they amplify the voice inside my head that says “this shit should be easy, so why I am struggling so hard!?” I’ve realized that my job depends on being able to post consistently and if I’m following things that make me feel like my content isn’t good enough, that’s a direct hit to my income and productivity. Mute or unfollow.

It’s hard to unfollow people who you’ve been following forever, but maybe they’ve made some changes to their content and you are no longer aboard for their journey. It’s okay to mute or unfollow to improve your own social media experience. You don’t owe anyone anything! Me included.

5. Monitor your activity and engagement on each app.

This means your likes, comments, clicks and perhaps most importantly— time spent on a particular piece of content. I think time spent is more important to the algorithm then anything else. If you let a video play over and over, if you read comments, if you click on the person’s profile— that’s all engagement. You don’t have to like something for social platforms to notice your interest.

For example, I’ve noticed that there is one woman who continually comes up on my Tiktok FYP. She delivers parenting advice in a particularly confrontational manner. I don’t like it, but something about what she’s saying and how she says it always makes me watch until the end. And then usually watch again because I’m trying to understand it. Am I doing this to my kids? If not, was I parented this way? If so, is it as bad as what she’s saying? Then I usually go to the comments to see if other people disagree with her as much as I do. So, I am essentially engaging with her content because I don’t like it, but because I am spending more time on it than I do most videos, and the goal of every app is to keep you on their app for longer, I’m served up more of her content, as well as posts that are similar to her content. Then suddenly all of Tiktok is being confrontational and telling me I’m a bad mom and fucking up my children. My greatest fear. So I have to click “uninterested” whenever she pops up on my feed, even though, in reality, I’m intrigued.

It’s like when I noticed my Instagram was all baby content, at a time when I was sad that phase of my parenthood journey was over. I had to notice that I tended to click on photos of newborns on my explore page, and then think “ugh why do they keep serving me up these small babies???” It’s because you are clicking on them! Stop doing that!!!

6. Be the leader of your social media experience.

Try watching your feed with specific goals in mind. If you want to see more photos, “heart” all the still photos. If you want to see more people your own age, seek those people out and pay attention to them. If you want to see more real life friends, make sure you are engaging with that content whenever it comes up. And don’t be particular about it. I know so many people who complain about not seeing their friends’ pictures, but then a friend will post something about work or a specific hobby, and they don’t “heart” it because they don’t care about that particular facet of their friend’s life. Don’t pick and choose what you want to “heart” when it comes to friends and family. Just be supportive. HEART ALL OF IT. Same goes for still photos. I spent a few weeks where I hearted every single thing that came up as a still photo in my feed. If you want to see more content about a particular topic (like baking, travel, etc.), seek it out. Always like it. Leave comments. Follow some new accounts based on those topics. Use those subjects as hashtags in your own content. You can even follow a particular hashtag. Don’t be stingy with your hearts. You are retraining the algorithm to deliver content that you might not have been getting on your own.

7. Do some even deeper thinking about what you like and don’t like to see in your chosen topics.

For instance, I like fashion inspiration but I don’t love constantly seeing size two women wearing things that I could never wear. So I unfollowed some fashion accounts and made an effort to replace them with fashion accounts who are more my size. I also realized that interior decorators who use mainly neutrals in big beautiful modern houses make me feel like I’ll never live up to that aesthetic, whereas people who use color and maximalism in much more attainable size homes make me happy, so I unfollowed and followed accordingly. I can’t even tell you how much happier my feed is now that colorful decor aesthetics reign. I altered the travel accounts I follow too. I realized I follow several families who travel full time and they make me feel like I’m living my life wrong, whereas more anonymous travel accounts without people in the pics make me feel like these are places I can put on my list.

7. Unfollow all clickbait.

For me, things like celeb gossip and headline news always get my attention even though I never feel better for reading the caption or clicking through. When Now This News first started, it felt fresh and informative. Now I feel like their need to post constantly has muddled the quality of their content. Unfollow. I also finally unfollowed eNews for posting a quote from Ashton Kutcher about never being able to walk or talk again, that was taken wildly out of context. (FYI, he was sick about two years ago, but he’s fine now.) I saw it while I was waiting for a friend of mine at the train and then didn’t have a chance to click the article until I got home and spent a good 30 minutes feeling absolutely awful for Mila and their kids. Unfollow.

