The Big Kid Support Group (BKSG) is a discussion thread for paid subscribers and my attempt to create a safe space for moms of big kids, tweens and teens. All questions are submitted anonymously through this form. Today’s question is about something I am very familiar with, both from having two daughters and from own traumatic childhood experiences. Yep, we are talking about “mean girls.” Discussion will be after the pay wall.
We moved to a small town a few years ago and the grade size is about 30 kids. My daughter is currently in Grade 4. She had a pretty easy time becoming part of a close-knit friend group, but it’s starting to seem to me like they are the “mean girls” within the grade. I think this because of a few situations my daughter has come to me to talk about and also a few group text exchanges I’ve read. I don’t think that my daughter is participating in the mean behavior, but she does seem to follow the other girls and I think is often the one who is mistreated, even though she’s “part of the group.” All advice I’ve read about being in this situation is to encourage your child to find friends who are nice and support her, but what do you do when she really doesn’t have that many options? I just don’t think telling her to find new friends is realistic and I think she genuinely sees what’s good and fun in her current friends. But she did recently tell me that she feels like all her friends “are more powerful than her” and that she takes their feelings into consideration while they don’t take hers. My question is— how should I get my daughter to assert herself within the group? Is there a way to get her to stand up for herself and demand better treatment without leaving the group and isolating herself? Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation? How did you help your child? This is my only daughter, so I’m not sure if this is just expected 4th grade girl behavior.