BKSG: How Much Should I Be Policing My Tween Daughter's Clothing Choices?

The Big Kid Support Group (BKSG) is a discussion thread for paid subscribers and my attempt to create a safe space for moms of big kids, tweens and teens. All questions are submitted anonymously through this form. I’ve gotten many variations on today’s question over the last year and I thought it was especially relevant as we head back to school.

My 10 year-old daughter has started picking out some midriff baring shirts when we’re out shopping, and so far, I’ve told her no, but I haven’t really given her a reason why, which is making me uncertain about my position.

I don’t want to play into a clear double standard for boys and girls. And I definitely don’t want to project my own body insecurity onto her, creating shame where there wasn’t any before! But I also know there are gross people in the world and I don’t want to take away the innocence of childhood while she’s still so young. Although, I’m also not sure how I want to navigate this topic as she gets older. Is policing her clothing choices sending the message that she’s responsible for unwanted attention?

I’d love to ask this community, do you have rules around what your girls wear? Can you explain why or why not? Is there a different line between hanging out at home or on the weekends vs school? Our school doesn’t have a dress code but sometimes I wish it did, so I could blame them for being conservative instead of having to make the choice myself.

How do I navigate this in a healthy way?

This is a question that I’ve been wrestling with over the last couple of years, so I’m going to answer in regards to my own kids and then open it up for discussion!