8. Play favorites.

The best thing to happen to Instagram in the last year is the ability to favorite. Your favorites will go into your favorites feed and will be more likely to appear at the top of your home feed. If you don’t know how to favorite, you click the following button and it gives you the option to “star” the account. Then on your home feed, you can click the Instagram logo and it will give you a drop down menu of “following” and “favorites.” Following will show only the people you follow in chronological order. FYI, if you’ve followed a ton of random people over the years, this feed is not going to be as great as you think it will be. The favorites feed however has HUGE potential.

When I first got the “favorites” feed, I put only my real life friends in it so I wouldn’t miss their posts. But then I realized my real life friends don’t post enough to satisfy my scrolling needs and I would quickly end up back on the home feed with all the sponsored content and random recommendations. (FYI, you can also mute recommendations by clicking on the three dots on the top right of a recommended post, clicking not interested, and then snoozing recommended posts for 30 days!) So then I got to work curating a favorites feed that used all 50 slots effectively so that I could go on Instagram and get my fill without looking at anything else. That means picking people who post consistently but not too much. Ideally, it’s one in-feed a day, which is what I try to post too.

I don’t like when my feed is all the same, so I followed a bit of a formula. First I added all my real life family and friends whose pics I legit don’t want to miss. Then I added a handful of parenting influencers who I’ve been following since my old blogging days. The ones I consider actual friends at this point. I added one fashion account of someone who is exactly my size. I added three interior decor accounts that use lots of colors. I followed Bucketlisters for my anonymous travel content and two New York accounts for local things to do. I added the NY Times for my news and two influencer accounts who I trust for fact based news information— Jessica Yellin and Sharon Says So. Plus Good News Movement for the feel good stuff. I followed two meme accounts— fuckjerry because it always makes me laugh and heyalma because all it’s memes are specifically related to Ashkenazi Jews (like myself) and the specificity makes me happy. Then I followed three comedy creators who make good reels. For celebs, I picked one. Jennifer Garner. And my new motto is, if you can be anyone on social media, be Jennifer Garner. She posts things that genuinely make me happy and when she herself appears in her videos, I find her endearing and not obnoxious. I also added Jodie Turner Smith for the Joshua Jackson content. Lastly, I followed Humans of New York for the human interest stories, Neurotic Mom for the baking videos, Gee Thanks Pod for the product recommendations, Amanda Hirsch for the celeb gossip and Steph McNeal for the influencer gossip. Oh and Bodega Cats!

9. Switch it up when necessary.

When I open Instagram, I go directly to my favorites feed, which should be all content I want to see. If I’m seeing stuff I don’t like there, or if one account is posting too often and it’s starting to annoy me (sorry, bodega cats), I switch it up. I’ve also taken a few real life friends out of favorites, because I’ve recognized that they don’t really post anymore and they’re taking up a valuable slot. My goal is for the favorites feed to satisfy all my scrolling needs and give me a hard out when I get to repeats. If I want more time on Instagram, sometimes I go to the home feed with the goal of finding someone to switch into favorites and then I have to decide who to bump out. Or I start posting a story of my own so I can engage with my followers. My happy place remains my direct messages.

10. Don’t scroll at night.

If you change one thing about your social media behavior after reading this post, let it be this. Yes, we know night scrolling is bad because your device stimulates you when you should be winding down. We also know how hard it is to sleep soundly after reading ten articles on twitter about how the world is ending. But you know what makes night scrolling even worse? The platforms know what time it is, they know you should be sleeping and they can safely assume that you’re in a vulnerable headspace. Then they will use this knowledge to their advantage just like they tailor your politics based on location. Ohhhh…here’s comes Ilana opening Tiktok at 3am. Let’s figure out what’s keeping her up and then feed that fear so that she has no chance of falling asleep EVER. Remember the goal of all social platforms? To keep you on them for as long as possible. How do you do that when someone turns to you at 3am? You figure out what is keeping them up, make whatever that is even scarier and take them down such a dark hole with it that they question if they’ll ever sleep soundly again. Then you serve them up an ad about a sleeping pill.

Ultimately, it really does all come down to screen time. In the right doses, social media can be fun and informative, but it can also be addictive, so we have to use it responsibly. Try not to lose track of time while you’re on it, take breaks, and if you can’t sleep, avoid anything with an algorithm. Watch TV or read a physical book instead.

Was this helpful? How have you changed your social media experience for the better since my last post? Do you have any favorites you would recommend?

If you are new here, follow me at @mommyshorts on Instagram. Yes, I see the irony.

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